Spilla Sera

Police: Man blames bad driving on spilled beer

Tue Sep 9, 6:22 PM ET
ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. - A man with four previous drunken driving convictions who was stopped for weaving in and out of traffic on Interstate 40 was ready with an excuse for his poor driving: his passenger spilled his beer. [Party Foul! Everyone drink!]
Not surprisingly, the man was arrested just before midnight Saturday, said state police officer Kurtis Ward, who said he initially thought the driver was joking. [Of course he did...because no one could possibly be that stupid, could they?]
"He was so matter of fact about it, like it wasn't a big deal," Ward said. ["Sir, do you know why I stopped you? ... I have a pretty good idea. ...Ok. Tell me why I stopped you. ... Well officer, you stopped me because Mr. Butterfingers here could not keep his grimy tentacles around that Budweiser, and spilled it on my crotch."]
The 31-year-old man was allegedly too drunk to perform field sobriety tests ["Ok, sir. I want you to stand up straight and look at the tip of my pen. ... Wow, that's a neat pen. Is that one of those astronaut pens? They can write upside down y'know. ... Sir, please. Follow the tip of the pen with your eyes. ... Have you been in space? You look like you could be in space. ... Sir, I am going to need you to cooperate and follow the pen please. ... I always wanted to go to space. That would be cool. VVVRRROOOOMMM through space in a rocket. That would be awesome! Do those rockets have cup holders? I would need someplace to put my beer. ... Sir, you have the right to remain silent ..."] and was arrested on aggravated drunken driving charges, court records said. Ward found four opened bottles of beer in the car, court records showed. ["Uh no officer. We did not drink those. That was my recycling."] It was the man's sixth DWI arrest. He had been found guilty of four of five previous drunken driving charges [At the last one the judge suggested he quit drinking, to which he replied, "I would, your honor, but I am no quitter."] and has paid $1,750 in fines, the DWI Resource Center said.