Beauty Sera

Beauty queen ending reign on a sour note
2009 Miss Louisiana Teen USA to take crown Nov. 1
By Loresha Wilson • ljwilson@gannett.com • October 21, 2008 2:00 am

The reigning Miss Teen Louisiana [Seen here in the bottom photo] was preparing to hand over her crown to her successor in two weeks. Now, she's ending her reign on a sour note after being arrested over the weekend. [Scandalous. Why, no pageant winner has ever been so disgraced!]

Lindsey Evans, 18, has completed her year reign, and the 2009 Miss Louisiana Teen USA is set to take the crown Nov. 1. The pageant will be held in Lafayette on Oct. 31 and Nov. 1. [Where the reigning Miss Louisiana will be dressed up like a responsible adult for her Halloween costume. No one will ever recognize her in that costume.] RPM Production Inc., based in South Carolina, hosts the Miss Louisiana USA and the teen pageant, and officials were collecting information Monday about Evan's arrest and deciding whether she will keep the crown for the duration. [That WOULD be a harsh punishment to take her crown for, uh, 10 days. How ever will she survive that?] A spokeswoman for the company would only say, ["I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children."]"We do have to go through proper channels and make all the right decisions, but the title will be transferred Nov. 1 anyway."
Evans, of Blanchard, was arrested Saturday on charges that she and three others dined at a Bossier City restaurant and skipped out on the check, said Mark Natale, city spokesman. The teen also is charged with possession of marijuana. [Wait. Aren't you supposed to eat AFTER you smoke the weed?]
Attempts by The Times to reach Evans and her parents Monday were not successful. No one answered calls to their residence. [Ironic isn't it? The parents enter their kid in a pageant in order to get publicity, and when the publicity comes, it's not quite what they signed up for. Irony is funny.] The four women ordered food and ate at Posados on Old Minden Road, and they left the business at about 7 p.m. without paying their bill, Natale said. [Who can afford to pay for food when you have to buy weed too? I am sure her allowance just couldn't cover both.]
"Evans left her purse behind," Natale said. "The manager secured the purse and inside we found her driver's license and a small plastic bag of a green leafy substance believed to be marijuana." [Inside the bag of weed was a note saying "If found, please return to Lindsey Evans, Miss Teen Louisiana."] The women [I am sure that word is used loosely in this case.] returned to the restaurant a short time later to get the purse [Flash back 10 minutes in time and picture the look on her face when she realized the weed was at the restaurant. Here is how I imagine it went down...Lindsey: Ha ha ha. $5.00 for a quesadilla my @ss. Take that, crappy Mexican restaurant. ... Jordan: Yeah, you go girl. That was funny... Jennifer: Hey, I am feeling kinda naughty. Let's not wait to get back to Morgan's house to smoke the weed. Let's do it now. ... Morgan: That's a super idea Jennifer. Lindsey, where is that bag of weed you bought from the grubby homeless guy? ... Lindsey: It's right here in my pur...uh oh.] , and an officer recognized Evans from her driver's license as their vehicle entered the Posados parking lot. She was the front-seat passenger, Natale said. [Our story continues... Morgan: Oh crap, is this going to take like a million years? That crappy Mexican food is giving me some gastro-intestinal issues. ... Lindsey: Shut up bitch. I want my purse. It's a f*cking Prada, ok. ... Jennifer: Just run in real quick. I'll park next to this police car, so no one will see us. Everyone scooch down low in your seats ... Jordan: That's a totally awesome idea, Jen. You are so smart.... Lindsey: Ok. Like wait here and stuff and I'll run in real quick. ... Officer: Hey check out that little hotty right there. I bet she is a little minx. Wait, don't I know her from somewhere? ... Lindsey: Excuse me. Has anyone seen a Prada bag with no cash and a bag of weed inside it? ... Officer: Wait, aren't you Lindsey Evans, Miss Teen Louisiana? You are under arrest. Oh, and can I get your autograph. I think you are so hot. ... Lindsey: Like, no way creepy old guy in a uniform. Get away. ... Officer: Oh. Well here is your purse and your weed. Can I look in your car too? ... Lindsey: Like sure. There's nothing in there.] Police searched the vehicle and found marijuana and drug paraphernalia inside.
Miss Teen Louisiana USA was booked into the Bossier City Jail on one count each of possession of marijuana and theft, Natale said. She posted a $1,000 bond early Sunday. [Police are in the process of checking her prior record by cross referencing her mug shot with Girls Gone Wild videos.] Others arrested Saturday were Jordan James, 18; Jennifer Martin, 22; and Morgan Coleman, 18. [These other girls were released on their own recognizance after they flashed their boobs for some Mardi Gras beads and a key to the cell.]
Evans is a 2008 graduate of Northwood High School and attends Northwestern State University, majoring in broadcast journalism. [Her final project is going to be to interview someone who is locally well known, who commits a stupid crime, loses her reputation, and is publicly ridiculed. Too bad she doesn't know anyone like that.] She was 1st runner-up for Miss Louisiana Teen USA 2007. Evans is set to appear Jan. 14 in Bossier District Court. [Flash forward 1 year, Evans will be pregnant, out of school, and dancing at a truck stop nudie club off of I-49 in Natchitoches.]

Schweddy Sera

[Ed. Note: Even though this is not a story from America, it is way too funny not to include.]

'Battered' testicles on the menu in nutty e-cookbook
Wed Oct 1, 11:19 AM ET
LONDON (AFP) - Squeamish men look away now: a Serbian chef is bringing out Thursday a no-holds-barred guide to cuisine with a twist: "The Testicle Cookbook: Cooking With Balls." [Are there so few food products now that people are actually eating balls???]
Hailed as the world's first testicle recipe collection by e-book publishers YUDU, the cookbook includes author Ljubomir Erovic's favourite dishes, like testicle pizza, battered testicles and and barbecued testicles and giblets. [And don't forget that favorite holiday treat - Schweddy Balls!]
The e-book, available for download from the Internet, comes with handy video guides showing the Serb peeling the skin off testicles and slicing them up into bite-size chunks.
Several different animals, including stallions, ostriches, bulls, pigs and turkeys [and big ole corn-fed midwestern bo-hunks], get the Erovic treatment.
"Wash testicles thoroughly for 30-45 minutes, [C'mon now. That's not a recipe. That's just good hygiene.]" begins the recipe for testicles pie.
"Once softened, mince them in a mincer." [Or simply give them to your ex-wife. She will be happy to mince your balls for you.]
A "very sharp knife" is needed for traditional style testicles, which get boiled, cut up and deep fried in hot oil. [This process is otherwise known as divorce.]
Erovic, 45, may be self-taught in the art of testicle cuisine but his 20 years of "cooking with balls" make him a world authority in the field. [How proud his father must be.] "The tastiest testicles [aside from my own] in my opinion probably come from bulls, stallions or ostriches, although other people have their own favourites," he said.
"All testicles can be eaten -- except human, of course." [Well now Clarice, that is not exactly true now it is? Y'know, a census taker once tried to test me. I ate his testicles with some fava beans and a nice chianti. FFFT FFFFT FFFT FFFT.] Testicles are rich in testosterone [And some other unsavory substances] and they are believed to be a powerful aphrodisiac in countries such as Serbia and China. "The best for aphrodisiac properties are sheep and stallion testicles", said Erovic. [Old Man: "Yak loin. Good to keep the Yang up." ... Chandler Jarrell: "Hey man, nothin' wrong with my yang." ] And with the credit crunch kicking in, more people may give up their rump steaks and turn to testicles instead. [The economy really IS breaking people's balls.]
Erovic also organises the World Testicle Cooking Championship, held annually in Serbia since 2004. It draws in chefs from Australia, Bosnia-Hercegovina, Finland, Greece, Hungary, Norway and Serbia. [Margaret Jo McCullen: Hello. I'm Margaret Jo McCullen.
Teri Rialto: And I'm Teri Rialto.
Margaret Jo McCullen: And you're listening to..
Together: The Delicious Dish, on National Public Radio ...
Margeret Jo McCullen: Now, Teri, it's World Testicle Cooking Championship season again, our favorite time of the year.
Teri Rialto: And we have a very special guest today.
Margeret Jo McCullen: That's right, Teri. He's the owner of his own bakery, with a very, very cleaver name - Season's Eatings.
Teri Rialto: [ laughs ] That's really funny!
Margeret Jo McCullen: I know, it rhymes with Season's Greetings!
Teri Rialto: Please welcome the owner of Season's Eatings - Pete Schweddy.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Well Pete, Teri and I have been looking forward to having you on the show, 'cause we know you're the master of all kinds of Tournament goodies. Tell us about them.
Pete Schweddy: Well, there are lots of great treats this time of year - Zucchini Bread, Fruitcake.. but the thing that I most like to bring out this time of year are my Balls.
Teri Rialto: Mmm.. Balls.. Tell us about your Balls, Pete.
Pete Schweddy: Well, over at Season's Eatings, we have Balls for every taste. Stallion Balls, Bull Balls, Ostrich Balls.. you name it.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Wow! My mouth's watering just thinking about those Balls!
Teri Rialto: It's been years since I've seen any Balls.
Pete Schweddy: Would you like to see my Balls now?
Margeret Jo McCullen: Yeah. Whip them out.
Teri Rialto: Mmm.. wow.. you have some beautiful Balls.
Margeret Jo McCullen: They're bigger than I expected.
Pete Schweddy: A lot of people tell me that.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Look at that, Teri - the way they glisten.
Pete Schweddy: That's because make sure that each one of my Balls gets plenty of oil.
Margeret Jo McCullen: I can't help but, notice, Pete - your Balls are a little misshapen.
Pete Schweddy: That's because I rested them on a hot stove too long.
Teri Rialto: Can I touch your Balls.
Pete Schweddy: Go ahead. But be careful, they're very delicate.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Wow. I can't wait to get my mouth around his Balls.
Teri Rialto: [ sniffing ] Ooh.. I like the way your Balls smell.
Pete Schweddy: Do whatever you want to, ladies. My Balls are here for your pleasure.
Margeret Jo McCullen: [ chewing ] Wow, Pete.. I have to say - your Balls are so tender.
Pete Schweddy: Well, there's no beating my Balls. They're made from a secret Schweddy Family recipe. No one can resist my Schweddy Balls.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Wow.. Schweddy Balls. Nothing like a Schweddy Ball.
Teri Rialto: Good Balls.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Mmm.. good times.
Teri Rialto: Good times.]
One metric ton of testicles are prepared. "When not cooking or eating testicles, or helping others to do so, (Erovic) now runs a company involved in the maintenance of medical and dental equipment," the book said.