Nanny Sera

Help-wanted ad for nanny: `My kids are a pain'

Thu Aug 28, 6:17 PM ET
NEW YORK - It was an unusually honest ad for a live-in nanny, a 1,000-word tome beginning, "My kids are a pain." [Buona Sera Translation: "Help! I screwed up my kids and I need you to rescue me from them."]But it worked, attracting a brave [BST: desperate, jobless] soul who's never been a nanny before. [Now that's who you want raising your troubled children...someone who has absolutely no experience raising children. Yet another stellar choice from this Mother of the Year candidate. Way to go! That's a solid parenting decision!]
"If you cannot multitask [which apparently Mom can't do], or communicate without being passive aggressive [Which I am guessing is also Mom's problem], don't even bother replying," Rebecca Land Soodak, a mother of four on Manhattan's Upper East Side [Ok. I see now. It takes a little cash to raise 4 kids on the Upper East Side, so this lady clearly has a little of that. So this lazy Diva probably wants to let someone else be responsible for her kids while she meets the other Divas for lunch martinis and shopping.], wrote Aug. 19 in her advertisement on Craigslist. [Which you might recognize as the foremost source for quality Nanny referrals in the US and maybe the world. You will never see scam artists, con men, or other nefarious types there. Once again another solid parenting decision!]
"I can be a tad difficult to work for. [Really? I would not have imagined that!] I'm loud [No!], pushy [Say it isn't so!] and while I used to think we paid well, I am no longer sure. [Because no one wants to take the job. News flash, honey... people aren't declining to take your Nanny position because the salary is low. They are not taking it because you are a nasty, lazy beeotch who has four spoiled, bratty demon offspring. That sound you hear is the alarm clock, sister. Wake up.] " This being the age of instant communications, the ad took on a life of its own, making the rounds of parenting blogs [Under the tag line - "Look what this moron posted!"] and e-mail inboxes and inspiring an article in Thursday's New York Times. [Once again, solid parenting. That's what you strive for as a parent - to have your name in the Times associated with a story about pawning your rotten kids off on someone else. How proud she must be.]
Soodak, a 40-year-old painter whose husband owns a wine store, eventually hired Christina Wynn [Pray for her], a 25-year-old University of Virginia graduate, to take care of Rubin, 12; Ellis, 9; and Shay and Cassie, both 6. [Pray for them too.]
"I made a commitment to stay in the job for at least a year," [I bet she doesn't make it past Christmas.] Wynn told the Times. "I met the oldest child, but not the others,[More sound parenting - hire someone to raise your kids without having that person actually meet your kids] which my mother said was crazy — to accept the job without meeting all the kids. [So I am guessing that this UVa grad did not graduate top of her class. Are we starting to see two separate storms of stupidity brewing off the coast? When these two storms of stupidity collide, there will be carnage of biblical proportions. ] So we'll see." She noted that one of the pluses is that the children are all in school for several hours each day. [Does anyone else see it as a problem that one of the pluses for a job is that for part of the day you don't have to do the job? Or is that just me? OK. Just checking.]
Some other excerpts from the listing: "If you are fundamentally unhappy with your life, you will be more unhappy if you take this job, so do us all a favor and get some treatment or move to the Rockies, but do not apply for employment with us." ["Because we take no pleasure in making unhappy people more unhappy. Where is the sport in that? We want to ruin the life of a perfectly happy person. Misery loves making the company more than it loves having the company."] And this: "Also, if you suspect all wealthy women are frivolous, we are not for you." ["Because I am frivolous and I do not need to be judged by a peon like you, who are no doubt beneath me.] And this: "I have all sorts of theories on how to stack my dishwasher ["which I think is located somewhere in the kitchen, or so I am told"], and if you are judgmental about Ritalin for ADHD [or Paxil, or Zoloft, or Prozac, or Lithium], or think such things are caused by too much sugar, again, deal-break city." [Did she really put "deal-break city" in the ad? Really? What is she, a high school cheerleader? "Like, y'know, it would, like be really rad if, like y'know, we could get someone who could, like, raise our kids for us and stuff. So if you think you might do it, you can, like, hit me on my celly, or text me or something."]
No word yet on whether a sequel to "The Nanny Diaries" is in the works. Meanwhile, Soodak tells the Times: "I hope she likes it here. ["I'm too lazy to look for another nanny."] I sent the ad to one of my old sitters and she said she felt it was pretty accurate [There's a ringing endorsement! I am surprised she is even still talking to you.], which sort of stung a little bit. [Through all of this, THAT is what stings? Not the fact that you are a failure as a parent, or that your kids are spoiled and unmanageable, or that your family's name is now nationally published as a complete familial wreck?] "