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These New Seats in Dallas Is Texas-Sized
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
The Dallas Cowboys are America's team for so many reasons: their consistent excellence as a franchise, their brash, bold style, and most importantly, because they insist on calling themselves "America's team." [And who are we to argue with them, right? Don't mess with Texas!] Being the polite people that we are, Americans are generally too nice to argue with the men, especially when they're waving guns and a-whoopin' and a-hollerin' as cowboys are wont to do. (Americans: smart, as well.)
The Cowboys are also America's team, because they made the seats in their new stadium for fat people. [Walk through any public place in this country and you'll see the truth in that statement!]
All the seats at the new stadium are between 19 and 20½ inches wide[They make everything big in Texas!] compared to the 17- and 18-inch wide seats at Texas Stadium. Mock them if you like [And I do like], but the plain facts are inescapable and weighty: your butt is substantially bigger than the hindparts of your forebears [which might have something to do with the pathetically lazy Big Mac culture we have become], and if you want demonstrable proof, try going to Wrigley Field or to Notre Dame and squeezing yourself into a seat . It's an exercise in embarrassment [and God knows Americans don't exercise much, so they probably don't care] even for the svelte among us, since as a whole Americans at this moment are fatter than we've ever been. [C'mon now. America is only 232 years old. That's young compared to other countries. Maybe it's just baby fat and we'll grow out of it. ] You might as well make your stadium to fit rather than attempting to enforce virtue through architecture. [Heaven forbid we actually shun obesity and laziness.] Now, if we could just bring back the wearing of pants pulled up to your sternum [that is, outside of the engineering department at your local college], we could dispense with this whole notion of "not being horrifically obese" altogether, and head down to our spacious NFL stadiums wearing zoot suits and driving golf carts in lieu of pesky, tiring walking. [They are already doing that at Disney World. It is downright shocking the number of morbidly obese sloths tooling around the Magic Kingdom in electric powered Pork-Mobiles with a 64 oz. Diet Coke in one hand, 3 scoops of ice cream in the other, and 4 pounds of fudge stowed in the carry basket in the front.]
The Cowboys are also America's team, because they made the seats in their new stadium for fat people. [Walk through any public place in this country and you'll see the truth in that statement!]
All the seats at the new stadium are between 19 and 20½ inches wide[They make everything big in Texas!] compared to the 17- and 18-inch wide seats at Texas Stadium. Mock them if you like [And I do like], but the plain facts are inescapable and weighty: your butt is substantially bigger than the hindparts of your forebears [which might have something to do with the pathetically lazy Big Mac culture we have become], and if you want demonstrable proof, try going to Wrigley Field or to Notre Dame and squeezing yourself into a seat . It's an exercise in embarrassment [and God knows Americans don't exercise much, so they probably don't care] even for the svelte among us, since as a whole Americans at this moment are fatter than we've ever been. [C'mon now. America is only 232 years old. That's young compared to other countries. Maybe it's just baby fat and we'll grow out of it. ] You might as well make your stadium to fit rather than attempting to enforce virtue through architecture. [Heaven forbid we actually shun obesity and laziness.] Now, if we could just bring back the wearing of pants pulled up to your sternum [that is, outside of the engineering department at your local college], we could dispense with this whole notion of "not being horrifically obese" altogether, and head down to our spacious NFL stadiums wearing zoot suits and driving golf carts in lieu of pesky, tiring walking. [They are already doing that at Disney World. It is downright shocking the number of morbidly obese sloths tooling around the Magic Kingdom in electric powered Pork-Mobiles with a 64 oz. Diet Coke in one hand, 3 scoops of ice cream in the other, and 4 pounds of fudge stowed in the carry basket in the front.]
Original story and photo taken from the Sporting News:
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