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Mama's milk ice cream cone, anyone?
By JOHN CURRAN Associated Press Writer
WATERBURY, Vt. (AP) -- Mooove over, Holsteins. PETA [These folks are now officially off the reservation.] wants world-famous Ben & Jerry's Homemade Ice Cream to tap nursing moms, rather than cows, for the milk used in its ice cream. [Breast milk ice cream? - talk about your Chubby Hubby!]
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is asking the ice cream maker to begin using breast milk in its products instead of cow's milk, saying it would reduce the suffering of cows and calves [at the expense of the suffering of nursing mothers?? ] and give ice cream lovers a healthier product. [Assuming of course that the mom did not ingest any alcohol, caffeine, sedatives, anti-depressants, and had a healthy diet, and that she was disease-free, and that she had no self -esteem, no sense of self worth, and was not in her right mind.] The idea got a cool reception Thursday from Ben & Jerry's officials, the company's customers and even La Leche League International, [naturally, because it is, uh, kinda creepy] the world's oldest breast-feeding support organization, which promotes the practice - for babies, anyway.
PETA wrote a letter to company founders Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield on Tuesday, telling them cow's milk is hazardous and that milking them is cruel. [So to save the cows' feelings, you should instead gather up a bunch of nursing Moms, herd them together like cattle, regulate their diets, and attach them to milking machines, all the while depriving their infants of the milk that would otherwise be fed to them. That's a great plan. The cows will feel better and the women involved will in no way feel belittled, dehumanized, depersonalized, insulted, objectified, humiliated, embarrassed or mistreated.] "If Ben and Jerry's replaced the cow's milk in its ice cream with breast milk, your customers - and cows - would reap the benefits, [plus you could corner the market on creepy fetish fat guys] " wrote Tracy Reiman, executive vice president of the animal rights advocacy group. She said dairy products have been linked to juvenile diabetes, allergies and obesity.
Ashley Byrne, a campaign coordinator for PETA, acknowledged the implausibility of substituting breast milk for cow's milk, but said it's no stranger than humans consuming the milk of another species. [BS Translation: Yeah, we know this is a stupid idea, but we're PETA, so stupid ideas are our forte.] "We're aware this idea is somewhat absurd[Somewhat? I don't think that covers it.], and that putting it into practice is a stretch. [You think?] At the time same, it's pretty absurd for us to be drinking the milk of cows [Yeah, that is pretty absurd. It has only been done for centuries, and the cows really seem to bothered by it. Why, just the other day one of the Chick-Fil-A cows said that she was tired of being objectified]," she said. It takes about 12 pounds - or 1 1/2 gallons of milk - to make a gallon of ice cream. Ben & Jerry's, which gets its milk exclusively from Vermont cows, won't say how much milk it uses or how much ice cream it sells.
As a standardized product under federal regulations, ice cream must be made with milk from healthy cows. Ice cream made from goat's milk, for example, would have to be labeled as such.
Presumably, so would mother's milk ice cream.
To Ben & Jerry's, the idea is udderly ridiculous. [Really? Did that just say "udderly"? Reporters should leave the comedy to the comedians.]
"We applaud PETA's novel approach to bringing attention to an issue, but we believe a mother's milk is best used for her child," [BS Translation: These folks are completely crazy but I am not allowed to say that publicly, so I am saying this instead.] spokesman Sean Greenwood said in an e-mail. He didn't respond to requests for an interview. [Who wants to interview him about this? Is this really news? The economy is collapsing, the election is coming closer, the war in Iraq is a constant issue, prices are going up, incomes are going down, houses are being foreclosed upon in record numbers, and this reporter wants to interview Ben and Jerry about the feasibility of Boob Flavored ice cream?]
Leon Berthiaume, general manager of the St. Albans Cooperative Creamery, which provides milk products to Ben & Jerry's, called the dairy products "among the safest in the world."
"Milk from cows has long-term health benefits and has been proven to be safe and healthy and an important part of the American diet for generations," he said. "I'm not ready to make that change." [Plus it's a stupid idea - there's that too.]
Cow's milk and mother's milk aren't interchangeable, according to La Leche spokeswoman Jane Crouse, who says breast milk is a dynamic substance that's different with each woman and each child and might have difficulty being processed into ice cream. [Of course they are not interchangeable. If they were, it would have been done by now.]
Then there's the question of who would provide the milk, and whether they'd be paid. [Is there really that question? How does the inquiry even get that far? Here is how far the inquiry should get...PETA: "Hey, you should make ice cream out of breast milk." ... Ben and Jerry: "BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh wait, you're serious? BWAHAHAHAHAHA."]
"Some women feel compelled to donate milk to a milk bank for adopted babies, or for someone who's ill or unable to breast feed. There's plenty of anecdotal evidence about sisters who nurse each others' babies. There's a population of women very willing to share their milk. Whether there's enough to do it for a commercial entity, who can say?" she said. [No one can say! No one should say!]
At the Ben & Jerry's factory in Waterbury, consumers gave a collective "Ewww" to the idea Thursday.
"It's kind of creepy," said Jeff Waugh, 42, of Dayton, Ohio. [Thank you Mr. Waugh! That's what I said.]
"I think it's a little nutty," said the Rev. Roger Wooton, 83, of Malden, Mass., finishing up a cup of Heath Bar Crunch. [Yes Reverend, it is more than a little nutty.]
"How would they get all that milk?" said his wife, Jane Wooton, 77. [Why are you even thinking about those logistics, Ms. Wooten? You should go back to knitting quilts and baking dessert squares for the Sunday fundraiser.]
Jen Wahlbrink, 34, of Phoenix, who breast-fed her 11-month-old son, Cameron, said she wouldn't touch ice cream made from mother's milk. She remembers her nursing days - and not that fondly.
"The (breast) pumps just weren't that much fun. You really do feel like a cow," she said, cradling her son in her hands. [and feeling like a cow should be reserved for cows. That is why they are cows. If cows were meant to be treated like people, they would be people.]
Friday, September 26, 2008
Fart-a Sera
Charge dropped against man accused of passing gas
CHARLESTON, W.Va. (AP) -- A West Virginia man accused of passing gas and fanning it toward a police officer [What? No dutch oven? No cupping and throwing?] no longer faces a battery charge. [Battery? That is some heavy gas!] The Kanawha County prosecutor's office requested that the charge be dropped against 34-year-old Jose Cruz. [because no one wants to prosecute a case where a fart was the weapon...could you imagine trying to admit that evidence at trial?..."Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, in this jar holds the gas the defendant used to batter the officer. I will open it for you all to smell. Please use extreme caution, as the defendant ate two chili cheese burritos, a 7-11 big bite, and 3 pickled eggs, and drank 8 Budweisers before this gas was expelled.]
According to a criminal complaint, Cruz passed gas and made a fanning motion toward patrolman T.E. Parsons after being taken to the police station for a breathalyzer test. Cruz denies fanning the gas [this SBD crept over there on its own] and says his request to use a restroom when first arriving at the station was denied. [Just goes to show you why you should go to the bathroom BEFORE you leave the house, kids.]
An assistant says Magistrate Jack Pauley signed a motion to dismiss the charge Thursday.
Cruz, who was arrested Tuesday, still faces driving under the influence and other charges. [such as negligent digestion, involuntary nose-slaughter, malicious destruction of nasal hairs, littering, and a violation of the noise ordinance.]
CHARLESTON, W.Va. (AP) -- A West Virginia man accused of passing gas and fanning it toward a police officer [What? No dutch oven? No cupping and throwing?] no longer faces a battery charge. [Battery? That is some heavy gas!] The Kanawha County prosecutor's office requested that the charge be dropped against 34-year-old Jose Cruz. [because no one wants to prosecute a case where a fart was the weapon...could you imagine trying to admit that evidence at trial?..."Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, in this jar holds the gas the defendant used to batter the officer. I will open it for you all to smell. Please use extreme caution, as the defendant ate two chili cheese burritos, a 7-11 big bite, and 3 pickled eggs, and drank 8 Budweisers before this gas was expelled.]
According to a criminal complaint, Cruz passed gas and made a fanning motion toward patrolman T.E. Parsons after being taken to the police station for a breathalyzer test. Cruz denies fanning the gas [this SBD crept over there on its own] and says his request to use a restroom when first arriving at the station was denied. [Just goes to show you why you should go to the bathroom BEFORE you leave the house, kids.]
An assistant says Magistrate Jack Pauley signed a motion to dismiss the charge Thursday.
Cruz, who was arrested Tuesday, still faces driving under the influence and other charges. [such as negligent digestion, involuntary nose-slaughter, malicious destruction of nasal hairs, littering, and a violation of the noise ordinance.]
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Fat Assera
These New Seats in Dallas Is Texas-Sized
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
The Dallas Cowboys are America's team for so many reasons: their consistent excellence as a franchise, their brash, bold style, and most importantly, because they insist on calling themselves "America's team." [And who are we to argue with them, right? Don't mess with Texas!] Being the polite people that we are, Americans are generally too nice to argue with the men, especially when they're waving guns and a-whoopin' and a-hollerin' as cowboys are wont to do. (Americans: smart, as well.)
The Cowboys are also America's team, because they made the seats in their new stadium for fat people. [Walk through any public place in this country and you'll see the truth in that statement!]
All the seats at the new stadium are between 19 and 20½ inches wide[They make everything big in Texas!] compared to the 17- and 18-inch wide seats at Texas Stadium. Mock them if you like [And I do like], but the plain facts are inescapable and weighty: your butt is substantially bigger than the hindparts of your forebears [which might have something to do with the pathetically lazy Big Mac culture we have become], and if you want demonstrable proof, try going to Wrigley Field or to Notre Dame and squeezing yourself into a seat . It's an exercise in embarrassment [and God knows Americans don't exercise much, so they probably don't care] even for the svelte among us, since as a whole Americans at this moment are fatter than we've ever been. [C'mon now. America is only 232 years old. That's young compared to other countries. Maybe it's just baby fat and we'll grow out of it. ] You might as well make your stadium to fit rather than attempting to enforce virtue through architecture. [Heaven forbid we actually shun obesity and laziness.] Now, if we could just bring back the wearing of pants pulled up to your sternum [that is, outside of the engineering department at your local college], we could dispense with this whole notion of "not being horrifically obese" altogether, and head down to our spacious NFL stadiums wearing zoot suits and driving golf carts in lieu of pesky, tiring walking. [They are already doing that at Disney World. It is downright shocking the number of morbidly obese sloths tooling around the Magic Kingdom in electric powered Pork-Mobiles with a 64 oz. Diet Coke in one hand, 3 scoops of ice cream in the other, and 4 pounds of fudge stowed in the carry basket in the front.]
The Cowboys are also America's team, because they made the seats in their new stadium for fat people. [Walk through any public place in this country and you'll see the truth in that statement!]
All the seats at the new stadium are between 19 and 20½ inches wide[They make everything big in Texas!] compared to the 17- and 18-inch wide seats at Texas Stadium. Mock them if you like [And I do like], but the plain facts are inescapable and weighty: your butt is substantially bigger than the hindparts of your forebears [which might have something to do with the pathetically lazy Big Mac culture we have become], and if you want demonstrable proof, try going to Wrigley Field or to Notre Dame and squeezing yourself into a seat . It's an exercise in embarrassment [and God knows Americans don't exercise much, so they probably don't care] even for the svelte among us, since as a whole Americans at this moment are fatter than we've ever been. [C'mon now. America is only 232 years old. That's young compared to other countries. Maybe it's just baby fat and we'll grow out of it. ] You might as well make your stadium to fit rather than attempting to enforce virtue through architecture. [Heaven forbid we actually shun obesity and laziness.] Now, if we could just bring back the wearing of pants pulled up to your sternum [that is, outside of the engineering department at your local college], we could dispense with this whole notion of "not being horrifically obese" altogether, and head down to our spacious NFL stadiums wearing zoot suits and driving golf carts in lieu of pesky, tiring walking. [They are already doing that at Disney World. It is downright shocking the number of morbidly obese sloths tooling around the Magic Kingdom in electric powered Pork-Mobiles with a 64 oz. Diet Coke in one hand, 3 scoops of ice cream in the other, and 4 pounds of fudge stowed in the carry basket in the front.]
Original story and photo taken from the Sporting News:
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Anger Sera
Woman Runs Herself Over In Dispute With Deputies
POSTED: 12:57 pm EDT September 15, 2008
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. -- A 63-year-old woman returned home from an area hospital on Monday, a day after she allegedly tried to run over a sheriff's deputy but ended up running over herself. [Just picture that in your head. That's funny.]
Mary Davis said she was trying to stop deputies from arresting her son when she lost control of the minivan. [Well duh. Everyone knows that the best way to keep your son from being arrested is to try to run over those who are trying to arrest him. ]
"It was just a freak accident," Davis said. [A freak accident? Yeah, if by that you mean an accident involving freakishly stupid people.]
Baker County deputies arrived at Davis' home on Sunday afternoon because of a domestic dispute involving her son and the mother of his children. [Note - not his wife, not his ex-wife, not his fiancee, not even his girlfriend...just the mother of his children - and they say America has lost its family values]
"I said, 'It's wrong that you're taking my son [so I gonna run your @ss over],'" Davis said.
She said that's when she told deputies if they were going to arrest her son, they would have to take her as well. [Also a great strategy for reasoning with the authorities...what did she think would happen?..."If you arrest my son, you have to arrest me too. ... Oh, no. We don't want to arrest you ma'am. What ever shall we do? ... We y'all better git on outta here then. ... Ok, ma'am. Since we don't want to arrest you, I guess we'll have to let your son go. Sorry to have disturbed you."]
"I was angry [Hmmm... Mom is angry about the son being arrested for domestic violence (no doubt anger related) ... The apple does not fall very far from the tree does it?] and I was just trying to get them to not take Clay because he hadn't done anything," Davis said.
According to an incident report, Davis ran inside her house, grabbed her keys and jumped into her minivan. One of the deputies was trying to get her out of the vehicle when Davis put the van in reverse and put her foot on the gas. [I wonder if she blew her Dukes of Hazzard horn first.]
The report states, the corporal had to jump out of the way to avoid being hit by van's door, which was still open. The woman fell out of the van when it slammed into a lawnmower.
The van ran her over, and then rammed into a Baker County Sheriff's Office vehicle.
"I can't explain it. It just happened too fast. [BS Translation: I am a big, giant moron and I did something so incredibly stupid that the English language does not have words that will explain this in such a manner that I may avoid embarrassment.] When you get angry, upset, that's just how fast things can happen before you even know it," Davis said. [BS Translation: I am a big, giant moron and my mind processes information at such a slow rate that even paint drying seems to happen at a break-neck pace.] Davis did not break any bones during the incident. Charges are still pending in the case.
POSTED: 12:57 pm EDT September 15, 2008
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. -- A 63-year-old woman returned home from an area hospital on Monday, a day after she allegedly tried to run over a sheriff's deputy but ended up running over herself. [Just picture that in your head. That's funny.]
Mary Davis said she was trying to stop deputies from arresting her son when she lost control of the minivan. [Well duh. Everyone knows that the best way to keep your son from being arrested is to try to run over those who are trying to arrest him. ]
"It was just a freak accident," Davis said. [A freak accident? Yeah, if by that you mean an accident involving freakishly stupid people.]
Baker County deputies arrived at Davis' home on Sunday afternoon because of a domestic dispute involving her son and the mother of his children. [Note - not his wife, not his ex-wife, not his fiancee, not even his girlfriend...just the mother of his children - and they say America has lost its family values]
"I said, 'It's wrong that you're taking my son [so I gonna run your @ss over],'" Davis said.
She said that's when she told deputies if they were going to arrest her son, they would have to take her as well. [Also a great strategy for reasoning with the authorities...what did she think would happen?..."If you arrest my son, you have to arrest me too. ... Oh, no. We don't want to arrest you ma'am. What ever shall we do? ... We y'all better git on outta here then. ... Ok, ma'am. Since we don't want to arrest you, I guess we'll have to let your son go. Sorry to have disturbed you."]
"I was angry [Hmmm... Mom is angry about the son being arrested for domestic violence (no doubt anger related) ... The apple does not fall very far from the tree does it?] and I was just trying to get them to not take Clay because he hadn't done anything," Davis said.
According to an incident report, Davis ran inside her house, grabbed her keys and jumped into her minivan. One of the deputies was trying to get her out of the vehicle when Davis put the van in reverse and put her foot on the gas. [I wonder if she blew her Dukes of Hazzard horn first.]
The report states, the corporal had to jump out of the way to avoid being hit by van's door, which was still open. The woman fell out of the van when it slammed into a lawnmower.
The van ran her over, and then rammed into a Baker County Sheriff's Office vehicle.
"I can't explain it. It just happened too fast. [BS Translation: I am a big, giant moron and I did something so incredibly stupid that the English language does not have words that will explain this in such a manner that I may avoid embarrassment.] When you get angry, upset, that's just how fast things can happen before you even know it," Davis said. [BS Translation: I am a big, giant moron and my mind processes information at such a slow rate that even paint drying seems to happen at a break-neck pace.] Davis did not break any bones during the incident. Charges are still pending in the case.
Terror Sera
Oakland man gets 2 1/2 years for crank phone threats
(09-15) 16:50 PDT SAN FRANCISCO --
An Oakland man was sentenced today to 2 1/2 years in federal prison for threatening to blow up San Francisco City Hall and the Westfield Shopping Mall.
Devon Craft, 22, pleaded guilty in May to threatening to destroy property by explosives. He admitted that on July 13, 2006, he used a cell phone to place four 911 calls threatening "terrorist attacks" in San Francisco. [Really? In this day and age someone is dumb enough to do this?]
Craft admitted that he tried to disguise his voice by using a "Middle Eastern accent" [Because there is no way someone could see through his brilliantly executed fake accent] in his calls, during which he also threatened to blow up the "San Francisco Tribune" [There is no such paper as the San Francisco Tribune. What a genius!] and said innocent people would die, prosecutors said.
Craft also admitted to making threatening phone calls in June 2006 regarding attacks at the San Mateo and Dumbarton bridges "so that he could get time off work to visit his son at the hospital," prosecutors said. [Boss, can I have off? My son is in the hospital. ... No I am sorry. You can't. ... NO? That makes me very angry. And when I get angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset. And when Mr. Bigglesworth get upset, PEOPLE DIE!] Court records did not indicate how Craft believed the threats would provide him with time off. [Because no person with two brain cells in the same zip code could possibly following the logic of this plan.]
At a hearing today in San Francisco [It's a wonder that this genius did not pull the court's fire alarm to try to get out of his hearing], U.S. District Judge Marilyn Hall Patel ordered Craft to serve 30 months in federal [pound you in the @ss] prison. [where he can learn to be a proper criminal] The sentence will be on top of state-prison terms he is now serving for unrelated theft and robbery [He has a record? Shocking. ]in cases from Alameda County.
Authorities said Craft was sentenced to more than two years in state prison for store parking lot robberies in November 2006 in Alameda County. Craft grabbed women's backpacks, purses and handbags in the robberies, authorities said. [Wait a second here. This guy got 2 years for purse snatching, but only got 2 1/2 years for threatening to commit terrorist acts against 6 different targets on two separate days? Anyone else see the disparity there?]
(09-15) 16:50 PDT SAN FRANCISCO --
An Oakland man was sentenced today to 2 1/2 years in federal prison for threatening to blow up San Francisco City Hall and the Westfield Shopping Mall.
Devon Craft, 22, pleaded guilty in May to threatening to destroy property by explosives. He admitted that on July 13, 2006, he used a cell phone to place four 911 calls threatening "terrorist attacks" in San Francisco. [Really? In this day and age someone is dumb enough to do this?]
Craft admitted that he tried to disguise his voice by using a "Middle Eastern accent" [Because there is no way someone could see through his brilliantly executed fake accent] in his calls, during which he also threatened to blow up the "San Francisco Tribune" [There is no such paper as the San Francisco Tribune. What a genius!] and said innocent people would die, prosecutors said.
Craft also admitted to making threatening phone calls in June 2006 regarding attacks at the San Mateo and Dumbarton bridges "so that he could get time off work to visit his son at the hospital," prosecutors said. [Boss, can I have off? My son is in the hospital. ... No I am sorry. You can't. ... NO? That makes me very angry. And when I get angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset. And when Mr. Bigglesworth get upset, PEOPLE DIE!] Court records did not indicate how Craft believed the threats would provide him with time off. [Because no person with two brain cells in the same zip code could possibly following the logic of this plan.]
At a hearing today in San Francisco [It's a wonder that this genius did not pull the court's fire alarm to try to get out of his hearing], U.S. District Judge Marilyn Hall Patel ordered Craft to serve 30 months in federal [pound you in the @ss] prison. [where he can learn to be a proper criminal] The sentence will be on top of state-prison terms he is now serving for unrelated theft and robbery [He has a record? Shocking. ]in cases from Alameda County.
Authorities said Craft was sentenced to more than two years in state prison for store parking lot robberies in November 2006 in Alameda County. Craft grabbed women's backpacks, purses and handbags in the robberies, authorities said. [Wait a second here. This guy got 2 years for purse snatching, but only got 2 1/2 years for threatening to commit terrorist acts against 6 different targets on two separate days? Anyone else see the disparity there?]
Pepe Le Sera
Woman mistakes skunk for a cat, gets sprayed
Mon Sep 15, 9:05 PM ET
MOUNT CARMEL, Pa. - A Pennsylvania woman who thought she was petting a neighbor's cat [Smelly cat, smelly cat. What are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat. It's not your fault.]got a smelly surprise when it turned out to be a skunk. [Yoo-the-hoo mi amour. I am seeking and you are finding, my precious dove! ] Not only did the skunk spray the woman before dawn [It's always smelliest before the dawn.] Monday, but it ran into her Mount Carmel home. [followed by a gray rabbit, a black duck, a lisping cat, a little yellow bird, a coyote, a roadrunner, a very fast mouse, a tazmanian devil, a little bald guy with a speech impediment, a cowboy with a big red moustache, a giant red hairy monster, a singing frog and finally a stuttering pig.]
Police spent hours at the home before leaving the scene [wearing hazmat suits and gas masks], but there was no immediate word if they were able to remove the animal. [When police were asked to comment, their reply was simply "Th-Th-Th-That's all folks!"
Mon Sep 15, 9:05 PM ET
MOUNT CARMEL, Pa. - A Pennsylvania woman who thought she was petting a neighbor's cat [Smelly cat, smelly cat. What are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat. It's not your fault.]got a smelly surprise when it turned out to be a skunk. [Yoo-the-hoo mi amour. I am seeking and you are finding, my precious dove! ] Not only did the skunk spray the woman before dawn [It's always smelliest before the dawn.] Monday, but it ran into her Mount Carmel home. [followed by a gray rabbit, a black duck, a lisping cat, a little yellow bird, a coyote, a roadrunner, a very fast mouse, a tazmanian devil, a little bald guy with a speech impediment, a cowboy with a big red moustache, a giant red hairy monster, a singing frog and finally a stuttering pig.]
Police spent hours at the home before leaving the scene [wearing hazmat suits and gas masks], but there was no immediate word if they were able to remove the animal. [When police were asked to comment, their reply was simply "Th-Th-Th-That's all folks!"
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Greasy Sera
Lewd vandal leaves greasy imprints on Neb. town
VALENTINE, Neb. - Boy, how people here wish their busiest vandal would find another way to make his mark. Some man has been skipping from one business to another in the dark of night, pressing his naked behind — sometimes his groin, sometimes both [Both? At the same time? I don't care who you are...that's impressive.]— on windows.
It's easy to tell. [Wait for it....]
Store owners, church workers and school janitors have had to wash lotion and petroleum jelly off the windows he selects. [...And there it is. And all together now... EWWWWWWW!]
"This is the weirdest case I've ever seen," said Police Chief Ben McBride. [THIS is the weirdest? Not the crop circles, or the alien abductions, or intercourse with farm animals?] A wad of chew in his mouth [of course], he didn't crack a smile as he talked about the case.
"It's not funny," [Indeed it is not funny. It's scary...scary that in a town of only 2,650 people, you don't know who might be doing this. Nice police work Barney Fife.] he said. "We're worried about the next step." [The next step being your having to get off your fat ass and do some actual police work.]
Will he move up and commit a more serious crime? [like using his money-maker to draw moustaches on all of the portraits in City Hall]
Valentine, a town of about 2,650 people, uses its name as a promotional tool, calling itself "The Heart City." [Or in this case, the Hard City, or maybe the Fart City, really I could do this all day] Downtown sidewalks are painted with hearts [which, as irony would have it, look like a giant red asses if you are walking the other way on the sidewalk], and locals encourage people from around the country to send their Valentine's Day cards to the local post office so they can be mailed out with the word "Valentine" stamped on them. [Flowers? Hrmph. Candy? Hah. Jewelry? Don't bother. What she really wants is a card, with the word "Valentine" stamped on it. How romantic is that! Nice job Rico Suave.]
Near the scenic Niobrara [which is a Santee Indian word meaning "water to keep the stupid people from dying"] River in remote north-central Nebraska, Valentine was named one of the top "wilderness" towns [BS Translation: hick town] in the country last year by National Geographic Adventure magazine.
Locals find some humor in the strange brand of graffiti [Looky there Myrtle. That looks like a smeared BE-hind. Huhuh. That's funny.] and have taken to calling the vandal the "Butt Bandit." [Which is exactly the way to get rid of an attention seeking vandal - give him a cute nickname!]
But they also can't help but cringe when finding his marks. [I gotta believe it is the same feeling as when you realize you stepped in dog crap.]
"We were completely grossed out," Kalli Kieborz said. She works in a downtown building. [BS Translation ... She works in THE downtown building.]
"One day I walked into the office and an employee said, 'Oh, my God, we've been struck!' she said."
Said Kieborz: "You could, like, see the whole package [if you squinted real hard, held your breath, got your face real close and looked at it at the right angle]."
It all started in spring 2007 [So this master criminal has been at large for nearly 18 months and Andy, Barney and the fellas can't nab him? Maybe they should question Floyd the Barber. He always seemed a little shifty to me]. The window of a Methodist church was greased with an imprint. [Thou shalt not bare false tukas.]
Chief McBride figured it was a high school prank. But the church kept getting hit, even after police staked it out. [Just picture that in your head. That is really its own joke.]
The bandit struck business after business, window after window last summer. [No wonder. Summer is hot and humid. His nether-regions no doubt got sweaty. How else is he supposed to get comfortable?]
Then he — and maybe, McBride said, copycat vandals [or even a gang...When you're a Butt, you're a Butt all the way. From your first living breath to your last dying day...]— stopped over the fall and winter. [Well, they didn't stop. It's just that the long underwear kinda ruins the effect. Plus those trap door buttons are hard to undo when you have gloves on.]
"People said he was done," McBride said. "Then he started back up this summer."
During one particularly brazen session, virtually all the windows at a local hotel were imprinted. [I am no artist, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.]
Late last month, Dana Anderson was alerted by a fellow employee at Valentine Midland News & Printing that their downtown building had a dirty window.
"It was very visible," Anderson said. "We used a long-handled squeegee to clean it off."
McBride said no one has reported seeing the vandal in action. [Maybe it's that sneaky, creepy Burger King guy.] The only clue is a blurry picture of him caught by a surveillance camera at the middle school last year.
The man was somewhere between 6 foot and 6 foot 3 and was slender. He had a dark complexion, and McBride said the man's dark hair was styled in a "1980s, feathered look." [So that is where Scott Baio has been all these years!]
Like the chief, Cherry County [Hold on. The City of Valentine is in Cherry County? OK. Just checking.] Attorney Eric Scott didn't find any humor in the vandalism.
"It's a malicious act [Malicious? Where is the malice? ... "I hate you, window. Take that you mean old window. I slap you with my penis, you bad, mean window. Smell my butt. Yes smell it! HA! That will teach you to glare at me!] that will be prosecuted once the person is apprehended," Scott said.
"This is not normal behavior for Valentine. [This guy should be tippin' cows, or shootin' stop signs, or doin' donuts in the corn fields like decent people do.] It's not funny or something people want to be exposed to."
VALENTINE, Neb. - Boy, how people here wish their busiest vandal would find another way to make his mark. Some man has been skipping from one business to another in the dark of night, pressing his naked behind — sometimes his groin, sometimes both [Both? At the same time? I don't care who you are...that's impressive.]— on windows.
It's easy to tell. [Wait for it....]
Store owners, church workers and school janitors have had to wash lotion and petroleum jelly off the windows he selects. [...And there it is. And all together now... EWWWWWWW!]
"This is the weirdest case I've ever seen," said Police Chief Ben McBride. [THIS is the weirdest? Not the crop circles, or the alien abductions, or intercourse with farm animals?] A wad of chew in his mouth [of course], he didn't crack a smile as he talked about the case.
"It's not funny," [Indeed it is not funny. It's scary...scary that in a town of only 2,650 people, you don't know who might be doing this. Nice police work Barney Fife.] he said. "We're worried about the next step." [The next step being your having to get off your fat ass and do some actual police work.]
Will he move up and commit a more serious crime? [like using his money-maker to draw moustaches on all of the portraits in City Hall]
Valentine, a town of about 2,650 people, uses its name as a promotional tool, calling itself "The Heart City." [Or in this case, the Hard City, or maybe the Fart City, really I could do this all day] Downtown sidewalks are painted with hearts [which, as irony would have it, look like a giant red asses if you are walking the other way on the sidewalk], and locals encourage people from around the country to send their Valentine's Day cards to the local post office so they can be mailed out with the word "Valentine" stamped on them. [Flowers? Hrmph. Candy? Hah. Jewelry? Don't bother. What she really wants is a card, with the word "Valentine" stamped on it. How romantic is that! Nice job Rico Suave.]
Near the scenic Niobrara [which is a Santee Indian word meaning "water to keep the stupid people from dying"] River in remote north-central Nebraska, Valentine was named one of the top "wilderness" towns [BS Translation: hick town] in the country last year by National Geographic Adventure magazine.
Locals find some humor in the strange brand of graffiti [Looky there Myrtle. That looks like a smeared BE-hind. Huhuh. That's funny.] and have taken to calling the vandal the "Butt Bandit." [Which is exactly the way to get rid of an attention seeking vandal - give him a cute nickname!]
But they also can't help but cringe when finding his marks. [I gotta believe it is the same feeling as when you realize you stepped in dog crap.]
"We were completely grossed out," Kalli Kieborz said. She works in a downtown building. [BS Translation ... She works in THE downtown building.]
"One day I walked into the office and an employee said, 'Oh, my God, we've been struck!' she said."
Said Kieborz: "You could, like, see the whole package [if you squinted real hard, held your breath, got your face real close and looked at it at the right angle]."
It all started in spring 2007 [So this master criminal has been at large for nearly 18 months and Andy, Barney and the fellas can't nab him? Maybe they should question Floyd the Barber. He always seemed a little shifty to me]. The window of a Methodist church was greased with an imprint. [Thou shalt not bare false tukas.]
Chief McBride figured it was a high school prank. But the church kept getting hit, even after police staked it out. [Just picture that in your head. That is really its own joke.]
The bandit struck business after business, window after window last summer. [No wonder. Summer is hot and humid. His nether-regions no doubt got sweaty. How else is he supposed to get comfortable?]
Then he — and maybe, McBride said, copycat vandals [or even a gang...When you're a Butt, you're a Butt all the way. From your first living breath to your last dying day...]— stopped over the fall and winter. [Well, they didn't stop. It's just that the long underwear kinda ruins the effect. Plus those trap door buttons are hard to undo when you have gloves on.]
"People said he was done," McBride said. "Then he started back up this summer."
During one particularly brazen session, virtually all the windows at a local hotel were imprinted. [I am no artist, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.]
Late last month, Dana Anderson was alerted by a fellow employee at Valentine Midland News & Printing that their downtown building had a dirty window.
"It was very visible," Anderson said. "We used a long-handled squeegee to clean it off."
McBride said no one has reported seeing the vandal in action. [Maybe it's that sneaky, creepy Burger King guy.] The only clue is a blurry picture of him caught by a surveillance camera at the middle school last year.
The man was somewhere between 6 foot and 6 foot 3 and was slender. He had a dark complexion, and McBride said the man's dark hair was styled in a "1980s, feathered look." [So that is where Scott Baio has been all these years!]
Like the chief, Cherry County [Hold on. The City of Valentine is in Cherry County? OK. Just checking.] Attorney Eric Scott didn't find any humor in the vandalism.
"It's a malicious act [Malicious? Where is the malice? ... "I hate you, window. Take that you mean old window. I slap you with my penis, you bad, mean window. Smell my butt. Yes smell it! HA! That will teach you to glare at me!] that will be prosecuted once the person is apprehended," Scott said.
"This is not normal behavior for Valentine. [This guy should be tippin' cows, or shootin' stop signs, or doin' donuts in the corn fields like decent people do.] It's not funny or something people want to be exposed to."
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Spilla Sera
Police: Man blames bad driving on spilled beer
Tue Sep 9, 6:22 PM ET
ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. - A man with four previous drunken driving convictions who was stopped for weaving in and out of traffic on Interstate 40 was ready with an excuse for his poor driving: his passenger spilled his beer. [Party Foul! Everyone drink!]
Not surprisingly, the man was arrested just before midnight Saturday, said state police officer Kurtis Ward, who said he initially thought the driver was joking. [Of course he did...because no one could possibly be that stupid, could they?]
"He was so matter of fact about it, like it wasn't a big deal," Ward said. ["Sir, do you know why I stopped you? ... I have a pretty good idea. ...Ok. Tell me why I stopped you. ... Well officer, you stopped me because Mr. Butterfingers here could not keep his grimy tentacles around that Budweiser, and spilled it on my crotch."]
The 31-year-old man was allegedly too drunk to perform field sobriety tests ["Ok, sir. I want you to stand up straight and look at the tip of my pen. ... Wow, that's a neat pen. Is that one of those astronaut pens? They can write upside down y'know. ... Sir, please. Follow the tip of the pen with your eyes. ... Have you been in space? You look like you could be in space. ... Sir, I am going to need you to cooperate and follow the pen please. ... I always wanted to go to space. That would be cool. VVVRRROOOOMMM through space in a rocket. That would be awesome! Do those rockets have cup holders? I would need someplace to put my beer. ... Sir, you have the right to remain silent ..."] and was arrested on aggravated drunken driving charges, court records said. Ward found four opened bottles of beer in the car, court records showed. ["Uh no officer. We did not drink those. That was my recycling."] It was the man's sixth DWI arrest. He had been found guilty of four of five previous drunken driving charges [At the last one the judge suggested he quit drinking, to which he replied, "I would, your honor, but I am no quitter."] and has paid $1,750 in fines, the DWI Resource Center said.
Tue Sep 9, 6:22 PM ET
ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. - A man with four previous drunken driving convictions who was stopped for weaving in and out of traffic on Interstate 40 was ready with an excuse for his poor driving: his passenger spilled his beer. [Party Foul! Everyone drink!]
Not surprisingly, the man was arrested just before midnight Saturday, said state police officer Kurtis Ward, who said he initially thought the driver was joking. [Of course he did...because no one could possibly be that stupid, could they?]
"He was so matter of fact about it, like it wasn't a big deal," Ward said. ["Sir, do you know why I stopped you? ... I have a pretty good idea. ...Ok. Tell me why I stopped you. ... Well officer, you stopped me because Mr. Butterfingers here could not keep his grimy tentacles around that Budweiser, and spilled it on my crotch."]
The 31-year-old man was allegedly too drunk to perform field sobriety tests ["Ok, sir. I want you to stand up straight and look at the tip of my pen. ... Wow, that's a neat pen. Is that one of those astronaut pens? They can write upside down y'know. ... Sir, please. Follow the tip of the pen with your eyes. ... Have you been in space? You look like you could be in space. ... Sir, I am going to need you to cooperate and follow the pen please. ... I always wanted to go to space. That would be cool. VVVRRROOOOMMM through space in a rocket. That would be awesome! Do those rockets have cup holders? I would need someplace to put my beer. ... Sir, you have the right to remain silent ..."] and was arrested on aggravated drunken driving charges, court records said. Ward found four opened bottles of beer in the car, court records showed. ["Uh no officer. We did not drink those. That was my recycling."] It was the man's sixth DWI arrest. He had been found guilty of four of five previous drunken driving charges [At the last one the judge suggested he quit drinking, to which he replied, "I would, your honor, but I am no quitter."] and has paid $1,750 in fines, the DWI Resource Center said.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Bic-a-Sera
Man arrested after ballpoint pen stabbing
By Ben Winslow Deseret News
Published: Tuesday, Sept. 9, 2008 9:20 a.m. MDT
Cedar City police have arrested a wheelchair-bound man they say stabbed his brother-in-law in the face with a ballpoint pen as they were going to church. [Ok. Wait. There is too much humor in that one sentence. I am going into Buona Sera overload. Read it again. First, there is a convict who is complaining about how someone else raised HIS kids while HE was in JAIL not raising them because he is a criminal. Next we hear that it was his brother-in-law, a family member, who he presumably asked for help with this. Next we hear that he was so upset, he stabbed his family member over it - a good parental example to set. Then we hear that the weapon was a ballpoint pen - nice job MacGyver. Then we hear that the brother-in-law, presumably able bodied, got stabbed by someone in a wheel chair - couldn't he have just walked away? Then we hear he got stabbed in the face - not the leg, not the abdomen, or anywhere else low enough for someone in a wheel chair to reach, but in the face. Then we hear that all of this happened on the way to church - Thou shalt not shank thy brother-in-law. Really folks. I can't make this stuff up.]
Police said it happened Sunday morning outside the True Life Center church at 2111 N. Main. Jesus Javier Ortega [Yes, you read that right. Jesus...stabbed a guy...on the way to church. Really. I told you. I can't make this up.], 30, had been arguing off and on throughout the day with his brother-in-law, said Cedar City Police Sgt. Jerry Womack.
"The suspect had been in prison and the victim has been helping to raise his children. There was some dispute over the way the victim was raising his children, " Womack said Tuesday. [Apparently the brother-in-law was not teaching the children the proper life lessons, like how to turn a toothbrush into a weapon so you can shank the biggest muhfuhka in the joint and get your props in the yard.] Ortega, who is in a wheelchair, was being helped out of the car in the church parking lot when the victim was stabbed with the pen. "He was stabbed several times in the face," Womack said. [See kids. This is why we don't run with pens in our hands. Pens are dangerous. You could slip and accidentally stab someone in the face multiple times while they are trying to help you get out of a car.]
The victim was taken to the hospital where he was treated for punctures near his left ear, lip and right cheek. He received more than a dozen stitches and was later released. [When police questioned Ortega about the incident, he said, "I wasn't trying to stab him. I thought he was asking for my autograph."] Ortega was booked into the Iron County Jail on investigation of second-degree felony aggravated assault, where he remains in lieu of $20,000 bail. [And since it looks like he is going back to the hoosegow for a while, we can guess where the kids are going to stay. Don't you love the irony!]
By Ben Winslow Deseret News
Published: Tuesday, Sept. 9, 2008 9:20 a.m. MDT
Cedar City police have arrested a wheelchair-bound man they say stabbed his brother-in-law in the face with a ballpoint pen as they were going to church. [Ok. Wait. There is too much humor in that one sentence. I am going into Buona Sera overload. Read it again. First, there is a convict who is complaining about how someone else raised HIS kids while HE was in JAIL not raising them because he is a criminal. Next we hear that it was his brother-in-law, a family member, who he presumably asked for help with this. Next we hear that he was so upset, he stabbed his family member over it - a good parental example to set. Then we hear that the weapon was a ballpoint pen - nice job MacGyver. Then we hear that the brother-in-law, presumably able bodied, got stabbed by someone in a wheel chair - couldn't he have just walked away? Then we hear he got stabbed in the face - not the leg, not the abdomen, or anywhere else low enough for someone in a wheel chair to reach, but in the face. Then we hear that all of this happened on the way to church - Thou shalt not shank thy brother-in-law. Really folks. I can't make this stuff up.]
Police said it happened Sunday morning outside the True Life Center church at 2111 N. Main. Jesus Javier Ortega [Yes, you read that right. Jesus...stabbed a guy...on the way to church. Really. I told you. I can't make this up.], 30, had been arguing off and on throughout the day with his brother-in-law, said Cedar City Police Sgt. Jerry Womack.
"The suspect had been in prison and the victim has been helping to raise his children. There was some dispute over the way the victim was raising his children, " Womack said Tuesday. [Apparently the brother-in-law was not teaching the children the proper life lessons, like how to turn a toothbrush into a weapon so you can shank the biggest muhfuhka in the joint and get your props in the yard.] Ortega, who is in a wheelchair, was being helped out of the car in the church parking lot when the victim was stabbed with the pen. "He was stabbed several times in the face," Womack said. [See kids. This is why we don't run with pens in our hands. Pens are dangerous. You could slip and accidentally stab someone in the face multiple times while they are trying to help you get out of a car.]
The victim was taken to the hospital where he was treated for punctures near his left ear, lip and right cheek. He received more than a dozen stitches and was later released. [When police questioned Ortega about the incident, he said, "I wasn't trying to stab him. I thought he was asking for my autograph."] Ortega was booked into the Iron County Jail on investigation of second-degree felony aggravated assault, where he remains in lieu of $20,000 bail. [And since it looks like he is going back to the hoosegow for a while, we can guess where the kids are going to stay. Don't you love the irony!]
Daddy Sera
Dad accused of leaving son while fleeing police
Mon Sep 8, 7:19 PM ET
MEMPHIS, Tenn. - A Memphis man is accused of leaving his 3-year-old son behind [blood is thicker than water, but apparently not thicker than alcohol - read on] while running from police on foot after a traffic accident. [Fleeing on foot is always a good way to handle a traffic accident, because if you are not there, they can never prove it was you...well, except for the license plate registered to you, and the registration card under your name, and your kid in the car. But other than those things they can never trace it back to you.] A 46-year-old man was charged with driving under the influence [Surprise!] and child endangerment ["Endangerment? What danger? He was inside the car wasn't he? It's not like he was on the roof or something!"] after a minor traffic accident Sunday night.
A police affidavit says the man tried to run from the scene but was chased down and held for authorities by two witnesses to the accident. [Nice work Green Hornet and Kato!]
The man was accused of leaving his son, who was not properly restrained ["Not properly restrained? I duct taped him to the front seat. You can't get a better restraint than that!"], sitting on the front seat of his car. [The kid was cited for driving without a license since his Dad made him drive because the Dad was too plowed.] Police said the boy's mother came and picked him up. [And to make sure he was safely transported, she fastened him to the floor of the trunk.]
No serious injuries were reported. [Well no serious injuries except the injury to the child's sense of stability and well being, and the injury to the neighborhood's sense of safety, and the injury to our collective intelligence and the very fabric of an intelligent society...except for those.]
Mon Sep 8, 7:19 PM ET
MEMPHIS, Tenn. - A Memphis man is accused of leaving his 3-year-old son behind [blood is thicker than water, but apparently not thicker than alcohol - read on] while running from police on foot after a traffic accident. [Fleeing on foot is always a good way to handle a traffic accident, because if you are not there, they can never prove it was you...well, except for the license plate registered to you, and the registration card under your name, and your kid in the car. But other than those things they can never trace it back to you.] A 46-year-old man was charged with driving under the influence [Surprise!] and child endangerment ["Endangerment? What danger? He was inside the car wasn't he? It's not like he was on the roof or something!"] after a minor traffic accident Sunday night.
A police affidavit says the man tried to run from the scene but was chased down and held for authorities by two witnesses to the accident. [Nice work Green Hornet and Kato!]
The man was accused of leaving his son, who was not properly restrained ["Not properly restrained? I duct taped him to the front seat. You can't get a better restraint than that!"], sitting on the front seat of his car. [The kid was cited for driving without a license since his Dad made him drive because the Dad was too plowed.] Police said the boy's mother came and picked him up. [And to make sure he was safely transported, she fastened him to the floor of the trunk.]
No serious injuries were reported. [Well no serious injuries except the injury to the child's sense of stability and well being, and the injury to the neighborhood's sense of safety, and the injury to our collective intelligence and the very fabric of an intelligent society...except for those.]
Spicy Sera
Authorities: Burglar wakes men with spice rub
Mon Sep 8, 4:44 PM ET
FRESNO, Calif. - Authorities say they've arrested a man who broke into the home of two California farmworkers, stole money, rubbed one with spices [Let's kick this burglary up an notch! BAM!] and whacked the other with a sausage before fleeing. [For all of our sakes, let's hope that "spices" and "sausage" are not euphemisms.]
Fresno County sheriff's Lt. Ian Burrimond says 22-year-old Antonio Vasquez was found hiding in a field [Spectacular hiding place - a wide open flat area!] wearing only a T-shirt, boxers and socks after the Saturday morning attack. [But apparently this Homer Simpson disguise was not good enough to foil the top-shelf investigative skills of the Fresno County sheriff's department.]
He says deputies arrested Vasquez after finding a wallet containing his ID in the ransacked house. [His wallet was the one that said "Dumb Motherf*cker" on it.] The farmworkers told deputies the suspect woke them Saturday morning by rubbing spices on one of them [Because nothing says heist like a good victim dry rub, use McCormick's New Spicy Burglary Rub! It will make your victim tender and juicy, with a west coast zing!] and smacking the other with an 8-inch sausage. [The first victim suffered from 3rd degree marinations, while the second victim suffered from embarassment at getting pummelled by an encased pork product.]
Burrimond says money allegedly stolen was recovered [and used to purchase charcoal and lighter fluid, and they all had a great big barbecue].
___
Mon Sep 8, 4:44 PM ET
FRESNO, Calif. - Authorities say they've arrested a man who broke into the home of two California farmworkers, stole money, rubbed one with spices [Let's kick this burglary up an notch! BAM!] and whacked the other with a sausage before fleeing. [For all of our sakes, let's hope that "spices" and "sausage" are not euphemisms.]
Fresno County sheriff's Lt. Ian Burrimond says 22-year-old Antonio Vasquez was found hiding in a field [Spectacular hiding place - a wide open flat area!] wearing only a T-shirt, boxers and socks after the Saturday morning attack. [But apparently this Homer Simpson disguise was not good enough to foil the top-shelf investigative skills of the Fresno County sheriff's department.]
He says deputies arrested Vasquez after finding a wallet containing his ID in the ransacked house. [His wallet was the one that said "Dumb Motherf*cker" on it.] The farmworkers told deputies the suspect woke them Saturday morning by rubbing spices on one of them [Because nothing says heist like a good victim dry rub, use McCormick's New Spicy Burglary Rub! It will make your victim tender and juicy, with a west coast zing!] and smacking the other with an 8-inch sausage. [The first victim suffered from 3rd degree marinations, while the second victim suffered from embarassment at getting pummelled by an encased pork product.]
Burrimond says money allegedly stolen was recovered [and used to purchase charcoal and lighter fluid, and they all had a great big barbecue].
___
Monday, September 8, 2008
Sera-On-A-Plane
JetBlue flight diverted after fight breaks out
UPDATED: 10:54 PM EDT September 06, 2008
(CNN)
A JetBlue flight from Boston, Massachusetts, to Fort Lauderdale, Florida, was diverted Saturday when a fight broke out after someone was smoking in the bathroom, federal officials said. One passenger aboard JetBlue Flight 455 was taken into custody at Raleigh-Durham International Airport in North Carolina after the plane landed about 5:45 p.m. [The remaining passengers fled the plane in an attempt to get into the smoking lounge with enough time to burn a heater or two before having to get back into that air-tight, flying death-tube.] A federal Transportation Security Administration spokeswoman said one person was injured in the face by what may have been a punch. [Or it may have been the way it looked from birth. It's hard to tell.] She said the fight involved three people who are thought to be related. [by blood, marriage or likely both] According to the airline, there were 88 people and four crew members aboard the jet. [One of whom may have been Samuel L. Jackson, who was heard to say, "I am tired of the muthaf***ing smokes on this muthaf***ing plane." ] The flight had been scheduled to leave Boston at 1 p.m. but did not take off until 3:11 p.m. [which the airline listed as an on-time departure for statistical purposes since the plane actually left the same day it was scheduled to leave], spokeswoman Alison Eshelman said. Eyewitnesses said the scuffle was between two brothers [So the TSA spokesperson said there were 3 related people involved, and the eyewitnesses said that it was between two brothers. That is some keen investigation by the TSA.], one of whom was angry that his brother had smoked on a plane. [The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish smokers and the tyranny of evil smoking men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and fresh air, shepherds the weak addicts through the valley of tobacco, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those smokers who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.] One passenger interviewed by CNN affiliate WFOR said the fight left one of the men bloody. [but he had a great nicotine buzz, so that was worth it] "I saw the guy holding his head with the blood coming out," [It was unclear if that head was still attached to his shoulders] Mike Rocha said. The jet was held at the North Carolina airport for about two hours while FBI investigators interviewed passengers. [Excuse me sir, but we'd like to talk to you about what happened. ...Ok, what's up? ... Can we see your ID? ... It's in my wallet. ... Well, which wallet is yours, sir? ... It's the one that says Bad Motherf*cker on it.]
UPDATED: 10:54 PM EDT September 06, 2008
(CNN)
A JetBlue flight from Boston, Massachusetts, to Fort Lauderdale, Florida, was diverted Saturday when a fight broke out after someone was smoking in the bathroom, federal officials said. One passenger aboard JetBlue Flight 455 was taken into custody at Raleigh-Durham International Airport in North Carolina after the plane landed about 5:45 p.m. [The remaining passengers fled the plane in an attempt to get into the smoking lounge with enough time to burn a heater or two before having to get back into that air-tight, flying death-tube.] A federal Transportation Security Administration spokeswoman said one person was injured in the face by what may have been a punch. [Or it may have been the way it looked from birth. It's hard to tell.] She said the fight involved three people who are thought to be related. [by blood, marriage or likely both] According to the airline, there were 88 people and four crew members aboard the jet. [One of whom may have been Samuel L. Jackson, who was heard to say, "I am tired of the muthaf***ing smokes on this muthaf***ing plane." ] The flight had been scheduled to leave Boston at 1 p.m. but did not take off until 3:11 p.m. [which the airline listed as an on-time departure for statistical purposes since the plane actually left the same day it was scheduled to leave], spokeswoman Alison Eshelman said. Eyewitnesses said the scuffle was between two brothers [So the TSA spokesperson said there were 3 related people involved, and the eyewitnesses said that it was between two brothers. That is some keen investigation by the TSA.], one of whom was angry that his brother had smoked on a plane. [The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish smokers and the tyranny of evil smoking men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and fresh air, shepherds the weak addicts through the valley of tobacco, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those smokers who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.] One passenger interviewed by CNN affiliate WFOR said the fight left one of the men bloody. [but he had a great nicotine buzz, so that was worth it] "I saw the guy holding his head with the blood coming out," [It was unclear if that head was still attached to his shoulders] Mike Rocha said. The jet was held at the North Carolina airport for about two hours while FBI investigators interviewed passengers. [Excuse me sir, but we'd like to talk to you about what happened. ...Ok, what's up? ... Can we see your ID? ... It's in my wallet. ... Well, which wallet is yours, sir? ... It's the one that says Bad Motherf*cker on it.]
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Visa Sera
Alleged credit card thief signs name on receipts
Wed Sep 3, 9:24 PM ET
IOWA CITY, Iowa - Iowa City police say they didn't have much trouble finding a man accused of using a stolen credit card — he signed his own name to the receipts. [Holy Credit Card Theft Batman! How can we ever nab this nefarious ne'er-do-well? ... Patience, Robin. I put the credit card receipts into the Batcomputer and learned that the man who signed the receipts was not the same person as the man whose name is on the card. ... Holy megabites Batman! That's amazing! Thank goodness for the Batcomputer or we might never have solved this one!] Police said the man used the stolen credit card to buy a latte at a coffee house [Who can blame him? Have you seen how much a venti latte costs at Starbucks?] and to buy cigarettes at a tobacco store [Kool Methol? I don't think so. Kent Ultra Lights? Not today. Then what'll ya have? Gimme the good stuff - Marlboro reds, my man.]. Police said the credit card was reported stolen from an unlocked apartment last month. [After which Lex Luthor took the subsequent 30 days to plan his intricately wicked 4 store crime spree. With this stolen credit card he would wreak havoc on Iowa City and bring this financial megalopolis to its knees! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!] They said the man also tried to use it at another store [Had to be a liquor store, don't you think?], but the card was declined because it came up as stolen.[I'm sorry sir but this card was denied. ... What? Denied? ... Yes sir. It says here that the card is stolen. ... Stolen? How can that be? I have the card right here. So if the card is here, how can it be stolen? ... Ah. I see, sir. Good point. You must be right. So there is no need to call the police. But you should straighten that out with your credit card company. And while you are at it you should get them to correct your name, because they put someone else's name on the card.] He also used the card at a local deli. [$8 for a turkey sandwich! Can you believe that? Who carries that kind of cash around? I'm gonna have to charge this one.] He has been charged with four counts of unauthorized use of a credit card.
Wed Sep 3, 9:24 PM ET
IOWA CITY, Iowa - Iowa City police say they didn't have much trouble finding a man accused of using a stolen credit card — he signed his own name to the receipts. [Holy Credit Card Theft Batman! How can we ever nab this nefarious ne'er-do-well? ... Patience, Robin. I put the credit card receipts into the Batcomputer and learned that the man who signed the receipts was not the same person as the man whose name is on the card. ... Holy megabites Batman! That's amazing! Thank goodness for the Batcomputer or we might never have solved this one!] Police said the man used the stolen credit card to buy a latte at a coffee house [Who can blame him? Have you seen how much a venti latte costs at Starbucks?] and to buy cigarettes at a tobacco store [Kool Methol? I don't think so. Kent Ultra Lights? Not today. Then what'll ya have? Gimme the good stuff - Marlboro reds, my man.]. Police said the credit card was reported stolen from an unlocked apartment last month. [After which Lex Luthor took the subsequent 30 days to plan his intricately wicked 4 store crime spree. With this stolen credit card he would wreak havoc on Iowa City and bring this financial megalopolis to its knees! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!] They said the man also tried to use it at another store [Had to be a liquor store, don't you think?], but the card was declined because it came up as stolen.[I'm sorry sir but this card was denied. ... What? Denied? ... Yes sir. It says here that the card is stolen. ... Stolen? How can that be? I have the card right here. So if the card is here, how can it be stolen? ... Ah. I see, sir. Good point. You must be right. So there is no need to call the police. But you should straighten that out with your credit card company. And while you are at it you should get them to correct your name, because they put someone else's name on the card.] He also used the card at a local deli. [$8 for a turkey sandwich! Can you believe that? Who carries that kind of cash around? I'm gonna have to charge this one.] He has been charged with four counts of unauthorized use of a credit card.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Hoagie Sera
Iowa man accused of offering bribe with sandwich
Tue Sep 2, 8:26 PM ET
IOWA CITY, Iowa - Iowa City police said a man who was driving drunk tried to bribe a police officer — with a sandwich. [Apparently he was all out of donuts.] Police said a 25-year-old man was charged with drunken driving early Sunday morning after an officer saw him driving with his headlights off and pulled him over. [The driver was stunned that the officer even saw him because he thought he was in "stealth mode." At least that was what the sales guy told him that button would do.]
Police said the man was riding with a police officer in a squad car when he offered the officer free sub sandwiches if he could go home. [The officer considered the offer, but then remembered that his cholesterol level was too high and he had just run out of his Lipitor prescription.] The officer declined. [But as a consolation, the officer told the man that he may want to make that offer to his cell mate. It is better to voluntarily offer a sub to your cell mate rather than be forced to offer him a tossed salad.]
Tue Sep 2, 8:26 PM ET
IOWA CITY, Iowa - Iowa City police said a man who was driving drunk tried to bribe a police officer — with a sandwich. [Apparently he was all out of donuts.] Police said a 25-year-old man was charged with drunken driving early Sunday morning after an officer saw him driving with his headlights off and pulled him over. [The driver was stunned that the officer even saw him because he thought he was in "stealth mode." At least that was what the sales guy told him that button would do.]
Police said the man was riding with a police officer in a squad car when he offered the officer free sub sandwiches if he could go home. [The officer considered the offer, but then remembered that his cholesterol level was too high and he had just run out of his Lipitor prescription.] The officer declined. [But as a consolation, the officer told the man that he may want to make that offer to his cell mate. It is better to voluntarily offer a sub to your cell mate rather than be forced to offer him a tossed salad.]
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Porta-Potty Sera
This story was brought to my attention by loyal reader (and fellow observer of stupidity) BEACHTERP, which is a story from Bay News 9 in Tampa. Thanks Beachterp.
Police: Burglary suspect trapped in portable toilet [This headline just screams stupidity, doesn't it?]
Sunday, August 31, 2008
TAMPA (Bay News 9) -- A man was arrested Saturday afternoon [Isn't burglary generally more successful when people can't see you? Now, admittedly I am no criminal mastermind, but it would seem to me that daylight would tend to hinder that objective.] after police said he broke into a truck and then was chased into a portable toilet by the owner and his friend.
Police said 22-year-old Lorenzo Earl Knight [How proud his mama must be that they listed his whole name!] broke into a 1999 Ford F-150 in the parking lot of International Plaza and stole a digital camera. [But then he threw the camera back when he saw that the SD card contained nude photos of the owner's girlfriend, or at least as much of her as would fit in the frame.] They said that he then broke into 2000 Ford F-150 [Two F-150s in the same parking lot... coincidence?], and in the process he was seen by the owner of the second truck. [Apparently the black shirt, black pants, black shoes and black ski mask did not keep him as concealed as he had hoped, what with the bright sunshine and all.]
According to reports, the owner of the truck and his friend chased Knight [if you can call it a chase...with the boilers that I am guessing were hanging under their rib cages, it was likely more like a waddle] to a nearby construction site, where the suspect tried to hide in a portable toilet. [Genius! Sheer genius! Lord knows there could not possibly be anywhere else to hide IN A CONSTRUCTION SITE!] Police said the victim and his friend found the portable toilet and turned it over[Redneck Justice! That could be a new series on Fox. "Fat Boys. Fat Boys. Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they cover you in poo?"] , covering Knight in a "large amount of human waste." [Let's do the math on that...enclosed space + little air flow + high Florda humidity + hot midday Florida sun + construction workers + large amount of human waste = doo doo stew. Mmmmmmm.]
Knight was arrested shortly afterwards [after being disinfected by a hazmat crew]. He was taken to jail and charged with two counts of burglary of an unoccupied conveyance and one count of third-degree grand theft [and one count of stunk and disodorly...sorry, that was bad...I just could not resist the pun]. Bond was set at $6,000. [Which was how much it cost the police department to get that smell out of the police car.] He was released Sunday shortly after midnight. [Mostly because he still smelled so bad, that even the salad-tossing man got queasy.]
Police: Burglary suspect trapped in portable toilet [This headline just screams stupidity, doesn't it?]
Sunday, August 31, 2008
TAMPA (Bay News 9) -- A man was arrested Saturday afternoon [Isn't burglary generally more successful when people can't see you? Now, admittedly I am no criminal mastermind, but it would seem to me that daylight would tend to hinder that objective.] after police said he broke into a truck and then was chased into a portable toilet by the owner and his friend.
Police said 22-year-old Lorenzo Earl Knight [How proud his mama must be that they listed his whole name!] broke into a 1999 Ford F-150 in the parking lot of International Plaza and stole a digital camera. [But then he threw the camera back when he saw that the SD card contained nude photos of the owner's girlfriend, or at least as much of her as would fit in the frame.] They said that he then broke into 2000 Ford F-150 [Two F-150s in the same parking lot... coincidence?], and in the process he was seen by the owner of the second truck. [Apparently the black shirt, black pants, black shoes and black ski mask did not keep him as concealed as he had hoped, what with the bright sunshine and all.]
According to reports, the owner of the truck and his friend chased Knight [if you can call it a chase...with the boilers that I am guessing were hanging under their rib cages, it was likely more like a waddle] to a nearby construction site, where the suspect tried to hide in a portable toilet. [Genius! Sheer genius! Lord knows there could not possibly be anywhere else to hide IN A CONSTRUCTION SITE!] Police said the victim and his friend found the portable toilet and turned it over[Redneck Justice! That could be a new series on Fox. "Fat Boys. Fat Boys. Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they cover you in poo?"] , covering Knight in a "large amount of human waste." [Let's do the math on that...enclosed space + little air flow + high Florda humidity + hot midday Florida sun + construction workers + large amount of human waste = doo doo stew. Mmmmmmm.]
Knight was arrested shortly afterwards [after being disinfected by a hazmat crew]. He was taken to jail and charged with two counts of burglary of an unoccupied conveyance and one count of third-degree grand theft [and one count of stunk and disodorly...sorry, that was bad...I just could not resist the pun]. Bond was set at $6,000. [Which was how much it cost the police department to get that smell out of the police car.] He was released Sunday shortly after midnight. [Mostly because he still smelled so bad, that even the salad-tossing man got queasy.]
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