Posts
Help-wanted ad for nanny: `My kids are a pain'
Thu Aug 28, 6:17 PM ET
NEW YORK - It was an unusually honest ad for a live-in nanny, a 1,000-word tome beginning, "My kids are a pain." [Buona Sera Translation: "Help! I screwed up my kids and I need you to rescue me from them."]But it worked, attracting a brave [BST: desperate, jobless] soul who's never been a nanny before. [Now that's who you want raising your troubled children...someone who has absolutely no experience raising children. Yet another stellar choice from this Mother of the Year candidate. Way to go! That's a solid parenting decision!]
"If you cannot multitask [which apparently Mom can't do], or communicate without being passive aggressive [Which I am guessing is also Mom's problem], don't even bother replying," Rebecca Land Soodak, a mother of four on Manhattan's Upper East Side [Ok. I see now. It takes a little cash to raise 4 kids on the Upper East Side, so this lady clearly has a little of that. So this lazy Diva probably wants to let someone else be responsible for her kids while she meets the other Divas for lunch martinis and shopping.], wrote Aug. 19 in her advertisement on Craigslist. [Which you might recognize as the foremost source for quality Nanny referrals in the US and maybe the world. You will never see scam artists, con men, or other nefarious types there. Once again another solid parenting decision!]
"I can be a tad difficult to work for. [Really? I would not have imagined that!] I'm loud [No!], pushy [Say it isn't so!] and while I used to think we paid well, I am no longer sure. [Because no one wants to take the job. News flash, honey... people aren't declining to take your Nanny position because the salary is low. They are not taking it because you are a nasty, lazy beeotch who has four spoiled, bratty demon offspring. That sound you hear is the alarm clock, sister. Wake up.] " This being the age of instant communications, the ad took on a life of its own, making the rounds of parenting blogs [Under the tag line - "Look what this moron posted!"] and e-mail inboxes and inspiring an article in Thursday's New York Times. [Once again, solid parenting. That's what you strive for as a parent - to have your name in the Times associated with a story about pawning your rotten kids off on someone else. How proud she must be.]
Soodak, a 40-year-old painter whose husband owns a wine store, eventually hired Christina Wynn [Pray for her], a 25-year-old University of Virginia graduate, to take care of Rubin, 12; Ellis, 9; and Shay and Cassie, both 6. [Pray for them too.]
"I made a commitment to stay in the job for at least a year," [I bet she doesn't make it past Christmas.] Wynn told the Times. "I met the oldest child, but not the others,[More sound parenting - hire someone to raise your kids without having that person actually meet your kids] which my mother said was crazy — to accept the job without meeting all the kids. [So I am guessing that this UVa grad did not graduate top of her class. Are we starting to see two separate storms of stupidity brewing off the coast? When these two storms of stupidity collide, there will be carnage of biblical proportions. ] So we'll see." She noted that one of the pluses is that the children are all in school for several hours each day. [Does anyone else see it as a problem that one of the pluses for a job is that for part of the day you don't have to do the job? Or is that just me? OK. Just checking.]
Some other excerpts from the listing: "If you are fundamentally unhappy with your life, you will be more unhappy if you take this job, so do us all a favor and get some treatment or move to the Rockies, but do not apply for employment with us." ["Because we take no pleasure in making unhappy people more unhappy. Where is the sport in that? We want to ruin the life of a perfectly happy person. Misery loves making the company more than it loves having the company."] And this: "Also, if you suspect all wealthy women are frivolous, we are not for you." ["Because I am frivolous and I do not need to be judged by a peon like you, who are no doubt beneath me.] And this: "I have all sorts of theories on how to stack my dishwasher ["which I think is located somewhere in the kitchen, or so I am told"], and if you are judgmental about Ritalin for ADHD [or Paxil, or Zoloft, or Prozac, or Lithium], or think such things are caused by too much sugar, again, deal-break city." [Did she really put "deal-break city" in the ad? Really? What is she, a high school cheerleader? "Like, y'know, it would, like be really rad if, like y'know, we could get someone who could, like, raise our kids for us and stuff. So if you think you might do it, you can, like, hit me on my celly, or text me or something."]
No word yet on whether a sequel to "The Nanny Diaries" is in the works. Meanwhile, Soodak tells the Times: "I hope she likes it here. ["I'm too lazy to look for another nanny."] I sent the ad to one of my old sitters and she said she felt it was pretty accurate [There's a ringing endorsement! I am surprised she is even still talking to you.], which sort of stung a little bit. [Through all of this, THAT is what stings? Not the fact that you are a failure as a parent, or that your kids are spoiled and unmanageable, or that your family's name is now nationally published as a complete familial wreck?] "
Friday, August 29, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Baseball-a Sera
9-year-old boy told he's too good to pitch
By JOHN CHRISTOFFERSEN, Associated Press Writer Mon Aug 25, 9:33 PM ET
NEW HAVEN, Conn. - Nine-year-old Jericho Scott is a good baseball player — too good, it turns out.
The right-hander has a fastball that tops out at about 40 mph. [Plus he has a killer set of Pokemon cards]. He throws so hard that the Youth Baseball League of New Haven told his coach that the boy could not pitch any more. [Apparently the New Haven Police set up a speed trap between 3rd and home, clocked the kid's pitches over the legal limit, and ticketed the league. Now the League faces the possibility of a fine and 2 points on their license. Plus you know the insurance is going to go u p to.] When Jericho took the mound anyway last week, the opposing team forfeited the game, packed its gear and left, his coach said. [That's the spirit of competition we are trying to teach our young people! Maybe those kids can use those same crybaby skills in school...when a test is too hard, you just pack your crap and go home. Then the test doesn't count! Woo-hoo! Let's all get on the train to Mediocreville!]
Officials for the three-year-old league [Is this the age of the league or the mental age of its commissioners?], which has eight teams and about 100 players, said they will disband Jericho's team, redistributing its players among other squads, and offered to refund $50 sign-up fees to anyone who asks for it. [Major League Baseball has noted what is happening and were going to do the same thing to the New York Yankees, but they tanked this year and saved themselves.] They say Jericho's coach, Wilfred Vidro, has resigned. But Vidro says he didn't quit and the team refuses to disband. Players and parents held a protest at the league's field on Saturday urging the league to let Jericho pitch. [They chained themselves to the backstop and laid down in front of the lawn mowers who were trying to cut the grass, all while chanting "Hell no, let him throw." But the lawn mowers had strict orders. The parents will be missed. Pray for them.]
"He's never hurt any one, [except making the other pansy kids cry] " Vidro said. "He's on target all the time. [except when he gets the sign to bring a little chin music] How can you punish a kid for being too good?"
The controversy bothers Jericho, who says he misses pitching.
"I feel sad," he said. "I feel like it's all my fault nobody could play." [Suck it up kid. It's the Spock rule. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one. You need to throw fast, and the rest of the players need to feel like you are not better than they are and that they don't suck. You lose.]
Jericho's coach and parents say the boy is being unfairly targeted because he turned down an invitation to join the defending league champion, which is sponsored by an employer of one of the league's administrators. [League administrator, Hank Steinbrenner, denies that there is any truth to that report.]
Jericho instead joined a team sponsored by Will Power Fitness. The team was 8-0 and on its way to the playoffs when Jericho was banned from pitching.
"I think it's discouraging when you're telling a 9-year-old you're too good at something," said his mother, Nicole Scott. "The whole objective in life is to find something you're good at and stick with it. I'd rather he spend all his time on the baseball field than idolizing someone standing on the street corner."
League attorney Peter Noble [Whose name is quite ironic, since he is clearly one and not the other. Think about it. Look at the name. Wait for it..one...not the other....there it is. Now you get it.] says the only factor in banning Jericho from the mound is his pitches are just too fast. ["Our slow-ass, lazy, fat, sloppy, video game junkie kids can barely lift the bat. How are they going to hit a 40mph fast ball?"] "He is a very skilled player, a very hard thrower," Noble said. "There are a lot of beginners. [translation: These kids are wimps and crybabies] This is not a high-powered league. [translation: We want all of the kids to be the same. If everyone is the same, no one sucks. Our kids' constitutions are too delicate to accept the possibility that they suck.] This is a developmental league whose main purpose is to promote the sport. [translation: These kids don't want to be here. They are only here because their parents sucked at sports when they were kids and want to live vicariously through their kids' accomplishments.] "
Noble acknowledged that Jericho had not beaned any batters in the co-ed league of 8- to 10-year-olds, but say parents expressed safety concerns. [Oh no. We would not want our kids to get an owie.]
"Facing that kind of speed" is frightening for beginning players, Noble said. [Or is it frightening for the thin-skinned, politically correct, parenting-nazis watching the beginners?]
League officials say they first told Vidro that the boy could not pitch after a game on Aug. 13. Jericho played second base the next game on Aug. 16. But when he took the mound Wednesday, the other team walked off and a forfeit was called. [What a great lesson to teach our kids.]
League officials say Jericho's mother became irate, threatening them and vowing to get the league shut down. [She was seen to do such offensive things as ball her fist and raise it in the air, while saying "Drat! You cursed other team players!" Some witnesses even say she raised her voice, causing some other parents to fear for their children's hearing and causing the league to issue a rule that all players must wear earplugs during the remaining games.]
"I have never seen behavior of a parent like the behavior Jericho's mother exhibited Wednesday night," Noble said. [So he saw it? He was there? Doesn't that make him a witness? And thus unable to act as an attorney as a result of the conflict of interest? Plus if he was there too, that means his probably has a kid in the league, making him one of the parents of the pansy-progeny.]
Scott denies threatening any one, but said she did call the police. [Who, if you remember were close by, hiding in their speed trap between 3rd and home.] League officials suggested that Jericho play other positions [because no kid ever gets hit in the face by a middle infielder throwing to first on a double play], or pitch against older players or in a different league[translation: kids who are not quite a sissified as these kids].
Local attorney John Williams was planning to meet with Jericho's parents Monday to discuss legal options. [That is basic law school stuff - I think it's in the 1st Amendment - No state shall abridge the right of talented children to throw heat.]
"You don't have to be learned in the law to know in your heart that it's wrong, [And as we all know, the law ALWAYS rights the wrongs, right? " he said. "Now you have to be punished because you excel at something?" [Now go to your room and write "I will not throw gas." one hundred times.
[Phew. That was a long one. I think I need a drink. Hey bartender! Jobu needs a refill!"
By JOHN CHRISTOFFERSEN, Associated Press Writer Mon Aug 25, 9:33 PM ET
NEW HAVEN, Conn. - Nine-year-old Jericho Scott is a good baseball player — too good, it turns out.
The right-hander has a fastball that tops out at about 40 mph. [Plus he has a killer set of Pokemon cards]. He throws so hard that the Youth Baseball League of New Haven told his coach that the boy could not pitch any more. [Apparently the New Haven Police set up a speed trap between 3rd and home, clocked the kid's pitches over the legal limit, and ticketed the league. Now the League faces the possibility of a fine and 2 points on their license. Plus you know the insurance is going to go u p to.] When Jericho took the mound anyway last week, the opposing team forfeited the game, packed its gear and left, his coach said. [That's the spirit of competition we are trying to teach our young people! Maybe those kids can use those same crybaby skills in school...when a test is too hard, you just pack your crap and go home. Then the test doesn't count! Woo-hoo! Let's all get on the train to Mediocreville!]
Officials for the three-year-old league [Is this the age of the league or the mental age of its commissioners?], which has eight teams and about 100 players, said they will disband Jericho's team, redistributing its players among other squads, and offered to refund $50 sign-up fees to anyone who asks for it. [Major League Baseball has noted what is happening and were going to do the same thing to the New York Yankees, but they tanked this year and saved themselves.] They say Jericho's coach, Wilfred Vidro, has resigned. But Vidro says he didn't quit and the team refuses to disband. Players and parents held a protest at the league's field on Saturday urging the league to let Jericho pitch. [They chained themselves to the backstop and laid down in front of the lawn mowers who were trying to cut the grass, all while chanting "Hell no, let him throw." But the lawn mowers had strict orders. The parents will be missed. Pray for them.]
"He's never hurt any one, [except making the other pansy kids cry] " Vidro said. "He's on target all the time. [except when he gets the sign to bring a little chin music] How can you punish a kid for being too good?"
The controversy bothers Jericho, who says he misses pitching.
"I feel sad," he said. "I feel like it's all my fault nobody could play." [Suck it up kid. It's the Spock rule. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one. You need to throw fast, and the rest of the players need to feel like you are not better than they are and that they don't suck. You lose.]
Jericho's coach and parents say the boy is being unfairly targeted because he turned down an invitation to join the defending league champion, which is sponsored by an employer of one of the league's administrators. [League administrator, Hank Steinbrenner, denies that there is any truth to that report.]
Jericho instead joined a team sponsored by Will Power Fitness. The team was 8-0 and on its way to the playoffs when Jericho was banned from pitching.
"I think it's discouraging when you're telling a 9-year-old you're too good at something," said his mother, Nicole Scott. "The whole objective in life is to find something you're good at and stick with it. I'd rather he spend all his time on the baseball field than idolizing someone standing on the street corner."
League attorney Peter Noble [Whose name is quite ironic, since he is clearly one and not the other. Think about it. Look at the name. Wait for it..one...not the other....there it is. Now you get it.] says the only factor in banning Jericho from the mound is his pitches are just too fast. ["Our slow-ass, lazy, fat, sloppy, video game junkie kids can barely lift the bat. How are they going to hit a 40mph fast ball?"] "He is a very skilled player, a very hard thrower," Noble said. "There are a lot of beginners. [translation: These kids are wimps and crybabies] This is not a high-powered league. [translation: We want all of the kids to be the same. If everyone is the same, no one sucks. Our kids' constitutions are too delicate to accept the possibility that they suck.] This is a developmental league whose main purpose is to promote the sport. [translation: These kids don't want to be here. They are only here because their parents sucked at sports when they were kids and want to live vicariously through their kids' accomplishments.] "
Noble acknowledged that Jericho had not beaned any batters in the co-ed league of 8- to 10-year-olds, but say parents expressed safety concerns. [Oh no. We would not want our kids to get an owie.]
"Facing that kind of speed" is frightening for beginning players, Noble said. [Or is it frightening for the thin-skinned, politically correct, parenting-nazis watching the beginners?]
League officials say they first told Vidro that the boy could not pitch after a game on Aug. 13. Jericho played second base the next game on Aug. 16. But when he took the mound Wednesday, the other team walked off and a forfeit was called. [What a great lesson to teach our kids.]
League officials say Jericho's mother became irate, threatening them and vowing to get the league shut down. [She was seen to do such offensive things as ball her fist and raise it in the air, while saying "Drat! You cursed other team players!" Some witnesses even say she raised her voice, causing some other parents to fear for their children's hearing and causing the league to issue a rule that all players must wear earplugs during the remaining games.]
"I have never seen behavior of a parent like the behavior Jericho's mother exhibited Wednesday night," Noble said. [So he saw it? He was there? Doesn't that make him a witness? And thus unable to act as an attorney as a result of the conflict of interest? Plus if he was there too, that means his probably has a kid in the league, making him one of the parents of the pansy-progeny.]
Scott denies threatening any one, but said she did call the police. [Who, if you remember were close by, hiding in their speed trap between 3rd and home.] League officials suggested that Jericho play other positions [because no kid ever gets hit in the face by a middle infielder throwing to first on a double play], or pitch against older players or in a different league[translation: kids who are not quite a sissified as these kids].
Local attorney John Williams was planning to meet with Jericho's parents Monday to discuss legal options. [That is basic law school stuff - I think it's in the 1st Amendment - No state shall abridge the right of talented children to throw heat.]
"You don't have to be learned in the law to know in your heart that it's wrong, [And as we all know, the law ALWAYS rights the wrongs, right? " he said. "Now you have to be punished because you excel at something?" [Now go to your room and write "I will not throw gas." one hundred times.
[Phew. That was a long one. I think I need a drink. Hey bartender! Jobu needs a refill!"
Friday, August 22, 2008
Boner Sera
Man denied refund for condoms accused of calling 911
Thu Aug 21, 5:18 PM ET
ENGLEWOOD, N.J. - Police said a man called 911 and reported a robbery after a gas station employee refused to give him his money back for an unopened box of condoms. [He originally bought them because he was going to go home and masturbate and he was afraid of getting himself pregnant, but then he realized he did not get the kind with the spermicide in it, and he just didn't want to take the chance.]
Police said officers responded quickly to the call on Sunday and found a gas station worker who fit the description of the robber given by the caller. [The description was as follows: He was medium height, medium build, dark hair, of middle eastern descent, wearing a BP uniform with "Sanjeet" on a patch on his shirt. Police used their razor sharp investigative skills to locate the alleged robber standing behind the counter at the BP station, next to the scratch-offs.]
Police said the 21-year-old man told them he called 911 and made the bogus report to help him get his money back. [This plan is so stupid, it is its own joke.] Police charged him with making a false report. [Apparently it does not count as robbery to steal someone's dignity and self respect when you have none in the first place.]
Thu Aug 21, 5:18 PM ET
ENGLEWOOD, N.J. - Police said a man called 911 and reported a robbery after a gas station employee refused to give him his money back for an unopened box of condoms. [He originally bought them because he was going to go home and masturbate and he was afraid of getting himself pregnant, but then he realized he did not get the kind with the spermicide in it, and he just didn't want to take the chance.]
Police said officers responded quickly to the call on Sunday and found a gas station worker who fit the description of the robber given by the caller. [The description was as follows: He was medium height, medium build, dark hair, of middle eastern descent, wearing a BP uniform with "Sanjeet" on a patch on his shirt. Police used their razor sharp investigative skills to locate the alleged robber standing behind the counter at the BP station, next to the scratch-offs.]
Police said the 21-year-old man told them he called 911 and made the bogus report to help him get his money back. [This plan is so stupid, it is its own joke.] Police charged him with making a false report. [Apparently it does not count as robbery to steal someone's dignity and self respect when you have none in the first place.]
The-Day-I-Was-Borna Sera
Woman marks birthday by aiding son in heists
Thu Aug 21, 5:18 PM ET
MILWAUKEE - Police in Wisconsin say a woman celebrated her birthday by helping her teenage son rob two gas stations. [Now that's how you celebrate a birthday! Nothing epitomizes the celebration of your own life better than helping your offspring commit a felony. Breakin' the law! Breakin' the law!] Officers in the Milwaukee suburb of Greenfield say the 37-year-old woman acted as the getaway driver [Can't you just see her sitting outside of the gas station in her beat-up old mini-van, with a bumper sticker that says "Your kid may be an honor student but my kid can pull off a hold-up job better than yours."] while her 17-year-old son [a 37 year old woman, with a 17 year old child...are we starting to see a theme in this blog???] robbed the stations at gunpoint. ["I'll be takin' these Huggies, and whatever cash ya got."]
Authorities say the pair were in custody Wednesday awaiting charges. [Charges could not be immediately filed because the District Attorney was out fishin' for muskies.] Their names were not released.
Police say the teen was visiting from Chicago for his mother's birthday. [Here's the call..."Hi Mom. I thought I'd come visit you for your birthday. I want to take you out for a really nice dinner. But I'm a little short on cash so I need you to help me knock off a couple of gas stations so I can pay for dinner. Sound cool?"]
And they say the woman's 13-month-old daughter and two boys ages 10 and 14 [4 kids aged 17 yrs., 14 yrs., 10 yrs. and 13 months. That sure sounds like effective family planning, doesn't it?] rode along during the robberies in Greenfield and Milwaukee. [Well at least they are doing something together as a family. Plus finding a sitter is difficult when you plan on knocking off some gas stations. I mean, what happens if you have to take hostages and barricade yourself in? Can you imagine how much you'd have to pay the baby sitter for that amount of time!] Greenfield police Deputy Inspector Bradley Wentlandt says the younger children have been turned over to child welfare. [That's fortuitous. Child welfare needs funding. The kids have felony theft experience. It's a match made in heaven!]
Thu Aug 21, 5:18 PM ET
MILWAUKEE - Police in Wisconsin say a woman celebrated her birthday by helping her teenage son rob two gas stations. [Now that's how you celebrate a birthday! Nothing epitomizes the celebration of your own life better than helping your offspring commit a felony. Breakin' the law! Breakin' the law!] Officers in the Milwaukee suburb of Greenfield say the 37-year-old woman acted as the getaway driver [Can't you just see her sitting outside of the gas station in her beat-up old mini-van, with a bumper sticker that says "Your kid may be an honor student but my kid can pull off a hold-up job better than yours."] while her 17-year-old son [a 37 year old woman, with a 17 year old child...are we starting to see a theme in this blog???] robbed the stations at gunpoint. ["I'll be takin' these Huggies, and whatever cash ya got."]
Authorities say the pair were in custody Wednesday awaiting charges. [Charges could not be immediately filed because the District Attorney was out fishin' for muskies.] Their names were not released.
Police say the teen was visiting from Chicago for his mother's birthday. [Here's the call..."Hi Mom. I thought I'd come visit you for your birthday. I want to take you out for a really nice dinner. But I'm a little short on cash so I need you to help me knock off a couple of gas stations so I can pay for dinner. Sound cool?"]
And they say the woman's 13-month-old daughter and two boys ages 10 and 14 [4 kids aged 17 yrs., 14 yrs., 10 yrs. and 13 months. That sure sounds like effective family planning, doesn't it?] rode along during the robberies in Greenfield and Milwaukee. [Well at least they are doing something together as a family. Plus finding a sitter is difficult when you plan on knocking off some gas stations. I mean, what happens if you have to take hostages and barricade yourself in? Can you imagine how much you'd have to pay the baby sitter for that amount of time!] Greenfield police Deputy Inspector Bradley Wentlandt says the younger children have been turned over to child welfare. [That's fortuitous. Child welfare needs funding. The kids have felony theft experience. It's a match made in heaven!]
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Weeda Sera
From Yahoo News
Man says he grew pot in a cost-saving move
Tue Aug 19, 8:55 PM ET
TYLER, Texas - A Tyler man accused of growing marijuana in an alleged cost-saving move is jailed on felony possession charges. Bond is $15,000 [D'Oh! There goes the weed savings! I bet he was going to use that savings to do something nice like buy his girlfriend some new teeth. She lost the old ones and she's been wanting new ones for a while now.] for 55-year-old [Kids will be kids] John Daniel Miller III, who remained in the Smith County Jail late Tuesday.[D'oh again! I am sure that made him late for his shift at the Walmart.]
Sheriff's Sgt. Randal Hiller declined to release information on Miller [You mean other than his full name, the county in which he lives, his age, what he is charged with, how much weed he had, how they caught him, what his reaction was and what his defense is. Phew! I am glad they kept all that info a secret. Wouldn't want that leaking out.], including whether he has an attorney following Monday's arrest.[Top shelf reporting, Jimmy Olsen! I guess you could not get any info from any other source, like say, oh I don't know, maybe the public court record or something.]
Sheriff's Sgt. Randy Meadows told the Tyler Morning-Telegraph that a tip led officers to some rural property, where several marijuana plants — encircled by old tires [I am glad he encircled them with old tires. I'd hate to think he did not try to hide them or anything]— lined the driveway [Lining the driveway? Ok. Nice work. After all, where else could he have put them…in butt-scratch rural Texas…where there is not a lot of space to hide stuff??].
Deputies confiscated more than 70 plants[Or as Mr. Miller put it, "My good weekend."]. worth about $100,000.[How much weed is this guy smoking? He grew $100K worth of weed for his "recreational" use? Ok. Sure he did. I can't imagine him selling that or anything. Doesn't everyone smoke $100K worth of weed?]
Meadows said Miller told deputies he knew they were coming "sooner or later" [What would make him think that? 70 plants lining his driveway with old tires to mark their location? I can't imagine why he would have thought the police might discover that!] and he was cultivating his own marijuana because the cost of buying the illegal substance had gone up [Great defensive legal strategy. "Yes your honor. Times are tough all over. I was just trying to budget my money. The cost of hookers went up too, but they take too long to grow your own, so weed was clearly the better savings option."].
Man says he grew pot in a cost-saving move
Tue Aug 19, 8:55 PM ET
TYLER, Texas - A Tyler man accused of growing marijuana in an alleged cost-saving move is jailed on felony possession charges. Bond is $15,000 [D'Oh! There goes the weed savings! I bet he was going to use that savings to do something nice like buy his girlfriend some new teeth. She lost the old ones and she's been wanting new ones for a while now.] for 55-year-old [Kids will be kids] John Daniel Miller III, who remained in the Smith County Jail late Tuesday.[D'oh again! I am sure that made him late for his shift at the Walmart.]
Sheriff's Sgt. Randal Hiller declined to release information on Miller [You mean other than his full name, the county in which he lives, his age, what he is charged with, how much weed he had, how they caught him, what his reaction was and what his defense is. Phew! I am glad they kept all that info a secret. Wouldn't want that leaking out.], including whether he has an attorney following Monday's arrest.[Top shelf reporting, Jimmy Olsen! I guess you could not get any info from any other source, like say, oh I don't know, maybe the public court record or something.]
Sheriff's Sgt. Randy Meadows told the Tyler Morning-Telegraph that a tip led officers to some rural property, where several marijuana plants — encircled by old tires [I am glad he encircled them with old tires. I'd hate to think he did not try to hide them or anything]— lined the driveway [Lining the driveway? Ok. Nice work. After all, where else could he have put them…in butt-scratch rural Texas…where there is not a lot of space to hide stuff??].
Deputies confiscated more than 70 plants[Or as Mr. Miller put it, "My good weekend."]. worth about $100,000.[How much weed is this guy smoking? He grew $100K worth of weed for his "recreational" use? Ok. Sure he did. I can't imagine him selling that or anything. Doesn't everyone smoke $100K worth of weed?]
Meadows said Miller told deputies he knew they were coming "sooner or later" [What would make him think that? 70 plants lining his driveway with old tires to mark their location? I can't imagine why he would have thought the police might discover that!] and he was cultivating his own marijuana because the cost of buying the illegal substance had gone up [Great defensive legal strategy. "Yes your honor. Times are tough all over. I was just trying to budget my money. The cost of hookers went up too, but they take too long to grow your own, so weed was clearly the better savings option."].
Jedi Sera
This news piece goes to show that not all stupidity happens in the US
'Darth Vader' spared jail in Jedi church attacks
Wed May 14, 7:36 AM ET
HOLYHEAD, Wales - A man who dressed up as Darth Vader, wearing a garbage bag for a cape(and a bucket for a helmet, and a flashlight as a light saber), and assaulted the founders of a group calling itself the Jedi church (Can you say Scientology?) was given a suspended sentence Tuesday. Arwel Wynne Hughes, 27, attacked Jedi church founder Barney Jones " aka Master Jonba Hehol (Which translates to Master Jerkoff Nodates)" with a metal crutch (Oh no! Not the dreaded metal crutch! Only a true Sith Lord can wield such destructive weapon!), hitting him on the head (Where was HIS helmet?? He must have left it with his drool cup when he got off the short bus.), prosecutors told Holyhead Magistrates' Court. He also whacked Jones' 18-year-old cousin, Michael Jones " known as Master Mormi Hehol (Which translates to Master Lives-with-his-Mom Nodates)" bruising his thigh (Considering the location of this injury, I guess "whacked" (see previous sentence) is the proper description) in the March 25 incident, prosecutors said. The two cousins and Barney Jones' brother, Daniel, set up the Church of Jediism, Anglesey order, last year. Jedi is the faith followed by some of the central characters in the "Star Wars" films. The group, which claims about 30 members, says on its Web site that it uses "insight and knowledge" from the films as "a guide to living a better and more worthwhile life." (Including such daily useful pearls of wisdom as how to successfully navigate an asteroid field, how to work a moisture farm on a planet with 2 suns, how to survive if you are encased in carbonite, and how to arrange your Jedi robes so your money-maker doesn't slip out.) "We all love the films and what they stand for. Obviously some people are going to laugh about it (No! Say it isn't so!)," the Wales on Sunday newspaper quoted Barney Jones as saying last month. "But a lot of people do take it seriously." (I guess when you have no friends, a membership of 30 does seem like a lot.) Unfortunately for Hughes, his March attack was recorded on a video camera (Why didn't he just use the force to disable the camera? Sheesh!) that the cousins had set up to film themselves in a light saber battle. (This is a Jedi ritual known as "Dorkus Playactus" and it is usually followed by such rituals as "Goober Youtuber Poster" or "Cleanup Momsbasementus" and occasionally "Taketo Emergencyroomus") "Darth Vader! Jedis!" Hughes shouted as he approached. (Shouldn't they have "sensed" his presence before he shouted?)Hughes claimed he couldn't remember the incident, having drunk the better part of a 2 1/2-gallon (10-liter) box of wine beforehand. (And there is the payoff -now we see how this got started. You see, nothing good can come from drinking boxed wine. And as a side note, why couldn't these 2 "Jedis" beat the dog crap out of a drunk? Because they are goobers, that's why.) "He knows his behavior was wrong (Of course he does. He is Darth Vader. Everything he does is evil. After all, once you start down the dark path, forever will it control your destiny.) and didn't want it to happen (Because once you choose the dark path, you are powerless against its will. I wonder if that was his defense in court??) but he has no recollection of it," said Hughes' lawyer, Frances Jones. District Judge Andrew Shaw sentenced Hughes to two months in jail (Which, considering his personality, is a death sentence for him. Can you imagine what sorts of salad-tossing, soap-dropping, jailhouse lovin' he would be subjected to?) but suspended the sentence for one year. He also ordered Hughes to pay $195 to each of his victims (Wait a second, he got to beat up dorks for price of $195 each. That sounds like a small business opportunity to me) and $117 in court costs. In the 2001 United Kingdom census, 390,000 " 0.7 percent of the population" listed Jedi as their religion.
'Darth Vader' spared jail in Jedi church attacks
Wed May 14, 7:36 AM ET
HOLYHEAD, Wales - A man who dressed up as Darth Vader, wearing a garbage bag for a cape(and a bucket for a helmet, and a flashlight as a light saber), and assaulted the founders of a group calling itself the Jedi church (Can you say Scientology?) was given a suspended sentence Tuesday. Arwel Wynne Hughes, 27, attacked Jedi church founder Barney Jones " aka Master Jonba Hehol (Which translates to Master Jerkoff Nodates)" with a metal crutch (Oh no! Not the dreaded metal crutch! Only a true Sith Lord can wield such destructive weapon!), hitting him on the head (Where was HIS helmet?? He must have left it with his drool cup when he got off the short bus.), prosecutors told Holyhead Magistrates' Court. He also whacked Jones' 18-year-old cousin, Michael Jones " known as Master Mormi Hehol (Which translates to Master Lives-with-his-Mom Nodates)" bruising his thigh (Considering the location of this injury, I guess "whacked" (see previous sentence) is the proper description) in the March 25 incident, prosecutors said. The two cousins and Barney Jones' brother, Daniel, set up the Church of Jediism, Anglesey order, last year. Jedi is the faith followed by some of the central characters in the "Star Wars" films. The group, which claims about 30 members, says on its Web site that it uses "insight and knowledge" from the films as "a guide to living a better and more worthwhile life." (Including such daily useful pearls of wisdom as how to successfully navigate an asteroid field, how to work a moisture farm on a planet with 2 suns, how to survive if you are encased in carbonite, and how to arrange your Jedi robes so your money-maker doesn't slip out.) "We all love the films and what they stand for. Obviously some people are going to laugh about it (No! Say it isn't so!)," the Wales on Sunday newspaper quoted Barney Jones as saying last month. "But a lot of people do take it seriously." (I guess when you have no friends, a membership of 30 does seem like a lot.) Unfortunately for Hughes, his March attack was recorded on a video camera (Why didn't he just use the force to disable the camera? Sheesh!) that the cousins had set up to film themselves in a light saber battle. (This is a Jedi ritual known as "Dorkus Playactus" and it is usually followed by such rituals as "Goober Youtuber Poster" or "Cleanup Momsbasementus" and occasionally "Taketo Emergencyroomus") "Darth Vader! Jedis!" Hughes shouted as he approached. (Shouldn't they have "sensed" his presence before he shouted?)Hughes claimed he couldn't remember the incident, having drunk the better part of a 2 1/2-gallon (10-liter) box of wine beforehand. (And there is the payoff -now we see how this got started. You see, nothing good can come from drinking boxed wine. And as a side note, why couldn't these 2 "Jedis" beat the dog crap out of a drunk? Because they are goobers, that's why.) "He knows his behavior was wrong (Of course he does. He is Darth Vader. Everything he does is evil. After all, once you start down the dark path, forever will it control your destiny.) and didn't want it to happen (Because once you choose the dark path, you are powerless against its will. I wonder if that was his defense in court??) but he has no recollection of it," said Hughes' lawyer, Frances Jones. District Judge Andrew Shaw sentenced Hughes to two months in jail (Which, considering his personality, is a death sentence for him. Can you imagine what sorts of salad-tossing, soap-dropping, jailhouse lovin' he would be subjected to?) but suspended the sentence for one year. He also ordered Hughes to pay $195 to each of his victims (Wait a second, he got to beat up dorks for price of $195 each. That sounds like a small business opportunity to me) and $117 in court costs. In the 2001 United Kingdom census, 390,000 " 0.7 percent of the population" listed Jedi as their religion.
Morte Sera
From Yahoo News...
otherwise titled as "What happens when rednecks come into money."
SOUTH CHICAGO HEIGHTS, Ill. (Gotta love the heartland)- Bill Bramanti will love Pabst Blue Ribbon (Really? This is your favorite beer? Of all the beers in the country, he chose PBR?) eternally, and he's got the custom-made beer-can casket to prove it. (Because I am sure that 55 inch waist and that gigantic boiler hanging under his rib cage isn't proof enough.)"I actually fit, because I got in here," (Of course he did! Why wouldn't he! Gotta play with the new toy, right) said Bramanti of South Chicago Heights.The 67-year-old Glenwood village administrator (Still working at 67? Maybe the money he spent on the beer coffin would be better put toward retirement) doesn't plan on needing it anytime soon, though. (Drinking PBR, I guess ya never know, do ya?) He threw a party Saturday ('Cause everyone knows that you have to throw a coffin buyin' party!) for friends and filled his silver coffin " designed in Pabst's colors of red, white and blue " with ice and his favorite brew. (I guess he was tired of using the fridge on the front lawn). "Why put such a great novelty piece (I'm sorry? Did she just say novelty piece in reference to a coffin? OK. Just checking.) up on a shelf in storage (What kind of shelf does she have that holds a coffin? What is she a vampire?) when you could use it only the way Bill Bramanti would use it?" said Bramanti's daughter, Cathy Bramanti, 42. (The apple doesn't fall far from the tree) Bramanti ordered the casket from Panozzo Bros. Funeral Home in Chicago Heights, and Scott Sign Co. of Chicago Heights designed the beer can.
otherwise titled as "What happens when rednecks come into money."
SOUTH CHICAGO HEIGHTS, Ill. (Gotta love the heartland)- Bill Bramanti will love Pabst Blue Ribbon (Really? This is your favorite beer? Of all the beers in the country, he chose PBR?) eternally, and he's got the custom-made beer-can casket to prove it. (Because I am sure that 55 inch waist and that gigantic boiler hanging under his rib cage isn't proof enough.)"I actually fit, because I got in here," (Of course he did! Why wouldn't he! Gotta play with the new toy, right) said Bramanti of South Chicago Heights.The 67-year-old Glenwood village administrator (Still working at 67? Maybe the money he spent on the beer coffin would be better put toward retirement) doesn't plan on needing it anytime soon, though. (Drinking PBR, I guess ya never know, do ya?) He threw a party Saturday ('Cause everyone knows that you have to throw a coffin buyin' party!) for friends and filled his silver coffin " designed in Pabst's colors of red, white and blue " with ice and his favorite brew. (I guess he was tired of using the fridge on the front lawn). "Why put such a great novelty piece (I'm sorry? Did she just say novelty piece in reference to a coffin? OK. Just checking.) up on a shelf in storage (What kind of shelf does she have that holds a coffin? What is she a vampire?) when you could use it only the way Bill Bramanti would use it?" said Bramanti's daughter, Cathy Bramanti, 42. (The apple doesn't fall far from the tree) Bramanti ordered the casket from Panozzo Bros. Funeral Home in Chicago Heights, and Scott Sign Co. of Chicago Heights designed the beer can.
Beera Sera
From Yahoo News
ST. AUGUSTINE, Fla - Police have arrested a motorist they say had a 24-pack of beer [What, no keg was available?] strapped in with a seat belt but had a 16-month-old girl unrestrained in the back seat with the toddler's mother [Hey, kids are resiliant. They can heal, but aluminum cans get dented, and you can't get those dents out].
Tina D. Williams was pulled over in St. Augustine on Sunday for allegedly running a red light. [She must've been too distracted by the thoughts of the drunken stupor she had planned for later or maybe something else - read on ]
A 24-pack of Busch beer [ah, the good stuff] was strapped in with the passenger-side seat belt [sure, you gotta protect your investments], according to an arrest report. The girl was in the back seat with 20-year-old Amber Tedrick, who is the toddler's mother [She is 20, with a 16 month old - you can do that math - and the cycle of exemplary parenting spawns yet another generation].
Williams, 46, said she didn't know why the child wasn't restrained. [NO! I cannot imagine that this woman did not know what her child and grandchild were doing. She is such an attentive and careful parent. This report must be a lie.]
Williams refused to take a breath test [I can't imagine why. Maybe they should have had the front seat passenger take the test. A 24 pack has to blow at least a .15, right?] and a deputy found two metal pipes commonly used to smoke drugs in her purse, authorities said. [GASP! I am shocked! This type of behavior is so unlike her. And who is the second pipe for, anyway? The 24 pack? She must be running for Mother of the Year.]
Williams was charged with driving under the influence, child abuse, possession of drug paraphernalia and driving without a license, a jail official said. She remained in the St. Johns County jail Tuesday after bail was set at $31,000.[Too bad she blew all of her cash on beer and weed.]
The jail did not have the name of her attorney. [I bet he's happy that did not get printed] It was not clear if Tedrick would face any charges [Why would she? She didn't do anything wrong. It is perfectly fine to have your 16 month old child unrestrained in the back seat of a car driven by a weed totin', beer swillin', red light runnin' drunkard, as long as she is related to you.] , but the child was released to her care, according to The Florida Times-Union.
ST. AUGUSTINE, Fla - Police have arrested a motorist they say had a 24-pack of beer [What, no keg was available?] strapped in with a seat belt but had a 16-month-old girl unrestrained in the back seat with the toddler's mother [Hey, kids are resiliant. They can heal, but aluminum cans get dented, and you can't get those dents out].
Tina D. Williams was pulled over in St. Augustine on Sunday for allegedly running a red light. [She must've been too distracted by the thoughts of the drunken stupor she had planned for later or maybe something else - read on ]
A 24-pack of Busch beer [ah, the good stuff] was strapped in with the passenger-side seat belt [sure, you gotta protect your investments], according to an arrest report. The girl was in the back seat with 20-year-old Amber Tedrick, who is the toddler's mother [She is 20, with a 16 month old - you can do that math - and the cycle of exemplary parenting spawns yet another generation].
Williams, 46, said she didn't know why the child wasn't restrained. [NO! I cannot imagine that this woman did not know what her child and grandchild were doing. She is such an attentive and careful parent. This report must be a lie.]
Williams refused to take a breath test [I can't imagine why. Maybe they should have had the front seat passenger take the test. A 24 pack has to blow at least a .15, right?] and a deputy found two metal pipes commonly used to smoke drugs in her purse, authorities said. [GASP! I am shocked! This type of behavior is so unlike her. And who is the second pipe for, anyway? The 24 pack? She must be running for Mother of the Year.]
Williams was charged with driving under the influence, child abuse, possession of drug paraphernalia and driving without a license, a jail official said. She remained in the St. Johns County jail Tuesday after bail was set at $31,000.[Too bad she blew all of her cash on beer and weed.]
The jail did not have the name of her attorney. [I bet he's happy that did not get printed] It was not clear if Tedrick would face any charges [Why would she? She didn't do anything wrong. It is perfectly fine to have your 16 month old child unrestrained in the back seat of a car driven by a weed totin', beer swillin', red light runnin' drunkard, as long as she is related to you.] , but the child was released to her care, according to The Florida Times-Union.
Granny Sera
From Yahoo News
Grandma arrested for driving with child on roof
Thu Aug 7, 7:54 PM ET
MARATHON, Fla. - Authorities say a grandmother was arrested for driving around the parking lot of a Marathon grocery store with her 3-year-old child sitting on the roof of the car. [Of course. What better way to score the best parking spots. The kid can see who is coming out so Granny can jump on the spot and not have to carry her fat rear-end an extra 15 feet.]Monroe County Sheriff's Office deputies were called to the Publix store Tuesday and arrested a 54-year-old woman after she was driving around with her three-year-old granddaughter on the roof of her car. [Lesson learned - if you are going to plop your kids on the roof of your car, don't do it at the grocery store. You are much more likely to get away with it doing at the liquor store instead.]The grandmother was released from jail 15 hours later. [But not before making the acquantaince of a nice young lady named "Lady T the Destroyer" who had beautiful tattoos, and metal rods through her lips. She wore this red bandana on her head. They did things. Scary things.]The woman said Thursday she would never let anything hurt her granddaughter [Unless you consider putting the fear of death in someone while restraining them to the roof of a car to be hurtful]. She says she was driving at "snail-speed" [She's never going to qualify for that Crash-Up-Derby sponsorship driving at that speed] and holding the child's leg. [How else was she supposed to keep that 'fraidy-cat up there? The whiney brat kept squirming.]Authorities say the woman told police she was giving the child some air [because everyone knows to grow the best free-range children that are tender and juicy, open air is essential] and letting her have fun [because clinging for life on top of a car is one of the top 5 most fun activities for a 3 year old, just behind drinking glass cleaner, sticking your tongue in a light socket, pouring boiling water on your face and catching knives. Woo-hoo! That's enough fun to make you need a new diaper!].She faces charges of child abuse [Prosecutors are also contemplating charges of impersonating an emergency vehicle, since she was making the child yell "WOOOOO-WOOOOO" while carrying one of those rotating circus flashlights]. The child is back with her mother.[The mother was naturally upset, and expressed her disappointment, saying, "She knows better than that. I don't know what she was thinking. I showed her 3 times how to get the car seat up there."]
Grandma arrested for driving with child on roof
Thu Aug 7, 7:54 PM ET
MARATHON, Fla. - Authorities say a grandmother was arrested for driving around the parking lot of a Marathon grocery store with her 3-year-old child sitting on the roof of the car. [Of course. What better way to score the best parking spots. The kid can see who is coming out so Granny can jump on the spot and not have to carry her fat rear-end an extra 15 feet.]Monroe County Sheriff's Office deputies were called to the Publix store Tuesday and arrested a 54-year-old woman after she was driving around with her three-year-old granddaughter on the roof of her car. [Lesson learned - if you are going to plop your kids on the roof of your car, don't do it at the grocery store. You are much more likely to get away with it doing at the liquor store instead.]The grandmother was released from jail 15 hours later. [But not before making the acquantaince of a nice young lady named "Lady T the Destroyer" who had beautiful tattoos, and metal rods through her lips. She wore this red bandana on her head. They did things. Scary things.]The woman said Thursday she would never let anything hurt her granddaughter [Unless you consider putting the fear of death in someone while restraining them to the roof of a car to be hurtful]. She says she was driving at "snail-speed" [She's never going to qualify for that Crash-Up-Derby sponsorship driving at that speed] and holding the child's leg. [How else was she supposed to keep that 'fraidy-cat up there? The whiney brat kept squirming.]Authorities say the woman told police she was giving the child some air [because everyone knows to grow the best free-range children that are tender and juicy, open air is essential] and letting her have fun [because clinging for life on top of a car is one of the top 5 most fun activities for a 3 year old, just behind drinking glass cleaner, sticking your tongue in a light socket, pouring boiling water on your face and catching knives. Woo-hoo! That's enough fun to make you need a new diaper!].She faces charges of child abuse [Prosecutors are also contemplating charges of impersonating an emergency vehicle, since she was making the child yell "WOOOOO-WOOOOO" while carrying one of those rotating circus flashlights]. The child is back with her mother.[The mother was naturally upset, and expressed her disappointment, saying, "She knows better than that. I don't know what she was thinking. I showed her 3 times how to get the car seat up there."]
Porna Sera
From Yahoo News
Man says he's porn inspector, demands free videos
Mon Aug 11, 11:00 PM ET
LONGMONT, Colo. - A man claiming to be a police detective tried to get an adult novelty shop to give him free X-rated videos, saying he wanted to make sure the performers weren't underage, authorities said. [Because that is the easiest way to get free porn…well, except for nearly every website on the internet.]
He made three tries within nine days last month [Nice to see he was not wasting his time on frivolity, like looking for a job.] and was turned down each time. The store manager called police after the third try. [Was that the first time this manager thought, "Hmmm, there might be something unusual about this customer. Maybe I should call the police." ? This manager gets the observational citizen of the year award.]
Authorities said Monday that the man showed a badge [Well hell if he had a badge he must be legit - you can't fake those. No wonder the manager waited until the 3rd try.] and left a business card [Yet even more evidence of legitimacy - no one could possibly have the computing power to create fake business cards. And even if they did, the printing costs would be way too expensive and too technologically diffic...Oh wait…] from the Longmont police "age verification unit." [Sure, that is believable. The bustling metropolis of Longmont, CO has so many people, and age verification is such a daunting task, that it is only natural it would need it's own unit in the local PD.] Cmdr. Tim Lewis said there is no such unit. [What! No such unit! That can't be true. Wait, didn't I see that on Law and Order? They don't just make that stuff up. It says right on the commercial that it is ripped from the headlines, so it must be real.]
"It was inventive on his part, I'll give him that," Lewis said. [Inventive? Oh yeah. What a brilliant disguise - a fake badge, and a fake card. No one could ever see through that iron-clad subterfuge. He must have spent months planning every detail of that masterful heist. Look out Danny Ocean!]
The business card didn't have anyone's name on it, but the store gave officers surveillance video of the man.[Whose likeness is surprisingly accurate on video, since his brilliant disguise of badge and business card did not quite cover his face. Drat! A fabulous heist foiled again! Damn you technology! Damn you to hell!] Police are looking for him. [Why look for him? Just wait at the store. He'll be back to try again in 3 days.]
Man says he's porn inspector, demands free videos
Mon Aug 11, 11:00 PM ET
LONGMONT, Colo. - A man claiming to be a police detective tried to get an adult novelty shop to give him free X-rated videos, saying he wanted to make sure the performers weren't underage, authorities said. [Because that is the easiest way to get free porn…well, except for nearly every website on the internet.]
He made three tries within nine days last month [Nice to see he was not wasting his time on frivolity, like looking for a job.] and was turned down each time. The store manager called police after the third try. [Was that the first time this manager thought, "Hmmm, there might be something unusual about this customer. Maybe I should call the police." ? This manager gets the observational citizen of the year award.]
Authorities said Monday that the man showed a badge [Well hell if he had a badge he must be legit - you can't fake those. No wonder the manager waited until the 3rd try.] and left a business card [Yet even more evidence of legitimacy - no one could possibly have the computing power to create fake business cards. And even if they did, the printing costs would be way too expensive and too technologically diffic...Oh wait…] from the Longmont police "age verification unit." [Sure, that is believable. The bustling metropolis of Longmont, CO has so many people, and age verification is such a daunting task, that it is only natural it would need it's own unit in the local PD.] Cmdr. Tim Lewis said there is no such unit. [What! No such unit! That can't be true. Wait, didn't I see that on Law and Order? They don't just make that stuff up. It says right on the commercial that it is ripped from the headlines, so it must be real.]
"It was inventive on his part, I'll give him that," Lewis said. [Inventive? Oh yeah. What a brilliant disguise - a fake badge, and a fake card. No one could ever see through that iron-clad subterfuge. He must have spent months planning every detail of that masterful heist. Look out Danny Ocean!]
The business card didn't have anyone's name on it, but the store gave officers surveillance video of the man.[Whose likeness is surprisingly accurate on video, since his brilliant disguise of badge and business card did not quite cover his face. Drat! A fabulous heist foiled again! Damn you technology! Damn you to hell!] Police are looking for him. [Why look for him? Just wait at the store. He'll be back to try again in 3 days.]
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)