Greasy Sera

Lewd vandal leaves greasy imprints on Neb. town

VALENTINE, Neb. - Boy, how people here wish their busiest vandal would find another way to make his mark. Some man has been skipping from one business to another in the dark of night, pressing his naked behind — sometimes his groin, sometimes both [Both? At the same time? I don't care who you are...that's impressive.]— on windows.
It's easy to tell. [Wait for it....]
Store owners, church workers and school janitors have had to wash lotion and petroleum jelly off the windows he selects. [...And there it is. And all together now... EWWWWWWW!]
"This is the weirdest case I've ever seen," said Police Chief Ben McBride. [THIS is the weirdest? Not the crop circles, or the alien abductions, or intercourse with farm animals?] A wad of chew in his mouth [of course], he didn't crack a smile as he talked about the case.
"It's not funny," [Indeed it is not funny. It's scary...scary that in a town of only 2,650 people, you don't know who might be doing this. Nice police work Barney Fife.] he said. "We're worried about the next step." [The next step being your having to get off your fat ass and do some actual police work.]
Will he move up and commit a more serious crime? [like using his money-maker to draw moustaches on all of the portraits in City Hall]
Valentine, a town of about 2,650 people, uses its name as a promotional tool, calling itself "The Heart City." [Or in this case, the Hard City, or maybe the Fart City, really I could do this all day] Downtown sidewalks are painted with hearts [which, as irony would have it, look like a giant red asses if you are walking the other way on the sidewalk], and locals encourage people from around the country to send their Valentine's Day cards to the local post office so they can be mailed out with the word "Valentine" stamped on them. [Flowers? Hrmph. Candy? Hah. Jewelry? Don't bother. What she really wants is a card, with the word "Valentine" stamped on it. How romantic is that! Nice job Rico Suave.]
Near the scenic Niobrara [which is a Santee Indian word meaning "water to keep the stupid people from dying"] River in remote north-central Nebraska, Valentine was named one of the top "wilderness" towns [BS Translation: hick town] in the country last year by National Geographic Adventure magazine.
Locals find some humor in the strange brand of graffiti [Looky there Myrtle. That looks like a smeared BE-hind. Huhuh. That's funny.] and have taken to calling the vandal the "Butt Bandit." [Which is exactly the way to get rid of an attention seeking vandal - give him a cute nickname!]
But they also can't help but cringe when finding his marks. [I gotta believe it is the same feeling as when you realize you stepped in dog crap.]
"We were completely grossed out," Kalli Kieborz said. She works in a downtown building. [BS Translation ... She works in THE downtown building.]
"One day I walked into the office and an employee said, 'Oh, my God, we've been struck!' she said."
Said Kieborz: "You could, like, see the whole package [if you squinted real hard, held your breath, got your face real close and looked at it at the right angle]."
It all started in spring 2007 [So this master criminal has been at large for nearly 18 months and Andy, Barney and the fellas can't nab him? Maybe they should question Floyd the Barber. He always seemed a little shifty to me]. The window of a Methodist church was greased with an imprint. [Thou shalt not bare false tukas.]
Chief McBride figured it was a high school prank. But the church kept getting hit, even after police staked it out. [Just picture that in your head. That is really its own joke.]
The bandit struck business after business, window after window last summer. [No wonder. Summer is hot and humid. His nether-regions no doubt got sweaty. How else is he supposed to get comfortable?]
Then he — and maybe, McBride said, copycat vandals [or even a gang...When you're a Butt, you're a Butt all the way. From your first living breath to your last dying day...]— stopped over the fall and winter. [Well, they didn't stop. It's just that the long underwear kinda ruins the effect. Plus those trap door buttons are hard to undo when you have gloves on.]
"People said he was done," McBride said. "Then he started back up this summer."
During one particularly brazen session, virtually all the windows at a local hotel were imprinted. [I am no artist, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.]
Late last month, Dana Anderson was alerted by a fellow employee at Valentine Midland News & Printing that their downtown building had a dirty window.
"It was very visible," Anderson said. "We used a long-handled squeegee to clean it off."
McBride said no one has reported seeing the vandal in action. [Maybe it's that sneaky, creepy Burger King guy.] The only clue is a blurry picture of him caught by a surveillance camera at the middle school last year.
The man was somewhere between 6 foot and 6 foot 3 and was slender. He had a dark complexion, and McBride said the man's dark hair was styled in a "1980s, feathered look." [So that is where Scott Baio has been all these years!]
Like the chief, Cherry County [Hold on. The City of Valentine is in Cherry County? OK. Just checking.] Attorney Eric Scott didn't find any humor in the vandalism.
"It's a malicious act [Malicious? Where is the malice? ... "I hate you, window. Take that you mean old window. I slap you with my penis, you bad, mean window. Smell my butt. Yes smell it! HA! That will teach you to glare at me!] that will be prosecuted once the person is apprehended," Scott said.
"This is not normal behavior for Valentine. [This guy should be tippin' cows, or shootin' stop signs, or doin' donuts in the corn fields like decent people do.] It's not funny or something people want to be exposed to."