Spicy Sera

Authorities: Burglar wakes men with spice rub

Mon Sep 8, 4:44 PM ET
FRESNO, Calif. - Authorities say they've arrested a man who broke into the home of two California farmworkers, stole money, rubbed one with spices [Let's kick this burglary up an notch! BAM!] and whacked the other with a sausage before fleeing. [For all of our sakes, let's hope that "spices" and "sausage" are not euphemisms.]
Fresno County sheriff's Lt. Ian Burrimond says 22-year-old Antonio Vasquez was found hiding in a field [Spectacular hiding place - a wide open flat area!] wearing only a T-shirt, boxers and socks after the Saturday morning attack. [But apparently this Homer Simpson disguise was not good enough to foil the top-shelf investigative skills of the Fresno County sheriff's department.]
He says deputies arrested Vasquez after finding a wallet containing his ID in the ransacked house. [His wallet was the one that said "Dumb Motherf*cker" on it.] The farmworkers told deputies the suspect woke them Saturday morning by rubbing spices on one of them [Because nothing says heist like a good victim dry rub, use McCormick's New Spicy Burglary Rub! It will make your victim tender and juicy, with a west coast zing!] and smacking the other with an 8-inch sausage. [The first victim suffered from 3rd degree marinations, while the second victim suffered from embarassment at getting pummelled by an encased pork product.]
Burrimond says money allegedly stolen was recovered [and used to purchase charcoal and lighter fluid, and they all had a great big barbecue].

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