Porta-Potty Sera

This story was brought to my attention by loyal reader (and fellow observer of stupidity) BEACHTERP, which is a story from Bay News 9 in Tampa. Thanks Beachterp.

Police: Burglary suspect trapped in portable toilet [This headline just screams stupidity, doesn't it?]
Sunday, August 31, 2008

TAMPA (Bay News 9) -- A man was arrested Saturday afternoon [Isn't burglary generally more successful when people can't see you? Now, admittedly I am no criminal mastermind, but it would seem to me that daylight would tend to hinder that objective.] after police said he broke into a truck and then was chased into a portable toilet by the owner and his friend.
Police said 22-year-old Lorenzo Earl Knight [How proud his mama must be that they listed his whole name!] broke into a 1999 Ford F-150 in the parking lot of International Plaza and stole a digital camera. [But then he threw the camera back when he saw that the SD card contained nude photos of the owner's girlfriend, or at least as much of her as would fit in the frame.] They said that he then broke into 2000 Ford F-150 [Two F-150s in the same parking lot... coincidence?], and in the process he was seen by the owner of the second truck. [Apparently the black shirt, black pants, black shoes and black ski mask did not keep him as concealed as he had hoped, what with the bright sunshine and all.]
According to reports, the owner of the truck and his friend chased Knight [if you can call it a chase...with the boilers that I am guessing were hanging under their rib cages, it was likely more like a waddle] to a nearby construction site, where the suspect tried to hide in a portable toilet. [Genius! Sheer genius! Lord knows there could not possibly be anywhere else to hide IN A CONSTRUCTION SITE!] Police said the victim and his friend found the portable toilet and turned it over[Redneck Justice! That could be a new series on Fox. "Fat Boys. Fat Boys. Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they cover you in poo?"] , covering Knight in a "large amount of human waste." [Let's do the math on that...enclosed space + little air flow + high Florda humidity + hot midday Florida sun + construction workers + large amount of human waste = doo doo stew. Mmmmmmm.]
Knight was arrested shortly afterwards [after being disinfected by a hazmat crew]. He was taken to jail and charged with two counts of burglary of an unoccupied conveyance and one count of third-degree grand theft [and one count of stunk and disodorly...sorry, that was bad...I just could not resist the pun]. Bond was set at $6,000. [Which was how much it cost the police department to get that smell out of the police car.] He was released Sunday shortly after midnight. [Mostly because he still smelled so bad, that even the salad-tossing man got queasy.]