Merry Sera

Mom insists daughters continue Santa photos
By EMILY KERN HEBERT
Advocate staff writer
Published: Dec 23, 2008

Sisters Ashley and Katie Swan started fussing about taking their picture with Santa Claus when they were around 11 or 12 years old. (which is about the time girls start to develop that 6th sense about men that introduces them to the creepiness that is The Mall Santa) But, with Ashley, 23, and working full time and Katie, 18, and a senior at St. Joseph’s Academy, the girls still haven’t gotten any relief from the family tradition. In fact, their mother, Merry Swan, is more determined than ever to have her little girls take their picture with Santa. She won’t let them have their Christmas presents until they do. (I am not sure which is worse...the Mom for extorting her children to sit on a mall Santa's lap, or the kids for doing it.)

“Now, it’s like bribery,” Merry Swan said. “This is how I feel — you have to do this until you get married,” (and of course once their potential suitors see this particular family fiasco, err, I mean tradition, the boys should be breaking down the door to marry into this fine family) she added. “This is my gift.” (And nothing says Christmas more than the look of humiliation on the faces of your adult children). The tradition started when Ashley was born. She took her picture by herself the first five years until the arrival of sister Katie. In Ashley’s picture at 20 months old, she looks on the verge of tears. ("And now 21 years later, the tears are still there, only pushed down...way down....way way down...I swear I'm gonna kill that bi....uh, someone get me my prozac now...I MEAN NOW...uh, wait, what ? Oh yes, It's a cute little tradition.") Years later, when Katie is about the same age, 26 months, she is crying on Santa’s lap while older sister Ashley looks on. (thinking to herself, "Cry all you want. You'll never get out. She won't let you. You're trapped. Forever.") In a couple of photos, Katie has braces. (And in others, she has bandages from her multiple suicide attempts. In one she even has eye patches from the year she tried to gouge her own eyes out with a candy cane. Good times.)
“I love to display them,” Merry Swan said. “You can see how they’ve grown and changed.” (As the years roll on you can see every ounce of happiness, childhood innocence, and the will to live being drained out of their faces. It's like Christmas magic!) The pictures come out every holiday season. “I’m big into memories. (But I smoked way to much weed and did way too much heroin, so rather than relying on my brain for memories, ...)I take pictures for everything,” Merry Swan said. She jokes that when she pulls out her camera, her friends tease her. They call her photos “Merry’s Memories.” (...to her face. And then she leaves the room, at which time the photos are called "That Crazy Bitch's Desperate Attempts to Cling to Her Own Misspent Youth by Demeaning her Adult Children into Feeling Like Toddlers.")
Last Christmas, the girls went to the Mall at Cortana to have their picture taken.
They were able to grab a pager and be buzzed when it was their turn rather than wait in line. When they approached Santa, however, they were turned away by employees because (it's insane to make your adult kids sit in Santa's lap, plus and it might violate the terms of Santa's probation) of their age — the cutoff age was 10.
“We said, ‘Do you really think we want to take it,’” Katie said. (HUH? If you don't want to do it, then simply don't do it. Oh wait, I forgot. You are a greedy dullard pimping yourself out to your mother so you can get presents). Luckily, Merry stepped in and the girls were allowed to take the picture. ("It places the girls on Santa's lap or it get the hose again!") So, will one of the girls have to continue the tradition alone when the other gets married (or kills herself)?
“Yes,” Ashley said. “I had to do it by myself the first five years.” “You were 5, you loved it,” Katie replied. Their mom reminds them that Ashley’s status as the older sister doesn’t guarantee that she’ll be married first. ("Now, now girls. No fussing, or Santa will put you on the naughty list. Now come along. Cinderella should be just about done washing our laundry and I want to get home in time to have her finish shaving my feet.") They all laugh. (And it's that certain uncomfortable laugh that they all share, knowing that each of them will live a long, lonely, unmarried life, their only true companion being a prescription pad.) “It’s not too bad,” Katie said. “It’s just embarrassing.” Especially when friends want to know when they are taking the picture so they can watch, she added. (Because nothing says true friendship more than laughing at someone as they pimp themselves for for a Hickory Farms cheese basket.) Added Ashley: “We complain about it, but if it’s what makes her happy (and what gets us our presents) and it’s the only thing she really wants (except, of course, a life, mental stability, and an non-manual "O" face every once in a while) , it’s not too much to ask.” Katie thinks maybe she’ll appreciate the photo collection more when she’s older. (and still single, sitting in her 1 bedroom apartment, with her 8 cats, belting down her 5th scotch as Drew Carey fires up the first Showcase Showdown.) “It’s just really embarrassing when standing in line with a bunch of 5-year-olds,” she said. ('So to play it off, we just pretend we have invisible kids with us, and the 5 year olds never know the difference. Ha! That'll teach them to laugh at me! Little f*ckers.")

Boozer Sera

I know it's been a while since I last blogged. Thanks for your patience. Here is the latest entry:

DWI suspect run over by own truck
Police: 'Significantly drunk' driver falls out of vehicle; pickup then rolls over man's legs
Jason Auslander The New Mexican


A 21-year-old allegedly drunken driver was run over by his own car Sunday afternoon after leading police on a chase and neglecting to put his truck in park after finally coming to a halt, police said Tuesday. Roy Aguilar — who narrowly missed crashing into two other oncoming motorists during the nearly 10-minute chase near Cochiti Lake — sustained only minor injuries [Why is it that no matter what happens, the drunks always sustain only minor injuries??] after he fell out of his Ford pickup and it rolled over his legs. "You could see how easily this guy could have killed somebody," said Department of Public Safety Secretary John Denko, who viewed a videotape of the pursuit Tuesday with reporters. [Yep. That's right. There is video. See it at www.santafenewmexican.com/video/ ] Aguilar first came to the attention of police when he was allegedly involved in a hit-and-run accident in the parking lot of Applebee's Neighborhood Grill and Bar [That gives their catch phrase "Feelin' Good in the Neighborhood" a whole new meaning, doesn't it?] on Cerrillos Road in Santa Fe, said Peter Olson, DPS spokesman. Not long after, drivers on Interstate 25 began calling the state police's Drunk Busters hot line [When they start to swerve, and it don't look good, who ya gonna call? Drunk Busters! ] and reporting Aguilar's erratic driving, he said.

State Police Officer Grace Romero found Aguilar parked by the side of N.M. 16 at the Cochiti exit from I-25, according to a videotape. Romero tried to contact Aguilar, but he started driving down N.M. 16, a two-lane road with dirt shoulders, toward Cochiti Lake, when he saw her. [It's always a good idea to compound your hit and run with drunk driving and then top it off with fleeing and eluding. ] Aguilar swerved all over the road — including driving completely in the oncoming lane at times — as Romero pursued him, the video shows.

Romero, who also attended Monday's news conference, said she was trying to alert oncoming traffic to Aguilar's erratic behavior by using the lights on her patrol car. [Because they would see that better than the crazy nut-job swerving all over the place? ] After pursuing Aguilar for a couple of minutes, he abruptly sped up to more than 70 mph , when his truck veered off the road to the right dirt shoulder, then swerved across the road to the left. [Woo-hoo! Look at me! I am writing my name in tire tracks! Woo hoo!] A sport-utility vehicle coming toward him at the time — which contained a couple on their way back from church [Could it be more stereotypical?? Kinda reminds you of Homer Simpson and Ned Flanders.] in Peña Blanca — drove off the road to its left, and Aguilar swerved just in front of it, narrowly missing crashing into it. Aguilar then drove way off the road to the left, before swerving back across the road to the right side — this time cutting behind another sport-utility vehicle and just barely missing it. [Wait! I gotta dot the "i". Woo Hoo!] Aguilar then drove across the ditch to the right of the road, through a barbed-wire fence, and continued across the dirt and scrub in a cloud of dust. He drove on the dirt for another minute or so before coming to a stop. [Think about that...60+ seconds is a long time to drive before you realize you are no longer on the highway (as if crashing through the barbed wire was not the first clue).] But instead of putting the truck in "park," Aguilar instead put the gearshift in "reverse," [Stupid shifter!] then opened the door, put one foot down and crumpled to the ground. [Some laws can be broken, but gravity ain't one of 'em.] As he lay on the dirt, the truck rolled over his left leg and both his ankles [If it rolled over both ankles, isn't that the same thing as rolling over both legs?].

Romero quickly exited her car, checked briefly on Aguilar, then went after the truck, which she said had begun moving relatively quickly in reverse. [Thank goodness she took that truck ropin' class at the academy.] When she entered the truck cab to stop it, she found the seat soaked with urine, she said. [Mmmmm. Urine. So warm and squishy. I bet her uniform was comfy then. And just imagine the smell - alcohol+urine+sweaty man+New Mexico heat...well that's just a recipe that will tickle even the most discriminating nose!] She also found a 1.75 liter bottle of vodka that was three-quarters gone, she said. [So let's do the math, shall we class - There are roughly 17 shots in a standard 750 ml bottle. (Yes I looked it up on line.) So that would equate to roughly 40 shots in a 1.75 L bottle. If he drank 3/4 of that, it would be roughly 30 shots of liquor. WOW. ] When she went back to Aguilar, he was conscious [That in and of itself is a miracle.] and "a little combative," Romero said. He had a chunk of cactus in his head [This must be where he hit his head on the cactus trying to catch that stupid roadrunner. Beep Beep.] and was trying without much luck to get up off the ground, she said. [He should have ordered the Acme anti-gravity boots.] Aguilar was able to tell the officer his first name was Roy, though he couldn't tell her his last name,[that's Roy E. Coyote, Super Genius] Romero said. His speech was slurred and his eyes were glassy and red, she said. Six hours later, Aguilar told the officer he thought he had gotten off the interstate at the Santo Domingo exit, Romero said. [And everyone knows the Santo Domingo exit has barbed wire at the entrance and turns into a dirt field. C'mon! What is this, a witch hunt!]

He likely sustained only minor injuries to his legs because the dirt in the area where he was run over was very soft, she said. Police later drew blood from Aguilar, and though they didn't release his blood alcohol content Monday, Denko said he was "significantly drunk." [Fantastic police work, guys!] Denko and State Police Chief Faron Segotta cited the Drunk Buster hot line — #394 (DWI) [I wonder how many accidents are caused each year by people looking at their phones while driving and trying to figure out which numbers are D-W-I on the keypad.]on a cell phone — as proof that New Mexicans are fighting the state's DWI epidemic. [But apparently wholly unconcerned with the State's talking on a phone while driving epidemic] "We have a lot of people who have consumed this much alcohol on our streets," Denko said [That must be a direct quote from the Chamber of Commerce's promo materials. Come to New Mexico and drink your face off. The rest of are.] . Alcohol-related fatalities have fallen 25 percent this year over last, both men said, which is proof that law-enforcement and community efforts to combat the problem are working. Aguilar was charged with aggravated driving while intoxicated, aggravated fleeing from police, careless driving and not wearing a seat belt [as well as public urination, olfactory assault on an officer, malicious destruction of property (for the officer's soiled uniform). And by the way, what happened with the original hit and run at Applebee's?]. He was also cited for driving on a suspended or revoked license. In addition, he was arrested on a bench warrant from San Juan County Magistrate Court that charged failure to appear on an original count of consuming or possessing an open container of alcohol [GASP! Say it ain't so! Not another alcohol violation. Sad part is that he'll get his jail time suspended, go on probation, have to attend AA meetings and alcohol classes, and maybe even a safe driver course, and when he leaves court that day, it's straight back to Applebee's for a little happy hour celebration!], according to online court records.

Beauty Sera

Beauty queen ending reign on a sour note
2009 Miss Louisiana Teen USA to take crown Nov. 1
By Loresha Wilson • ljwilson@gannett.com • October 21, 2008 2:00 am

The reigning Miss Teen Louisiana [Seen here in the bottom photo] was preparing to hand over her crown to her successor in two weeks. Now, she's ending her reign on a sour note after being arrested over the weekend. [Scandalous. Why, no pageant winner has ever been so disgraced!]

Lindsey Evans, 18, has completed her year reign, and the 2009 Miss Louisiana Teen USA is set to take the crown Nov. 1. The pageant will be held in Lafayette on Oct. 31 and Nov. 1. [Where the reigning Miss Louisiana will be dressed up like a responsible adult for her Halloween costume. No one will ever recognize her in that costume.] RPM Production Inc., based in South Carolina, hosts the Miss Louisiana USA and the teen pageant, and officials were collecting information Monday about Evan's arrest and deciding whether she will keep the crown for the duration. [That WOULD be a harsh punishment to take her crown for, uh, 10 days. How ever will she survive that?] A spokeswoman for the company would only say, ["I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children."]"We do have to go through proper channels and make all the right decisions, but the title will be transferred Nov. 1 anyway."
Evans, of Blanchard, was arrested Saturday on charges that she and three others dined at a Bossier City restaurant and skipped out on the check, said Mark Natale, city spokesman. The teen also is charged with possession of marijuana. [Wait. Aren't you supposed to eat AFTER you smoke the weed?]
Attempts by The Times to reach Evans and her parents Monday were not successful. No one answered calls to their residence. [Ironic isn't it? The parents enter their kid in a pageant in order to get publicity, and when the publicity comes, it's not quite what they signed up for. Irony is funny.] The four women ordered food and ate at Posados on Old Minden Road, and they left the business at about 7 p.m. without paying their bill, Natale said. [Who can afford to pay for food when you have to buy weed too? I am sure her allowance just couldn't cover both.]
"Evans left her purse behind," Natale said. "The manager secured the purse and inside we found her driver's license and a small plastic bag of a green leafy substance believed to be marijuana." [Inside the bag of weed was a note saying "If found, please return to Lindsey Evans, Miss Teen Louisiana."] The women [I am sure that word is used loosely in this case.] returned to the restaurant a short time later to get the purse [Flash back 10 minutes in time and picture the look on her face when she realized the weed was at the restaurant. Here is how I imagine it went down...Lindsey: Ha ha ha. $5.00 for a quesadilla my @ss. Take that, crappy Mexican restaurant. ... Jordan: Yeah, you go girl. That was funny... Jennifer: Hey, I am feeling kinda naughty. Let's not wait to get back to Morgan's house to smoke the weed. Let's do it now. ... Morgan: That's a super idea Jennifer. Lindsey, where is that bag of weed you bought from the grubby homeless guy? ... Lindsey: It's right here in my pur...uh oh.] , and an officer recognized Evans from her driver's license as their vehicle entered the Posados parking lot. She was the front-seat passenger, Natale said. [Our story continues... Morgan: Oh crap, is this going to take like a million years? That crappy Mexican food is giving me some gastro-intestinal issues. ... Lindsey: Shut up bitch. I want my purse. It's a f*cking Prada, ok. ... Jennifer: Just run in real quick. I'll park next to this police car, so no one will see us. Everyone scooch down low in your seats ... Jordan: That's a totally awesome idea, Jen. You are so smart.... Lindsey: Ok. Like wait here and stuff and I'll run in real quick. ... Officer: Hey check out that little hotty right there. I bet she is a little minx. Wait, don't I know her from somewhere? ... Lindsey: Excuse me. Has anyone seen a Prada bag with no cash and a bag of weed inside it? ... Officer: Wait, aren't you Lindsey Evans, Miss Teen Louisiana? You are under arrest. Oh, and can I get your autograph. I think you are so hot. ... Lindsey: Like, no way creepy old guy in a uniform. Get away. ... Officer: Oh. Well here is your purse and your weed. Can I look in your car too? ... Lindsey: Like sure. There's nothing in there.] Police searched the vehicle and found marijuana and drug paraphernalia inside.
Miss Teen Louisiana USA was booked into the Bossier City Jail on one count each of possession of marijuana and theft, Natale said. She posted a $1,000 bond early Sunday. [Police are in the process of checking her prior record by cross referencing her mug shot with Girls Gone Wild videos.] Others arrested Saturday were Jordan James, 18; Jennifer Martin, 22; and Morgan Coleman, 18. [These other girls were released on their own recognizance after they flashed their boobs for some Mardi Gras beads and a key to the cell.]
Evans is a 2008 graduate of Northwood High School and attends Northwestern State University, majoring in broadcast journalism. [Her final project is going to be to interview someone who is locally well known, who commits a stupid crime, loses her reputation, and is publicly ridiculed. Too bad she doesn't know anyone like that.] She was 1st runner-up for Miss Louisiana Teen USA 2007. Evans is set to appear Jan. 14 in Bossier District Court. [Flash forward 1 year, Evans will be pregnant, out of school, and dancing at a truck stop nudie club off of I-49 in Natchitoches.]

Schweddy Sera

[Ed. Note: Even though this is not a story from America, it is way too funny not to include.]

'Battered' testicles on the menu in nutty e-cookbook
Wed Oct 1, 11:19 AM ET
LONDON (AFP) - Squeamish men look away now: a Serbian chef is bringing out Thursday a no-holds-barred guide to cuisine with a twist: "The Testicle Cookbook: Cooking With Balls." [Are there so few food products now that people are actually eating balls???]
Hailed as the world's first testicle recipe collection by e-book publishers YUDU, the cookbook includes author Ljubomir Erovic's favourite dishes, like testicle pizza, battered testicles and and barbecued testicles and giblets. [And don't forget that favorite holiday treat - Schweddy Balls!]
The e-book, available for download from the Internet, comes with handy video guides showing the Serb peeling the skin off testicles and slicing them up into bite-size chunks.
Several different animals, including stallions, ostriches, bulls, pigs and turkeys [and big ole corn-fed midwestern bo-hunks], get the Erovic treatment.
"Wash testicles thoroughly for 30-45 minutes, [C'mon now. That's not a recipe. That's just good hygiene.]" begins the recipe for testicles pie.
"Once softened, mince them in a mincer." [Or simply give them to your ex-wife. She will be happy to mince your balls for you.]
A "very sharp knife" is needed for traditional style testicles, which get boiled, cut up and deep fried in hot oil. [This process is otherwise known as divorce.]
Erovic, 45, may be self-taught in the art of testicle cuisine but his 20 years of "cooking with balls" make him a world authority in the field. [How proud his father must be.] "The tastiest testicles [aside from my own] in my opinion probably come from bulls, stallions or ostriches, although other people have their own favourites," he said.
"All testicles can be eaten -- except human, of course." [Well now Clarice, that is not exactly true now it is? Y'know, a census taker once tried to test me. I ate his testicles with some fava beans and a nice chianti. FFFT FFFFT FFFT FFFT.] Testicles are rich in testosterone [And some other unsavory substances] and they are believed to be a powerful aphrodisiac in countries such as Serbia and China. "The best for aphrodisiac properties are sheep and stallion testicles", said Erovic. [Old Man: "Yak loin. Good to keep the Yang up." ... Chandler Jarrell: "Hey man, nothin' wrong with my yang." ] And with the credit crunch kicking in, more people may give up their rump steaks and turn to testicles instead. [The economy really IS breaking people's balls.]
Erovic also organises the World Testicle Cooking Championship, held annually in Serbia since 2004. It draws in chefs from Australia, Bosnia-Hercegovina, Finland, Greece, Hungary, Norway and Serbia. [Margaret Jo McCullen: Hello. I'm Margaret Jo McCullen.
Teri Rialto: And I'm Teri Rialto.
Margaret Jo McCullen: And you're listening to..
Together: The Delicious Dish, on National Public Radio ...
Margeret Jo McCullen: Now, Teri, it's World Testicle Cooking Championship season again, our favorite time of the year.
Teri Rialto: And we have a very special guest today.
Margeret Jo McCullen: That's right, Teri. He's the owner of his own bakery, with a very, very cleaver name - Season's Eatings.
Teri Rialto: [ laughs ] That's really funny!
Margeret Jo McCullen: I know, it rhymes with Season's Greetings!
Teri Rialto: Please welcome the owner of Season's Eatings - Pete Schweddy.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Well Pete, Teri and I have been looking forward to having you on the show, 'cause we know you're the master of all kinds of Tournament goodies. Tell us about them.
Pete Schweddy: Well, there are lots of great treats this time of year - Zucchini Bread, Fruitcake.. but the thing that I most like to bring out this time of year are my Balls.
Teri Rialto: Mmm.. Balls.. Tell us about your Balls, Pete.
Pete Schweddy: Well, over at Season's Eatings, we have Balls for every taste. Stallion Balls, Bull Balls, Ostrich Balls.. you name it.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Wow! My mouth's watering just thinking about those Balls!
Teri Rialto: It's been years since I've seen any Balls.
Pete Schweddy: Would you like to see my Balls now?
Margeret Jo McCullen: Yeah. Whip them out.
Teri Rialto: Mmm.. wow.. you have some beautiful Balls.
Margeret Jo McCullen: They're bigger than I expected.
Pete Schweddy: A lot of people tell me that.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Look at that, Teri - the way they glisten.
Pete Schweddy: That's because make sure that each one of my Balls gets plenty of oil.
Margeret Jo McCullen: I can't help but, notice, Pete - your Balls are a little misshapen.
Pete Schweddy: That's because I rested them on a hot stove too long.
Teri Rialto: Can I touch your Balls.
Pete Schweddy: Go ahead. But be careful, they're very delicate.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Wow. I can't wait to get my mouth around his Balls.
Teri Rialto: [ sniffing ] Ooh.. I like the way your Balls smell.
Pete Schweddy: Do whatever you want to, ladies. My Balls are here for your pleasure.
Margeret Jo McCullen: [ chewing ] Wow, Pete.. I have to say - your Balls are so tender.
Pete Schweddy: Well, there's no beating my Balls. They're made from a secret Schweddy Family recipe. No one can resist my Schweddy Balls.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Wow.. Schweddy Balls. Nothing like a Schweddy Ball.
Teri Rialto: Good Balls.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Mmm.. good times.
Teri Rialto: Good times.]
One metric ton of testicles are prepared. "When not cooking or eating testicles, or helping others to do so, (Erovic) now runs a company involved in the maintenance of medical and dental equipment," the book said.

Booby Sera

Mama's milk ice cream cone, anyone?

By JOHN CURRAN Associated Press Writer
WATERBURY, Vt. (AP) -- Mooove over, Holsteins. PETA [These folks are now officially off the reservation.] wants world-famous Ben & Jerry's Homemade Ice Cream to tap nursing moms, rather than cows, for the milk used in its ice cream. [Breast milk ice cream? - talk about your Chubby Hubby!]
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is asking the ice cream maker to begin using breast milk in its products instead of cow's milk, saying it would reduce the suffering of cows and calves [at the expense of the suffering of nursing mothers?? ] and give ice cream lovers a healthier product. [Assuming of course that the mom did not ingest any alcohol, caffeine, sedatives, anti-depressants, and had a healthy diet, and that she was disease-free, and that she had no self -esteem, no sense of self worth, and was not in her right mind.] The idea got a cool reception Thursday from Ben & Jerry's officials, the company's customers and even La Leche League International, [naturally, because it is, uh, kinda creepy] the world's oldest breast-feeding support organization, which promotes the practice - for babies, anyway.
PETA wrote a letter to company founders Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield on Tuesday, telling them cow's milk is hazardous and that milking them is cruel. [So to save the cows' feelings, you should instead gather up a bunch of nursing Moms, herd them together like cattle, regulate their diets, and attach them to milking machines, all the while depriving their infants of the milk that would otherwise be fed to them. That's a great plan. The cows will feel better and the women involved will in no way feel belittled, dehumanized, depersonalized, insulted, objectified, humiliated, embarrassed or mistreated.] "If Ben and Jerry's replaced the cow's milk in its ice cream with breast milk, your customers - and cows - would reap the benefits, [plus you could corner the market on creepy fetish fat guys] " wrote Tracy Reiman, executive vice president of the animal rights advocacy group. She said dairy products have been linked to juvenile diabetes, allergies and obesity.
Ashley Byrne, a campaign coordinator for PETA, acknowledged the implausibility of substituting breast milk for cow's milk, but said it's no stranger than humans consuming the milk of another species. [BS Translation: Yeah, we know this is a stupid idea, but we're PETA, so stupid ideas are our forte.] "We're aware this idea is somewhat absurd[Somewhat? I don't think that covers it.], and that putting it into practice is a stretch. [You think?] At the time same, it's pretty absurd for us to be drinking the milk of cows [Yeah, that is pretty absurd. It has only been done for centuries, and the cows really seem to bothered by it. Why, just the other day one of the Chick-Fil-A cows said that she was tired of being objectified]," she said. It takes about 12 pounds - or 1 1/2 gallons of milk - to make a gallon of ice cream. Ben & Jerry's, which gets its milk exclusively from Vermont cows, won't say how much milk it uses or how much ice cream it sells.
As a standardized product under federal regulations, ice cream must be made with milk from healthy cows. Ice cream made from goat's milk, for example, would have to be labeled as such.
Presumably, so would mother's milk ice cream.
To Ben & Jerry's, the idea is udderly ridiculous. [Really? Did that just say "udderly"? Reporters should leave the comedy to the comedians.]
"We applaud PETA's novel approach to bringing attention to an issue, but we believe a mother's milk is best used for her child," [BS Translation: These folks are completely crazy but I am not allowed to say that publicly, so I am saying this instead.] spokesman Sean Greenwood said in an e-mail. He didn't respond to requests for an interview. [Who wants to interview him about this? Is this really news? The economy is collapsing, the election is coming closer, the war in Iraq is a constant issue, prices are going up, incomes are going down, houses are being foreclosed upon in record numbers, and this reporter wants to interview Ben and Jerry about the feasibility of Boob Flavored ice cream?]
Leon Berthiaume, general manager of the St. Albans Cooperative Creamery, which provides milk products to Ben & Jerry's, called the dairy products "among the safest in the world."
"Milk from cows has long-term health benefits and has been proven to be safe and healthy and an important part of the American diet for generations," he said. "I'm not ready to make that change." [Plus it's a stupid idea - there's that too.]
Cow's milk and mother's milk aren't interchangeable, according to La Leche spokeswoman Jane Crouse, who says breast milk is a dynamic substance that's different with each woman and each child and might have difficulty being processed into ice cream. [Of course they are not interchangeable. If they were, it would have been done by now.]
Then there's the question of who would provide the milk, and whether they'd be paid. [Is there really that question? How does the inquiry even get that far? Here is how far the inquiry should get...PETA: "Hey, you should make ice cream out of breast milk." ... Ben and Jerry: "BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh wait, you're serious? BWAHAHAHAHAHA."]
"Some women feel compelled to donate milk to a milk bank for adopted babies, or for someone who's ill or unable to breast feed. There's plenty of anecdotal evidence about sisters who nurse each others' babies. There's a population of women very willing to share their milk. Whether there's enough to do it for a commercial entity, who can say?" she said. [No one can say! No one should say!]
At the Ben & Jerry's factory in Waterbury, consumers gave a collective "Ewww" to the idea Thursday.
"It's kind of creepy," said Jeff Waugh, 42, of Dayton, Ohio. [Thank you Mr. Waugh! That's what I said.]
"I think it's a little nutty," said the Rev. Roger Wooton, 83, of Malden, Mass., finishing up a cup of Heath Bar Crunch. [Yes Reverend, it is more than a little nutty.]
"How would they get all that milk?" said his wife, Jane Wooton, 77. [Why are you even thinking about those logistics, Ms. Wooten? You should go back to knitting quilts and baking dessert squares for the Sunday fundraiser.]
Jen Wahlbrink, 34, of Phoenix, who breast-fed her 11-month-old son, Cameron, said she wouldn't touch ice cream made from mother's milk. She remembers her nursing days - and not that fondly.
"The (breast) pumps just weren't that much fun. You really do feel like a cow," she said, cradling her son in her hands. [and feeling like a cow should be reserved for cows. That is why they are cows. If cows were meant to be treated like people, they would be people.]

Fart-a Sera

Charge dropped against man accused of passing gas

CHARLESTON, W.Va. (AP) -- A West Virginia man accused of passing gas and fanning it toward a police officer [What? No dutch oven? No cupping and throwing?] no longer faces a battery charge. [Battery? That is some heavy gas!] The Kanawha County prosecutor's office requested that the charge be dropped against 34-year-old Jose Cruz. [because no one wants to prosecute a case where a fart was the weapon...could you imagine trying to admit that evidence at trial?..."Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, in this jar holds the gas the defendant used to batter the officer. I will open it for you all to smell. Please use extreme caution, as the defendant ate two chili cheese burritos, a 7-11 big bite, and 3 pickled eggs, and drank 8 Budweisers before this gas was expelled.]
According to a criminal complaint, Cruz passed gas and made a fanning motion toward patrolman T.E. Parsons after being taken to the police station for a breathalyzer test. Cruz denies fanning the gas [this SBD crept over there on its own] and says his request to use a restroom when first arriving at the station was denied. [Just goes to show you why you should go to the bathroom BEFORE you leave the house, kids.]
An assistant says Magistrate Jack Pauley signed a motion to dismiss the charge Thursday.
Cruz, who was arrested Tuesday, still faces driving under the influence and other charges. [such as negligent digestion, involuntary nose-slaughter, malicious destruction of nasal hairs, littering, and a violation of the noise ordinance.]

Fat Assera

These New Seats in Dallas Is Texas-Sized
Wednesday, September 17, 2008

The Dallas Cowboys are America's team for so many reasons: their consistent excellence as a franchise, their brash, bold style, and most importantly, because they insist on calling themselves "America's team." [And who are we to argue with them, right? Don't mess with Texas!] Being the polite people that we are, Americans are generally too nice to argue with the men, especially when they're waving guns and a-whoopin' and a-hollerin' as cowboys are wont to do. (Americans: smart, as well.)
The Cowboys are also America's team, because they made the seats in their new stadium for fat people. [Walk through any public place in this country and you'll see the truth in that statement!]

All the seats at the new stadium are between 19 and 20½ inches wide[They make everything big in Texas!] compared to the 17- and 18-inch wide seats at Texas Stadium. Mock them if you like [And I do like], but the plain facts are inescapable and weighty: your butt is substantially bigger than the hindparts of your forebears [which might have something to do with the pathetically lazy Big Mac culture we have become], and if you want demonstrable proof, try going to Wrigley Field or to Notre Dame and squeezing yourself into a seat . It's an exercise in embarrassment [and God knows Americans don't exercise much, so they probably don't care] even for the svelte among us, since as a whole Americans at this moment are fatter than we've ever been. [C'mon now. America is only 232 years old. That's young compared to other countries. Maybe it's just baby fat and we'll grow out of it. ] You might as well make your stadium to fit rather than attempting to enforce virtue through architecture. [Heaven forbid we actually shun obesity and laziness.] Now, if we could just bring back the wearing of pants pulled up to your sternum [that is, outside of the engineering department at your local college], we could dispense with this whole notion of "not being horrifically obese" altogether, and head down to our spacious NFL stadiums wearing zoot suits and driving golf carts in lieu of pesky, tiring walking. [They are already doing that at Disney World. It is downright shocking the number of morbidly obese sloths tooling around the Magic Kingdom in electric powered Pork-Mobiles with a 64 oz. Diet Coke in one hand, 3 scoops of ice cream in the other, and 4 pounds of fudge stowed in the carry basket in the front.]

Original story and photo taken from the Sporting News:

http://www.sportingnews.com/blog/the_sporting_blog/entry/view/12150/these_new_seats_in_dallas_is_texas-sized

Anger Sera

Woman Runs Herself Over In Dispute With Deputies
POSTED: 12:57 pm EDT September 15, 2008

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. -- A 63-year-old woman returned home from an area hospital on Monday, a day after she allegedly tried to run over a sheriff's deputy but ended up running over herself. [Just picture that in your head. That's funny.]
Mary Davis said she was trying to stop deputies from arresting her son when she lost control of the minivan. [Well duh. Everyone knows that the best way to keep your son from being arrested is to try to run over those who are trying to arrest him. ]
"It was just a freak accident," Davis said. [A freak accident? Yeah, if by that you mean an accident involving freakishly stupid people.]
Baker County deputies arrived at Davis' home on Sunday afternoon because of a domestic dispute involving her son and the mother of his children. [Note - not his wife, not his ex-wife, not his fiancee, not even his girlfriend...just the mother of his children - and they say America has lost its family values]
"I said, 'It's wrong that you're taking my son [so I gonna run your @ss over],'" Davis said.
She said that's when she told deputies if they were going to arrest her son, they would have to take her as well. [Also a great strategy for reasoning with the authorities...what did she think would happen?..."If you arrest my son, you have to arrest me too. ... Oh, no. We don't want to arrest you ma'am. What ever shall we do? ... We y'all better git on outta here then. ... Ok, ma'am. Since we don't want to arrest you, I guess we'll have to let your son go. Sorry to have disturbed you."]
"I was angry [Hmmm... Mom is angry about the son being arrested for domestic violence (no doubt anger related) ... The apple does not fall very far from the tree does it?] and I was just trying to get them to not take Clay because he hadn't done anything," Davis said.
According to an incident report, Davis ran inside her house, grabbed her keys and jumped into her minivan. One of the deputies was trying to get her out of the vehicle when Davis put the van in reverse and put her foot on the gas. [I wonder if she blew her Dukes of Hazzard horn first.]
The report states, the corporal had to jump out of the way to avoid being hit by van's door, which was still open. The woman fell out of the van when it slammed into a lawnmower.
The van ran her over, and then rammed into a Baker County Sheriff's Office vehicle.
"I can't explain it. It just happened too fast. [BS Translation: I am a big, giant moron and I did something so incredibly stupid that the English language does not have words that will explain this in such a manner that I may avoid embarrassment.] When you get angry, upset, that's just how fast things can happen before you even know it," Davis said. [BS Translation: I am a big, giant moron and my mind processes information at such a slow rate that even paint drying seems to happen at a break-neck pace.] Davis did not break any bones during the incident. Charges are still pending in the case.

Terror Sera

Oakland man gets 2 1/2 years for crank phone threats

(09-15) 16:50 PDT SAN FRANCISCO --
An Oakland man was sentenced today to 2 1/2 years in federal prison for threatening to blow up San Francisco City Hall and the Westfield Shopping Mall.

Devon Craft, 22, pleaded guilty in May to threatening to destroy property by explosives. He admitted that on July 13, 2006, he used a cell phone to place four 911 calls threatening "terrorist attacks" in San Francisco. [Really? In this day and age someone is dumb enough to do this?]
Craft admitted that he tried to disguise his voice by using a "Middle Eastern accent" [Because there is no way someone could see through his brilliantly executed fake accent] in his calls, during which he also threatened to blow up the "San Francisco Tribune" [There is no such paper as the San Francisco Tribune. What a genius!] and said innocent people would die, prosecutors said.
Craft also admitted to making threatening phone calls in June 2006 regarding attacks at the San Mateo and Dumbarton bridges "so that he could get time off work to visit his son at the hospital," prosecutors said. [Boss, can I have off? My son is in the hospital. ... No I am sorry. You can't. ... NO? That makes me very angry. And when I get angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset. And when Mr. Bigglesworth get upset, PEOPLE DIE!] Court records did not indicate how Craft believed the threats would provide him with time off. [Because no person with two brain cells in the same zip code could possibly following the logic of this plan.]
At a hearing today in San Francisco [It's a wonder that this genius did not pull the court's fire alarm to try to get out of his hearing], U.S. District Judge Marilyn Hall Patel ordered Craft to serve 30 months in federal [pound you in the @ss] prison. [where he can learn to be a proper criminal] The sentence will be on top of state-prison terms he is now serving for unrelated theft and robbery [He has a record? Shocking. ]in cases from Alameda County.
Authorities said Craft was sentenced to more than two years in state prison for store parking lot robberies in November 2006 in Alameda County. Craft grabbed women's backpacks, purses and handbags in the robberies, authorities said. [Wait a second here. This guy got 2 years for purse snatching, but only got 2 1/2 years for threatening to commit terrorist acts against 6 different targets on two separate days? Anyone else see the disparity there?]

Pepe Le Sera

Woman mistakes skunk for a cat, gets sprayed

Mon Sep 15, 9:05 PM ET
MOUNT CARMEL, Pa. - A Pennsylvania woman who thought she was petting a neighbor's cat [Smelly cat, smelly cat. What are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat. It's not your fault.]got a smelly surprise when it turned out to be a skunk. [Yoo-the-hoo mi amour. I am seeking and you are finding, my precious dove! ] Not only did the skunk spray the woman before dawn [It's always smelliest before the dawn.] Monday, but it ran into her Mount Carmel home. [followed by a gray rabbit, a black duck, a lisping cat, a little yellow bird, a coyote, a roadrunner, a very fast mouse, a tazmanian devil, a little bald guy with a speech impediment, a cowboy with a big red moustache, a giant red hairy monster, a singing frog and finally a stuttering pig.]
Police spent hours at the home before leaving the scene [wearing hazmat suits and gas masks], but there was no immediate word if they were able to remove the animal. [When police were asked to comment, their reply was simply "Th-Th-Th-That's all folks!"

Greasy Sera

Lewd vandal leaves greasy imprints on Neb. town

VALENTINE, Neb. - Boy, how people here wish their busiest vandal would find another way to make his mark. Some man has been skipping from one business to another in the dark of night, pressing his naked behind — sometimes his groin, sometimes both [Both? At the same time? I don't care who you are...that's impressive.]— on windows.
It's easy to tell. [Wait for it....]
Store owners, church workers and school janitors have had to wash lotion and petroleum jelly off the windows he selects. [...And there it is. And all together now... EWWWWWWW!]
"This is the weirdest case I've ever seen," said Police Chief Ben McBride. [THIS is the weirdest? Not the crop circles, or the alien abductions, or intercourse with farm animals?] A wad of chew in his mouth [of course], he didn't crack a smile as he talked about the case.
"It's not funny," [Indeed it is not funny. It's scary...scary that in a town of only 2,650 people, you don't know who might be doing this. Nice police work Barney Fife.] he said. "We're worried about the next step." [The next step being your having to get off your fat ass and do some actual police work.]
Will he move up and commit a more serious crime? [like using his money-maker to draw moustaches on all of the portraits in City Hall]
Valentine, a town of about 2,650 people, uses its name as a promotional tool, calling itself "The Heart City." [Or in this case, the Hard City, or maybe the Fart City, really I could do this all day] Downtown sidewalks are painted with hearts [which, as irony would have it, look like a giant red asses if you are walking the other way on the sidewalk], and locals encourage people from around the country to send their Valentine's Day cards to the local post office so they can be mailed out with the word "Valentine" stamped on them. [Flowers? Hrmph. Candy? Hah. Jewelry? Don't bother. What she really wants is a card, with the word "Valentine" stamped on it. How romantic is that! Nice job Rico Suave.]
Near the scenic Niobrara [which is a Santee Indian word meaning "water to keep the stupid people from dying"] River in remote north-central Nebraska, Valentine was named one of the top "wilderness" towns [BS Translation: hick town] in the country last year by National Geographic Adventure magazine.
Locals find some humor in the strange brand of graffiti [Looky there Myrtle. That looks like a smeared BE-hind. Huhuh. That's funny.] and have taken to calling the vandal the "Butt Bandit." [Which is exactly the way to get rid of an attention seeking vandal - give him a cute nickname!]
But they also can't help but cringe when finding his marks. [I gotta believe it is the same feeling as when you realize you stepped in dog crap.]
"We were completely grossed out," Kalli Kieborz said. She works in a downtown building. [BS Translation ... She works in THE downtown building.]
"One day I walked into the office and an employee said, 'Oh, my God, we've been struck!' she said."
Said Kieborz: "You could, like, see the whole package [if you squinted real hard, held your breath, got your face real close and looked at it at the right angle]."
It all started in spring 2007 [So this master criminal has been at large for nearly 18 months and Andy, Barney and the fellas can't nab him? Maybe they should question Floyd the Barber. He always seemed a little shifty to me]. The window of a Methodist church was greased with an imprint. [Thou shalt not bare false tukas.]
Chief McBride figured it was a high school prank. But the church kept getting hit, even after police staked it out. [Just picture that in your head. That is really its own joke.]
The bandit struck business after business, window after window last summer. [No wonder. Summer is hot and humid. His nether-regions no doubt got sweaty. How else is he supposed to get comfortable?]
Then he — and maybe, McBride said, copycat vandals [or even a gang...When you're a Butt, you're a Butt all the way. From your first living breath to your last dying day...]— stopped over the fall and winter. [Well, they didn't stop. It's just that the long underwear kinda ruins the effect. Plus those trap door buttons are hard to undo when you have gloves on.]
"People said he was done," McBride said. "Then he started back up this summer."
During one particularly brazen session, virtually all the windows at a local hotel were imprinted. [I am no artist, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.]
Late last month, Dana Anderson was alerted by a fellow employee at Valentine Midland News & Printing that their downtown building had a dirty window.
"It was very visible," Anderson said. "We used a long-handled squeegee to clean it off."
McBride said no one has reported seeing the vandal in action. [Maybe it's that sneaky, creepy Burger King guy.] The only clue is a blurry picture of him caught by a surveillance camera at the middle school last year.
The man was somewhere between 6 foot and 6 foot 3 and was slender. He had a dark complexion, and McBride said the man's dark hair was styled in a "1980s, feathered look." [So that is where Scott Baio has been all these years!]
Like the chief, Cherry County [Hold on. The City of Valentine is in Cherry County? OK. Just checking.] Attorney Eric Scott didn't find any humor in the vandalism.
"It's a malicious act [Malicious? Where is the malice? ... "I hate you, window. Take that you mean old window. I slap you with my penis, you bad, mean window. Smell my butt. Yes smell it! HA! That will teach you to glare at me!] that will be prosecuted once the person is apprehended," Scott said.
"This is not normal behavior for Valentine. [This guy should be tippin' cows, or shootin' stop signs, or doin' donuts in the corn fields like decent people do.] It's not funny or something people want to be exposed to."

Spilla Sera

Police: Man blames bad driving on spilled beer

Tue Sep 9, 6:22 PM ET
ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. - A man with four previous drunken driving convictions who was stopped for weaving in and out of traffic on Interstate 40 was ready with an excuse for his poor driving: his passenger spilled his beer. [Party Foul! Everyone drink!]
Not surprisingly, the man was arrested just before midnight Saturday, said state police officer Kurtis Ward, who said he initially thought the driver was joking. [Of course he did...because no one could possibly be that stupid, could they?]
"He was so matter of fact about it, like it wasn't a big deal," Ward said. ["Sir, do you know why I stopped you? ... I have a pretty good idea. ...Ok. Tell me why I stopped you. ... Well officer, you stopped me because Mr. Butterfingers here could not keep his grimy tentacles around that Budweiser, and spilled it on my crotch."]
The 31-year-old man was allegedly too drunk to perform field sobriety tests ["Ok, sir. I want you to stand up straight and look at the tip of my pen. ... Wow, that's a neat pen. Is that one of those astronaut pens? They can write upside down y'know. ... Sir, please. Follow the tip of the pen with your eyes. ... Have you been in space? You look like you could be in space. ... Sir, I am going to need you to cooperate and follow the pen please. ... I always wanted to go to space. That would be cool. VVVRRROOOOMMM through space in a rocket. That would be awesome! Do those rockets have cup holders? I would need someplace to put my beer. ... Sir, you have the right to remain silent ..."] and was arrested on aggravated drunken driving charges, court records said. Ward found four opened bottles of beer in the car, court records showed. ["Uh no officer. We did not drink those. That was my recycling."] It was the man's sixth DWI arrest. He had been found guilty of four of five previous drunken driving charges [At the last one the judge suggested he quit drinking, to which he replied, "I would, your honor, but I am no quitter."] and has paid $1,750 in fines, the DWI Resource Center said.

Bic-a-Sera

Man arrested after ballpoint pen stabbing

By Ben Winslow Deseret News
Published: Tuesday, Sept. 9, 2008 9:20 a.m. MDT
Cedar City police have arrested a wheelchair-bound man they say stabbed his brother-in-law in the face with a ballpoint pen as they were going to church. [Ok. Wait. There is too much humor in that one sentence. I am going into Buona Sera overload. Read it again. First, there is a convict who is complaining about how someone else raised HIS kids while HE was in JAIL not raising them because he is a criminal. Next we hear that it was his brother-in-law, a family member, who he presumably asked for help with this. Next we hear that he was so upset, he stabbed his family member over it - a good parental example to set. Then we hear that the weapon was a ballpoint pen - nice job MacGyver. Then we hear that the brother-in-law, presumably able bodied, got stabbed by someone in a wheel chair - couldn't he have just walked away? Then we hear he got stabbed in the face - not the leg, not the abdomen, or anywhere else low enough for someone in a wheel chair to reach, but in the face. Then we hear that all of this happened on the way to church - Thou shalt not shank thy brother-in-law. Really folks. I can't make this stuff up.]
Police said it happened Sunday morning outside the True Life Center church at 2111 N. Main. Jesus Javier Ortega [Yes, you read that right. Jesus...stabbed a guy...on the way to church. Really. I told you. I can't make this up.], 30, had been arguing off and on throughout the day with his brother-in-law, said Cedar City Police Sgt. Jerry Womack.
"The suspect had been in prison and the victim has been helping to raise his children. There was some dispute over the way the victim was raising his children, " Womack said Tuesday. [Apparently the brother-in-law was not teaching the children the proper life lessons, like how to turn a toothbrush into a weapon so you can shank the biggest muhfuhka in the joint and get your props in the yard.] Ortega, who is in a wheelchair, was being helped out of the car in the church parking lot when the victim was stabbed with the pen. "He was stabbed several times in the face," Womack said. [See kids. This is why we don't run with pens in our hands. Pens are dangerous. You could slip and accidentally stab someone in the face multiple times while they are trying to help you get out of a car.]
The victim was taken to the hospital where he was treated for punctures near his left ear, lip and right cheek. He received more than a dozen stitches and was later released. [When police questioned Ortega about the incident, he said, "I wasn't trying to stab him. I thought he was asking for my autograph."] Ortega was booked into the Iron County Jail on investigation of second-degree felony aggravated assault, where he remains in lieu of $20,000 bail. [And since it looks like he is going back to the hoosegow for a while, we can guess where the kids are going to stay. Don't you love the irony!]

Daddy Sera

Dad accused of leaving son while fleeing police

Mon Sep 8, 7:19 PM ET
MEMPHIS, Tenn. - A Memphis man is accused of leaving his 3-year-old son behind [blood is thicker than water, but apparently not thicker than alcohol - read on] while running from police on foot after a traffic accident. [Fleeing on foot is always a good way to handle a traffic accident, because if you are not there, they can never prove it was you...well, except for the license plate registered to you, and the registration card under your name, and your kid in the car. But other than those things they can never trace it back to you.] A 46-year-old man was charged with driving under the influence [Surprise!] and child endangerment ["Endangerment? What danger? He was inside the car wasn't he? It's not like he was on the roof or something!"] after a minor traffic accident Sunday night.
A police affidavit says the man tried to run from the scene but was chased down and held for authorities by two witnesses to the accident. [Nice work Green Hornet and Kato!]
The man was accused of leaving his son, who was not properly restrained ["Not properly restrained? I duct taped him to the front seat. You can't get a better restraint than that!"], sitting on the front seat of his car. [The kid was cited for driving without a license since his Dad made him drive because the Dad was too plowed.] Police said the boy's mother came and picked him up. [And to make sure he was safely transported, she fastened him to the floor of the trunk.]
No serious injuries were reported. [Well no serious injuries except the injury to the child's sense of stability and well being, and the injury to the neighborhood's sense of safety, and the injury to our collective intelligence and the very fabric of an intelligent society...except for those.]

Spicy Sera

Authorities: Burglar wakes men with spice rub

Mon Sep 8, 4:44 PM ET
FRESNO, Calif. - Authorities say they've arrested a man who broke into the home of two California farmworkers, stole money, rubbed one with spices [Let's kick this burglary up an notch! BAM!] and whacked the other with a sausage before fleeing. [For all of our sakes, let's hope that "spices" and "sausage" are not euphemisms.]
Fresno County sheriff's Lt. Ian Burrimond says 22-year-old Antonio Vasquez was found hiding in a field [Spectacular hiding place - a wide open flat area!] wearing only a T-shirt, boxers and socks after the Saturday morning attack. [But apparently this Homer Simpson disguise was not good enough to foil the top-shelf investigative skills of the Fresno County sheriff's department.]
He says deputies arrested Vasquez after finding a wallet containing his ID in the ransacked house. [His wallet was the one that said "Dumb Motherf*cker" on it.] The farmworkers told deputies the suspect woke them Saturday morning by rubbing spices on one of them [Because nothing says heist like a good victim dry rub, use McCormick's New Spicy Burglary Rub! It will make your victim tender and juicy, with a west coast zing!] and smacking the other with an 8-inch sausage. [The first victim suffered from 3rd degree marinations, while the second victim suffered from embarassment at getting pummelled by an encased pork product.]
Burrimond says money allegedly stolen was recovered [and used to purchase charcoal and lighter fluid, and they all had a great big barbecue].

___

Sera-On-A-Plane

JetBlue flight diverted after fight breaks out

UPDATED: 10:54 PM EDT September 06, 2008

(CNN)
A JetBlue flight from Boston, Massachusetts, to Fort Lauderdale, Florida, was diverted Saturday when a fight broke out after someone was smoking in the bathroom, federal officials said. One passenger aboard JetBlue Flight 455 was taken into custody at Raleigh-Durham International Airport in North Carolina after the plane landed about 5:45 p.m. [The remaining passengers fled the plane in an attempt to get into the smoking lounge with enough time to burn a heater or two before having to get back into that air-tight, flying death-tube.] A federal Transportation Security Administration spokeswoman said one person was injured in the face by what may have been a punch. [Or it may have been the way it looked from birth. It's hard to tell.] She said the fight involved three people who are thought to be related. [by blood, marriage or likely both] According to the airline, there were 88 people and four crew members aboard the jet. [One of whom may have been Samuel L. Jackson, who was heard to say, "I am tired of the muthaf***ing smokes on this muthaf***ing plane." ] The flight had been scheduled to leave Boston at 1 p.m. but did not take off until 3:11 p.m. [which the airline listed as an on-time departure for statistical purposes since the plane actually left the same day it was scheduled to leave], spokeswoman Alison Eshelman said. Eyewitnesses said the scuffle was between two brothers [So the TSA spokesperson said there were 3 related people involved, and the eyewitnesses said that it was between two brothers. That is some keen investigation by the TSA.], one of whom was angry that his brother had smoked on a plane. [The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish smokers and the tyranny of evil smoking men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and fresh air, shepherds the weak addicts through the valley of tobacco, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those smokers who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.] One passenger interviewed by CNN affiliate WFOR said the fight left one of the men bloody. [but he had a great nicotine buzz, so that was worth it] "I saw the guy holding his head with the blood coming out," [It was unclear if that head was still attached to his shoulders] Mike Rocha said. The jet was held at the North Carolina airport for about two hours while FBI investigators interviewed passengers. [Excuse me sir, but we'd like to talk to you about what happened. ...Ok, what's up? ... Can we see your ID? ... It's in my wallet. ... Well, which wallet is yours, sir? ... It's the one that says Bad Motherf*cker on it.]

Visa Sera

Alleged credit card thief signs name on receipts

Wed Sep 3, 9:24 PM ET
IOWA CITY, Iowa - Iowa City police say they didn't have much trouble finding a man accused of using a stolen credit card — he signed his own name to the receipts. [Holy Credit Card Theft Batman! How can we ever nab this nefarious ne'er-do-well? ... Patience, Robin. I put the credit card receipts into the Batcomputer and learned that the man who signed the receipts was not the same person as the man whose name is on the card. ... Holy megabites Batman! That's amazing! Thank goodness for the Batcomputer or we might never have solved this one!] Police said the man used the stolen credit card to buy a latte at a coffee house [Who can blame him? Have you seen how much a venti latte costs at Starbucks?] and to buy cigarettes at a tobacco store [Kool Methol? I don't think so. Kent Ultra Lights? Not today. Then what'll ya have? Gimme the good stuff - Marlboro reds, my man.]. Police said the credit card was reported stolen from an unlocked apartment last month. [After which Lex Luthor took the subsequent 30 days to plan his intricately wicked 4 store crime spree. With this stolen credit card he would wreak havoc on Iowa City and bring this financial megalopolis to its knees! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!] They said the man also tried to use it at another store [Had to be a liquor store, don't you think?], but the card was declined because it came up as stolen.[I'm sorry sir but this card was denied. ... What? Denied? ... Yes sir. It says here that the card is stolen. ... Stolen? How can that be? I have the card right here. So if the card is here, how can it be stolen? ... Ah. I see, sir. Good point. You must be right. So there is no need to call the police. But you should straighten that out with your credit card company. And while you are at it you should get them to correct your name, because they put someone else's name on the card.] He also used the card at a local deli. [$8 for a turkey sandwich! Can you believe that? Who carries that kind of cash around? I'm gonna have to charge this one.] He has been charged with four counts of unauthorized use of a credit card.

Hoagie Sera

Iowa man accused of offering bribe with sandwich

Tue Sep 2, 8:26 PM ET
IOWA CITY, Iowa - Iowa City police said a man who was driving drunk tried to bribe a police officer — with a sandwich. [Apparently he was all out of donuts.] Police said a 25-year-old man was charged with drunken driving early Sunday morning after an officer saw him driving with his headlights off and pulled him over. [The driver was stunned that the officer even saw him because he thought he was in "stealth mode." At least that was what the sales guy told him that button would do.]

Police said the man was riding with a police officer in a squad car when he offered the officer free sub sandwiches if he could go home. [The officer considered the offer, but then remembered that his cholesterol level was too high and he had just run out of his Lipitor prescription.] The officer declined. [But as a consolation, the officer told the man that he may want to make that offer to his cell mate. It is better to voluntarily offer a sub to your cell mate rather than be forced to offer him a tossed salad.]

Porta-Potty Sera

This story was brought to my attention by loyal reader (and fellow observer of stupidity) BEACHTERP, which is a story from Bay News 9 in Tampa. Thanks Beachterp.

Police: Burglary suspect trapped in portable toilet [This headline just screams stupidity, doesn't it?]
Sunday, August 31, 2008

TAMPA (Bay News 9) -- A man was arrested Saturday afternoon [Isn't burglary generally more successful when people can't see you? Now, admittedly I am no criminal mastermind, but it would seem to me that daylight would tend to hinder that objective.] after police said he broke into a truck and then was chased into a portable toilet by the owner and his friend.
Police said 22-year-old Lorenzo Earl Knight [How proud his mama must be that they listed his whole name!] broke into a 1999 Ford F-150 in the parking lot of International Plaza and stole a digital camera. [But then he threw the camera back when he saw that the SD card contained nude photos of the owner's girlfriend, or at least as much of her as would fit in the frame.] They said that he then broke into 2000 Ford F-150 [Two F-150s in the same parking lot... coincidence?], and in the process he was seen by the owner of the second truck. [Apparently the black shirt, black pants, black shoes and black ski mask did not keep him as concealed as he had hoped, what with the bright sunshine and all.]
According to reports, the owner of the truck and his friend chased Knight [if you can call it a chase...with the boilers that I am guessing were hanging under their rib cages, it was likely more like a waddle] to a nearby construction site, where the suspect tried to hide in a portable toilet. [Genius! Sheer genius! Lord knows there could not possibly be anywhere else to hide IN A CONSTRUCTION SITE!] Police said the victim and his friend found the portable toilet and turned it over[Redneck Justice! That could be a new series on Fox. "Fat Boys. Fat Boys. Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they cover you in poo?"] , covering Knight in a "large amount of human waste." [Let's do the math on that...enclosed space + little air flow + high Florda humidity + hot midday Florida sun + construction workers + large amount of human waste = doo doo stew. Mmmmmmm.]
Knight was arrested shortly afterwards [after being disinfected by a hazmat crew]. He was taken to jail and charged with two counts of burglary of an unoccupied conveyance and one count of third-degree grand theft [and one count of stunk and disodorly...sorry, that was bad...I just could not resist the pun]. Bond was set at $6,000. [Which was how much it cost the police department to get that smell out of the police car.] He was released Sunday shortly after midnight. [Mostly because he still smelled so bad, that even the salad-tossing man got queasy.]

Nanny Sera

Help-wanted ad for nanny: `My kids are a pain'

Thu Aug 28, 6:17 PM ET
NEW YORK - It was an unusually honest ad for a live-in nanny, a 1,000-word tome beginning, "My kids are a pain." [Buona Sera Translation: "Help! I screwed up my kids and I need you to rescue me from them."]But it worked, attracting a brave [BST: desperate, jobless] soul who's never been a nanny before. [Now that's who you want raising your troubled children...someone who has absolutely no experience raising children. Yet another stellar choice from this Mother of the Year candidate. Way to go! That's a solid parenting decision!]
"If you cannot multitask [which apparently Mom can't do], or communicate without being passive aggressive [Which I am guessing is also Mom's problem], don't even bother replying," Rebecca Land Soodak, a mother of four on Manhattan's Upper East Side [Ok. I see now. It takes a little cash to raise 4 kids on the Upper East Side, so this lady clearly has a little of that. So this lazy Diva probably wants to let someone else be responsible for her kids while she meets the other Divas for lunch martinis and shopping.], wrote Aug. 19 in her advertisement on Craigslist. [Which you might recognize as the foremost source for quality Nanny referrals in the US and maybe the world. You will never see scam artists, con men, or other nefarious types there. Once again another solid parenting decision!]
"I can be a tad difficult to work for. [Really? I would not have imagined that!] I'm loud [No!], pushy [Say it isn't so!] and while I used to think we paid well, I am no longer sure. [Because no one wants to take the job. News flash, honey... people aren't declining to take your Nanny position because the salary is low. They are not taking it because you are a nasty, lazy beeotch who has four spoiled, bratty demon offspring. That sound you hear is the alarm clock, sister. Wake up.] " This being the age of instant communications, the ad took on a life of its own, making the rounds of parenting blogs [Under the tag line - "Look what this moron posted!"] and e-mail inboxes and inspiring an article in Thursday's New York Times. [Once again, solid parenting. That's what you strive for as a parent - to have your name in the Times associated with a story about pawning your rotten kids off on someone else. How proud she must be.]
Soodak, a 40-year-old painter whose husband owns a wine store, eventually hired Christina Wynn [Pray for her], a 25-year-old University of Virginia graduate, to take care of Rubin, 12; Ellis, 9; and Shay and Cassie, both 6. [Pray for them too.]
"I made a commitment to stay in the job for at least a year," [I bet she doesn't make it past Christmas.] Wynn told the Times. "I met the oldest child, but not the others,[More sound parenting - hire someone to raise your kids without having that person actually meet your kids] which my mother said was crazy — to accept the job without meeting all the kids. [So I am guessing that this UVa grad did not graduate top of her class. Are we starting to see two separate storms of stupidity brewing off the coast? When these two storms of stupidity collide, there will be carnage of biblical proportions. ] So we'll see." She noted that one of the pluses is that the children are all in school for several hours each day. [Does anyone else see it as a problem that one of the pluses for a job is that for part of the day you don't have to do the job? Or is that just me? OK. Just checking.]
Some other excerpts from the listing: "If you are fundamentally unhappy with your life, you will be more unhappy if you take this job, so do us all a favor and get some treatment or move to the Rockies, but do not apply for employment with us." ["Because we take no pleasure in making unhappy people more unhappy. Where is the sport in that? We want to ruin the life of a perfectly happy person. Misery loves making the company more than it loves having the company."] And this: "Also, if you suspect all wealthy women are frivolous, we are not for you." ["Because I am frivolous and I do not need to be judged by a peon like you, who are no doubt beneath me.] And this: "I have all sorts of theories on how to stack my dishwasher ["which I think is located somewhere in the kitchen, or so I am told"], and if you are judgmental about Ritalin for ADHD [or Paxil, or Zoloft, or Prozac, or Lithium], or think such things are caused by too much sugar, again, deal-break city." [Did she really put "deal-break city" in the ad? Really? What is she, a high school cheerleader? "Like, y'know, it would, like be really rad if, like y'know, we could get someone who could, like, raise our kids for us and stuff. So if you think you might do it, you can, like, hit me on my celly, or text me or something."]
No word yet on whether a sequel to "The Nanny Diaries" is in the works. Meanwhile, Soodak tells the Times: "I hope she likes it here. ["I'm too lazy to look for another nanny."] I sent the ad to one of my old sitters and she said she felt it was pretty accurate [There's a ringing endorsement! I am surprised she is even still talking to you.], which sort of stung a little bit. [Through all of this, THAT is what stings? Not the fact that you are a failure as a parent, or that your kids are spoiled and unmanageable, or that your family's name is now nationally published as a complete familial wreck?] "

Baseball-a Sera

9-year-old boy told he's too good to pitch

By JOHN CHRISTOFFERSEN, Associated Press Writer Mon Aug 25, 9:33 PM ET
NEW HAVEN, Conn. - Nine-year-old Jericho Scott is a good baseball player — too good, it turns out.
The right-hander has a fastball that tops out at about 40 mph. [Plus he has a killer set of Pokemon cards]. He throws so hard that the Youth Baseball League of New Haven told his coach that the boy could not pitch any more. [Apparently the New Haven Police set up a speed trap between 3rd and home, clocked the kid's pitches over the legal limit, and ticketed the league. Now the League faces the possibility of a fine and 2 points on their license. Plus you know the insurance is going to go u p to.] When Jericho took the mound anyway last week, the opposing team forfeited the game, packed its gear and left, his coach said. [That's the spirit of competition we are trying to teach our young people! Maybe those kids can use those same crybaby skills in school...when a test is too hard, you just pack your crap and go home. Then the test doesn't count! Woo-hoo! Let's all get on the train to Mediocreville!]
Officials for the three-year-old league [Is this the age of the league or the mental age of its commissioners?], which has eight teams and about 100 players, said they will disband Jericho's team, redistributing its players among other squads, and offered to refund $50 sign-up fees to anyone who asks for it. [Major League Baseball has noted what is happening and were going to do the same thing to the New York Yankees, but they tanked this year and saved themselves.] They say Jericho's coach, Wilfred Vidro, has resigned. But Vidro says he didn't quit and the team refuses to disband. Players and parents held a protest at the league's field on Saturday urging the league to let Jericho pitch. [They chained themselves to the backstop and laid down in front of the lawn mowers who were trying to cut the grass, all while chanting "Hell no, let him throw." But the lawn mowers had strict orders. The parents will be missed. Pray for them.]
"He's never hurt any one, [except making the other pansy kids cry] " Vidro said. "He's on target all the time. [except when he gets the sign to bring a little chin music] How can you punish a kid for being too good?"
The controversy bothers Jericho, who says he misses pitching.
"I feel sad," he said. "I feel like it's all my fault nobody could play." [Suck it up kid. It's the Spock rule. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one. You need to throw fast, and the rest of the players need to feel like you are not better than they are and that they don't suck. You lose.]
Jericho's coach and parents say the boy is being unfairly targeted because he turned down an invitation to join the defending league champion, which is sponsored by an employer of one of the league's administrators. [League administrator, Hank Steinbrenner, denies that there is any truth to that report.]
Jericho instead joined a team sponsored by Will Power Fitness. The team was 8-0 and on its way to the playoffs when Jericho was banned from pitching.
"I think it's discouraging when you're telling a 9-year-old you're too good at something," said his mother, Nicole Scott. "The whole objective in life is to find something you're good at and stick with it. I'd rather he spend all his time on the baseball field than idolizing someone standing on the street corner."
League attorney Peter Noble [Whose name is quite ironic, since he is clearly one and not the other. Think about it. Look at the name. Wait for it..one...not the other....there it is. Now you get it.] says the only factor in banning Jericho from the mound is his pitches are just too fast. ["Our slow-ass, lazy, fat, sloppy, video game junkie kids can barely lift the bat. How are they going to hit a 40mph fast ball?"] "He is a very skilled player, a very hard thrower," Noble said. "There are a lot of beginners. [translation: These kids are wimps and crybabies] This is not a high-powered league. [translation: We want all of the kids to be the same. If everyone is the same, no one sucks. Our kids' constitutions are too delicate to accept the possibility that they suck.] This is a developmental league whose main purpose is to promote the sport. [translation: These kids don't want to be here. They are only here because their parents sucked at sports when they were kids and want to live vicariously through their kids' accomplishments.] "
Noble acknowledged that Jericho had not beaned any batters in the co-ed league of 8- to 10-year-olds, but say parents expressed safety concerns. [Oh no. We would not want our kids to get an owie.]
"Facing that kind of speed" is frightening for beginning players, Noble said. [Or is it frightening for the thin-skinned, politically correct, parenting-nazis watching the beginners?]
League officials say they first told Vidro that the boy could not pitch after a game on Aug. 13. Jericho played second base the next game on Aug. 16. But when he took the mound Wednesday, the other team walked off and a forfeit was called. [What a great lesson to teach our kids.]
League officials say Jericho's mother became irate, threatening them and vowing to get the league shut down. [She was seen to do such offensive things as ball her fist and raise it in the air, while saying "Drat! You cursed other team players!" Some witnesses even say she raised her voice, causing some other parents to fear for their children's hearing and causing the league to issue a rule that all players must wear earplugs during the remaining games.]
"I have never seen behavior of a parent like the behavior Jericho's mother exhibited Wednesday night," Noble said. [So he saw it? He was there? Doesn't that make him a witness? And thus unable to act as an attorney as a result of the conflict of interest? Plus if he was there too, that means his probably has a kid in the league, making him one of the parents of the pansy-progeny.]
Scott denies threatening any one, but said she did call the police. [Who, if you remember were close by, hiding in their speed trap between 3rd and home.] League officials suggested that Jericho play other positions [because no kid ever gets hit in the face by a middle infielder throwing to first on a double play], or pitch against older players or in a different league[translation: kids who are not quite a sissified as these kids].
Local attorney John Williams was planning to meet with Jericho's parents Monday to discuss legal options. [That is basic law school stuff - I think it's in the 1st Amendment - No state shall abridge the right of talented children to throw heat.]
"You don't have to be learned in the law to know in your heart that it's wrong, [And as we all know, the law ALWAYS rights the wrongs, right? " he said. "Now you have to be punished because you excel at something?" [Now go to your room and write "I will not throw gas." one hundred times.

[Phew. That was a long one. I think I need a drink. Hey bartender! Jobu needs a refill!"