Perv Sera

Thanks to follower Beachterp for the heads up of this story. The orginal story, along with photos, can be seen on The Smoking Gun at http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2009/0205091doll1.html

Make sure you check out the pages after it, especially the one showing the police report at the end.

Blow-up Doll Party

Floridian nabbed for public ménage a trois with plastic partners

FEBRUARY 5--A Florida man was arrested yesterday after he was spotted fondling and making out with a pair of blow-up dolls in a supermarket parking lot. [Cops are always trying to front on the true playas! C'mon, don't hate the playa, hate the game.] Shoppers called cops [911: 911 Emergency Response. What's your emergency. ... Caller: Uh, yeah. There is a guy f**king a doll in the Publix parking lot. ... 911: Uh, ok ma'am. Stay on the phone with me. Can you describe him. ... Caller: Yes. He is a white male, early to mid 50s ... 911: Oooh yes. Caller: goofy look on his face, thin spikey hair... 911: Oooh yes. Keep going. ... Caller: He's wearing shorts with a hole in the crotch... 911: OOOOOHHHHH. YES! .... Caller: And he is having a doll's mouth rubbing up and down on his ...911: YES! YES! YES! OOOHHHH. Someone get me a cigarette.] when they spotted George Bartusek, 51, getting busy in the front seat of his 1998 Lincoln Town Car[What else is a pimp gonna drive], which was parked directly in front of a Publix store [Apparently this guy thought the store was called Pubix, and was coming to add to his collection]. Evidence photos showing Bartusek's inanimate partners were provided to TSG by the Cape Coral Police Department. According to a police report, witnesses told cops that Bartusek was "performing activity to two different blow up dolls[A man that sexy cannot be expected to be a one-doll man] in his vehicle that was consistent with masturbation and other simulated sexual activity." He was also spotted "aggressively" kissing [Dat's right. Gots ta keep his pimp hand strong] the dolls. When confronted by police, Bartusek said that he was headed to Target to "get some clothes for his dolls." [Of course. Dem hoes need some fly gear to get dat money. Everyone knows Target has the fliest gear anywhere.] Bartusek, charged with breach of peace, was wearing shorts with a three-inch opening "in the crotch area."[Poor guy. 3 inch opening corresponds with a 3 inch, er, nevermind] Of course, he "had no underwear on under the shorts,"[Of course!. Underwear is for suckas!] noted police. Bartusek is pictured at right in a Lee County Sheriff's Office mug shot.

Party Sera

Man accused of selling daughter for cash, beer

GREENFIELD, Calif. (AP) -- Police have arrested a Greenfield man for allegedly arranging to sell his 14-year-old daughter into marriage (So is this what all the Star Wars geeks are doing with all that money?) in exchange for $16,000, 100 cases of beer (That should last the better part of the weekend!) and several cases of meat. (If meat comes by the case, is that really the kind of meat you want to eat?) Police said they only learned of the deal after the 36-year-old man went to them to get his daughter back because payment wasn't made as promised. (What? Ack, hack, ugh, gulp...sorry I just almost choked on my lunch. Seriously WTF? Is this guy a genius or what? Here's the exchange: "Uh officer, I'd like to report a fraud. ....Ok, sir, what is the fraud. ... Well, see, I was having this big party, y'know, for the playoffs and stuff, and I needed some beer and snacks. I was a little short on cash and sold my kid to this guy for sixteen large, plus 100 cases of Bud and a bunch of cases of potted meat. But that bastard never paid me. ... Uh, wait, you sold a child? .. Yes sir. Got a great deal for her too. ... Are you f*cking kidding me? ... No sir. And this guy has a history of not paying for stuff. I sold him a bag of weed once and he owes me for that too. ... Sir, put your hands behind your back, please. ... What? What'd I do?" ) The man was arrested Sunday on suspicion of human trafficking. (His defense is that there was no trafficking because they walked.) Officers also arrested an 18-year-old man on suspicion of statutory rape. (His defense is that he doesn't even own a statue, so how could he have raped one. Plus who would even want to - they are cold and it causes abrasions.) Investigators believe the girl went willingly with the man (What?!?!?!?! Is a 14 year old capable of doing ANYTHING with a man willingly??? Are they freakin' kidding?), but she's under California's legal age of consent and can't legally marry. (So if she was over 18 it would be OK to sell her for booze and meat? Is that really what the police are implying here???) Police say arranged marriages involving underage girls have become a problem in this small Central Coast farming community. (So, just exactly how does this become a problem in the first place? Really? I guess all that in-breeding causes the impropriety gene to be eliminated from their DNA?)

Merry Sera

Mom insists daughters continue Santa photos
By EMILY KERN HEBERT
Advocate staff writer
Published: Dec 23, 2008

Sisters Ashley and Katie Swan started fussing about taking their picture with Santa Claus when they were around 11 or 12 years old. (which is about the time girls start to develop that 6th sense about men that introduces them to the creepiness that is The Mall Santa) But, with Ashley, 23, and working full time and Katie, 18, and a senior at St. Joseph’s Academy, the girls still haven’t gotten any relief from the family tradition. In fact, their mother, Merry Swan, is more determined than ever to have her little girls take their picture with Santa. She won’t let them have their Christmas presents until they do. (I am not sure which is worse...the Mom for extorting her children to sit on a mall Santa's lap, or the kids for doing it.)

“Now, it’s like bribery,” Merry Swan said. “This is how I feel — you have to do this until you get married,” (and of course once their potential suitors see this particular family fiasco, err, I mean tradition, the boys should be breaking down the door to marry into this fine family) she added. “This is my gift.” (And nothing says Christmas more than the look of humiliation on the faces of your adult children). The tradition started when Ashley was born. She took her picture by herself the first five years until the arrival of sister Katie. In Ashley’s picture at 20 months old, she looks on the verge of tears. ("And now 21 years later, the tears are still there, only pushed down...way down....way way down...I swear I'm gonna kill that bi....uh, someone get me my prozac now...I MEAN NOW...uh, wait, what ? Oh yes, It's a cute little tradition.") Years later, when Katie is about the same age, 26 months, she is crying on Santa’s lap while older sister Ashley looks on. (thinking to herself, "Cry all you want. You'll never get out. She won't let you. You're trapped. Forever.") In a couple of photos, Katie has braces. (And in others, she has bandages from her multiple suicide attempts. In one she even has eye patches from the year she tried to gouge her own eyes out with a candy cane. Good times.)
“I love to display them,” Merry Swan said. “You can see how they’ve grown and changed.” (As the years roll on you can see every ounce of happiness, childhood innocence, and the will to live being drained out of their faces. It's like Christmas magic!) The pictures come out every holiday season. “I’m big into memories. (But I smoked way to much weed and did way too much heroin, so rather than relying on my brain for memories, ...)I take pictures for everything,” Merry Swan said. She jokes that when she pulls out her camera, her friends tease her. They call her photos “Merry’s Memories.” (...to her face. And then she leaves the room, at which time the photos are called "That Crazy Bitch's Desperate Attempts to Cling to Her Own Misspent Youth by Demeaning her Adult Children into Feeling Like Toddlers.")
Last Christmas, the girls went to the Mall at Cortana to have their picture taken.
They were able to grab a pager and be buzzed when it was their turn rather than wait in line. When they approached Santa, however, they were turned away by employees because (it's insane to make your adult kids sit in Santa's lap, plus and it might violate the terms of Santa's probation) of their age — the cutoff age was 10.
“We said, ‘Do you really think we want to take it,’” Katie said. (HUH? If you don't want to do it, then simply don't do it. Oh wait, I forgot. You are a greedy dullard pimping yourself out to your mother so you can get presents). Luckily, Merry stepped in and the girls were allowed to take the picture. ("It places the girls on Santa's lap or it get the hose again!") So, will one of the girls have to continue the tradition alone when the other gets married (or kills herself)?
“Yes,” Ashley said. “I had to do it by myself the first five years.” “You were 5, you loved it,” Katie replied. Their mom reminds them that Ashley’s status as the older sister doesn’t guarantee that she’ll be married first. ("Now, now girls. No fussing, or Santa will put you on the naughty list. Now come along. Cinderella should be just about done washing our laundry and I want to get home in time to have her finish shaving my feet.") They all laugh. (And it's that certain uncomfortable laugh that they all share, knowing that each of them will live a long, lonely, unmarried life, their only true companion being a prescription pad.) “It’s not too bad,” Katie said. “It’s just embarrassing.” Especially when friends want to know when they are taking the picture so they can watch, she added. (Because nothing says true friendship more than laughing at someone as they pimp themselves for for a Hickory Farms cheese basket.) Added Ashley: “We complain about it, but if it’s what makes her happy (and what gets us our presents) and it’s the only thing she really wants (except, of course, a life, mental stability, and an non-manual "O" face every once in a while) , it’s not too much to ask.” Katie thinks maybe she’ll appreciate the photo collection more when she’s older. (and still single, sitting in her 1 bedroom apartment, with her 8 cats, belting down her 5th scotch as Drew Carey fires up the first Showcase Showdown.) “It’s just really embarrassing when standing in line with a bunch of 5-year-olds,” she said. ('So to play it off, we just pretend we have invisible kids with us, and the 5 year olds never know the difference. Ha! That'll teach them to laugh at me! Little f*ckers.")

Boozer Sera

I know it's been a while since I last blogged. Thanks for your patience. Here is the latest entry:

DWI suspect run over by own truck
Police: 'Significantly drunk' driver falls out of vehicle; pickup then rolls over man's legs
Jason Auslander The New Mexican


A 21-year-old allegedly drunken driver was run over by his own car Sunday afternoon after leading police on a chase and neglecting to put his truck in park after finally coming to a halt, police said Tuesday. Roy Aguilar — who narrowly missed crashing into two other oncoming motorists during the nearly 10-minute chase near Cochiti Lake — sustained only minor injuries [Why is it that no matter what happens, the drunks always sustain only minor injuries??] after he fell out of his Ford pickup and it rolled over his legs. "You could see how easily this guy could have killed somebody," said Department of Public Safety Secretary John Denko, who viewed a videotape of the pursuit Tuesday with reporters. [Yep. That's right. There is video. See it at www.santafenewmexican.com/video/ ] Aguilar first came to the attention of police when he was allegedly involved in a hit-and-run accident in the parking lot of Applebee's Neighborhood Grill and Bar [That gives their catch phrase "Feelin' Good in the Neighborhood" a whole new meaning, doesn't it?] on Cerrillos Road in Santa Fe, said Peter Olson, DPS spokesman. Not long after, drivers on Interstate 25 began calling the state police's Drunk Busters hot line [When they start to swerve, and it don't look good, who ya gonna call? Drunk Busters! ] and reporting Aguilar's erratic driving, he said.

State Police Officer Grace Romero found Aguilar parked by the side of N.M. 16 at the Cochiti exit from I-25, according to a videotape. Romero tried to contact Aguilar, but he started driving down N.M. 16, a two-lane road with dirt shoulders, toward Cochiti Lake, when he saw her. [It's always a good idea to compound your hit and run with drunk driving and then top it off with fleeing and eluding. ] Aguilar swerved all over the road — including driving completely in the oncoming lane at times — as Romero pursued him, the video shows.

Romero, who also attended Monday's news conference, said she was trying to alert oncoming traffic to Aguilar's erratic behavior by using the lights on her patrol car. [Because they would see that better than the crazy nut-job swerving all over the place? ] After pursuing Aguilar for a couple of minutes, he abruptly sped up to more than 70 mph , when his truck veered off the road to the right dirt shoulder, then swerved across the road to the left. [Woo-hoo! Look at me! I am writing my name in tire tracks! Woo hoo!] A sport-utility vehicle coming toward him at the time — which contained a couple on their way back from church [Could it be more stereotypical?? Kinda reminds you of Homer Simpson and Ned Flanders.] in Peña Blanca — drove off the road to its left, and Aguilar swerved just in front of it, narrowly missing crashing into it. Aguilar then drove way off the road to the left, before swerving back across the road to the right side — this time cutting behind another sport-utility vehicle and just barely missing it. [Wait! I gotta dot the "i". Woo Hoo!] Aguilar then drove across the ditch to the right of the road, through a barbed-wire fence, and continued across the dirt and scrub in a cloud of dust. He drove on the dirt for another minute or so before coming to a stop. [Think about that...60+ seconds is a long time to drive before you realize you are no longer on the highway (as if crashing through the barbed wire was not the first clue).] But instead of putting the truck in "park," Aguilar instead put the gearshift in "reverse," [Stupid shifter!] then opened the door, put one foot down and crumpled to the ground. [Some laws can be broken, but gravity ain't one of 'em.] As he lay on the dirt, the truck rolled over his left leg and both his ankles [If it rolled over both ankles, isn't that the same thing as rolling over both legs?].

Romero quickly exited her car, checked briefly on Aguilar, then went after the truck, which she said had begun moving relatively quickly in reverse. [Thank goodness she took that truck ropin' class at the academy.] When she entered the truck cab to stop it, she found the seat soaked with urine, she said. [Mmmmm. Urine. So warm and squishy. I bet her uniform was comfy then. And just imagine the smell - alcohol+urine+sweaty man+New Mexico heat...well that's just a recipe that will tickle even the most discriminating nose!] She also found a 1.75 liter bottle of vodka that was three-quarters gone, she said. [So let's do the math, shall we class - There are roughly 17 shots in a standard 750 ml bottle. (Yes I looked it up on line.) So that would equate to roughly 40 shots in a 1.75 L bottle. If he drank 3/4 of that, it would be roughly 30 shots of liquor. WOW. ] When she went back to Aguilar, he was conscious [That in and of itself is a miracle.] and "a little combative," Romero said. He had a chunk of cactus in his head [This must be where he hit his head on the cactus trying to catch that stupid roadrunner. Beep Beep.] and was trying without much luck to get up off the ground, she said. [He should have ordered the Acme anti-gravity boots.] Aguilar was able to tell the officer his first name was Roy, though he couldn't tell her his last name,[that's Roy E. Coyote, Super Genius] Romero said. His speech was slurred and his eyes were glassy and red, she said. Six hours later, Aguilar told the officer he thought he had gotten off the interstate at the Santo Domingo exit, Romero said. [And everyone knows the Santo Domingo exit has barbed wire at the entrance and turns into a dirt field. C'mon! What is this, a witch hunt!]

He likely sustained only minor injuries to his legs because the dirt in the area where he was run over was very soft, she said. Police later drew blood from Aguilar, and though they didn't release his blood alcohol content Monday, Denko said he was "significantly drunk." [Fantastic police work, guys!] Denko and State Police Chief Faron Segotta cited the Drunk Buster hot line — #394 (DWI) [I wonder how many accidents are caused each year by people looking at their phones while driving and trying to figure out which numbers are D-W-I on the keypad.]on a cell phone — as proof that New Mexicans are fighting the state's DWI epidemic. [But apparently wholly unconcerned with the State's talking on a phone while driving epidemic] "We have a lot of people who have consumed this much alcohol on our streets," Denko said [That must be a direct quote from the Chamber of Commerce's promo materials. Come to New Mexico and drink your face off. The rest of are.] . Alcohol-related fatalities have fallen 25 percent this year over last, both men said, which is proof that law-enforcement and community efforts to combat the problem are working. Aguilar was charged with aggravated driving while intoxicated, aggravated fleeing from police, careless driving and not wearing a seat belt [as well as public urination, olfactory assault on an officer, malicious destruction of property (for the officer's soiled uniform). And by the way, what happened with the original hit and run at Applebee's?]. He was also cited for driving on a suspended or revoked license. In addition, he was arrested on a bench warrant from San Juan County Magistrate Court that charged failure to appear on an original count of consuming or possessing an open container of alcohol [GASP! Say it ain't so! Not another alcohol violation. Sad part is that he'll get his jail time suspended, go on probation, have to attend AA meetings and alcohol classes, and maybe even a safe driver course, and when he leaves court that day, it's straight back to Applebee's for a little happy hour celebration!], according to online court records.

Beauty Sera

Beauty queen ending reign on a sour note
2009 Miss Louisiana Teen USA to take crown Nov. 1
By Loresha Wilson • ljwilson@gannett.com • October 21, 2008 2:00 am

The reigning Miss Teen Louisiana [Seen here in the bottom photo] was preparing to hand over her crown to her successor in two weeks. Now, she's ending her reign on a sour note after being arrested over the weekend. [Scandalous. Why, no pageant winner has ever been so disgraced!]

Lindsey Evans, 18, has completed her year reign, and the 2009 Miss Louisiana Teen USA is set to take the crown Nov. 1. The pageant will be held in Lafayette on Oct. 31 and Nov. 1. [Where the reigning Miss Louisiana will be dressed up like a responsible adult for her Halloween costume. No one will ever recognize her in that costume.] RPM Production Inc., based in South Carolina, hosts the Miss Louisiana USA and the teen pageant, and officials were collecting information Monday about Evan's arrest and deciding whether she will keep the crown for the duration. [That WOULD be a harsh punishment to take her crown for, uh, 10 days. How ever will she survive that?] A spokeswoman for the company would only say, ["I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children."]"We do have to go through proper channels and make all the right decisions, but the title will be transferred Nov. 1 anyway."
Evans, of Blanchard, was arrested Saturday on charges that she and three others dined at a Bossier City restaurant and skipped out on the check, said Mark Natale, city spokesman. The teen also is charged with possession of marijuana. [Wait. Aren't you supposed to eat AFTER you smoke the weed?]
Attempts by The Times to reach Evans and her parents Monday were not successful. No one answered calls to their residence. [Ironic isn't it? The parents enter their kid in a pageant in order to get publicity, and when the publicity comes, it's not quite what they signed up for. Irony is funny.] The four women ordered food and ate at Posados on Old Minden Road, and they left the business at about 7 p.m. without paying their bill, Natale said. [Who can afford to pay for food when you have to buy weed too? I am sure her allowance just couldn't cover both.]
"Evans left her purse behind," Natale said. "The manager secured the purse and inside we found her driver's license and a small plastic bag of a green leafy substance believed to be marijuana." [Inside the bag of weed was a note saying "If found, please return to Lindsey Evans, Miss Teen Louisiana."] The women [I am sure that word is used loosely in this case.] returned to the restaurant a short time later to get the purse [Flash back 10 minutes in time and picture the look on her face when she realized the weed was at the restaurant. Here is how I imagine it went down...Lindsey: Ha ha ha. $5.00 for a quesadilla my @ss. Take that, crappy Mexican restaurant. ... Jordan: Yeah, you go girl. That was funny... Jennifer: Hey, I am feeling kinda naughty. Let's not wait to get back to Morgan's house to smoke the weed. Let's do it now. ... Morgan: That's a super idea Jennifer. Lindsey, where is that bag of weed you bought from the grubby homeless guy? ... Lindsey: It's right here in my pur...uh oh.] , and an officer recognized Evans from her driver's license as their vehicle entered the Posados parking lot. She was the front-seat passenger, Natale said. [Our story continues... Morgan: Oh crap, is this going to take like a million years? That crappy Mexican food is giving me some gastro-intestinal issues. ... Lindsey: Shut up bitch. I want my purse. It's a f*cking Prada, ok. ... Jennifer: Just run in real quick. I'll park next to this police car, so no one will see us. Everyone scooch down low in your seats ... Jordan: That's a totally awesome idea, Jen. You are so smart.... Lindsey: Ok. Like wait here and stuff and I'll run in real quick. ... Officer: Hey check out that little hotty right there. I bet she is a little minx. Wait, don't I know her from somewhere? ... Lindsey: Excuse me. Has anyone seen a Prada bag with no cash and a bag of weed inside it? ... Officer: Wait, aren't you Lindsey Evans, Miss Teen Louisiana? You are under arrest. Oh, and can I get your autograph. I think you are so hot. ... Lindsey: Like, no way creepy old guy in a uniform. Get away. ... Officer: Oh. Well here is your purse and your weed. Can I look in your car too? ... Lindsey: Like sure. There's nothing in there.] Police searched the vehicle and found marijuana and drug paraphernalia inside.
Miss Teen Louisiana USA was booked into the Bossier City Jail on one count each of possession of marijuana and theft, Natale said. She posted a $1,000 bond early Sunday. [Police are in the process of checking her prior record by cross referencing her mug shot with Girls Gone Wild videos.] Others arrested Saturday were Jordan James, 18; Jennifer Martin, 22; and Morgan Coleman, 18. [These other girls were released on their own recognizance after they flashed their boobs for some Mardi Gras beads and a key to the cell.]
Evans is a 2008 graduate of Northwood High School and attends Northwestern State University, majoring in broadcast journalism. [Her final project is going to be to interview someone who is locally well known, who commits a stupid crime, loses her reputation, and is publicly ridiculed. Too bad she doesn't know anyone like that.] She was 1st runner-up for Miss Louisiana Teen USA 2007. Evans is set to appear Jan. 14 in Bossier District Court. [Flash forward 1 year, Evans will be pregnant, out of school, and dancing at a truck stop nudie club off of I-49 in Natchitoches.]

Schweddy Sera

[Ed. Note: Even though this is not a story from America, it is way too funny not to include.]

'Battered' testicles on the menu in nutty e-cookbook
Wed Oct 1, 11:19 AM ET
LONDON (AFP) - Squeamish men look away now: a Serbian chef is bringing out Thursday a no-holds-barred guide to cuisine with a twist: "The Testicle Cookbook: Cooking With Balls." [Are there so few food products now that people are actually eating balls???]
Hailed as the world's first testicle recipe collection by e-book publishers YUDU, the cookbook includes author Ljubomir Erovic's favourite dishes, like testicle pizza, battered testicles and and barbecued testicles and giblets. [And don't forget that favorite holiday treat - Schweddy Balls!]
The e-book, available for download from the Internet, comes with handy video guides showing the Serb peeling the skin off testicles and slicing them up into bite-size chunks.
Several different animals, including stallions, ostriches, bulls, pigs and turkeys [and big ole corn-fed midwestern bo-hunks], get the Erovic treatment.
"Wash testicles thoroughly for 30-45 minutes, [C'mon now. That's not a recipe. That's just good hygiene.]" begins the recipe for testicles pie.
"Once softened, mince them in a mincer." [Or simply give them to your ex-wife. She will be happy to mince your balls for you.]
A "very sharp knife" is needed for traditional style testicles, which get boiled, cut up and deep fried in hot oil. [This process is otherwise known as divorce.]
Erovic, 45, may be self-taught in the art of testicle cuisine but his 20 years of "cooking with balls" make him a world authority in the field. [How proud his father must be.] "The tastiest testicles [aside from my own] in my opinion probably come from bulls, stallions or ostriches, although other people have their own favourites," he said.
"All testicles can be eaten -- except human, of course." [Well now Clarice, that is not exactly true now it is? Y'know, a census taker once tried to test me. I ate his testicles with some fava beans and a nice chianti. FFFT FFFFT FFFT FFFT.] Testicles are rich in testosterone [And some other unsavory substances] and they are believed to be a powerful aphrodisiac in countries such as Serbia and China. "The best for aphrodisiac properties are sheep and stallion testicles", said Erovic. [Old Man: "Yak loin. Good to keep the Yang up." ... Chandler Jarrell: "Hey man, nothin' wrong with my yang." ] And with the credit crunch kicking in, more people may give up their rump steaks and turn to testicles instead. [The economy really IS breaking people's balls.]
Erovic also organises the World Testicle Cooking Championship, held annually in Serbia since 2004. It draws in chefs from Australia, Bosnia-Hercegovina, Finland, Greece, Hungary, Norway and Serbia. [Margaret Jo McCullen: Hello. I'm Margaret Jo McCullen.
Teri Rialto: And I'm Teri Rialto.
Margaret Jo McCullen: And you're listening to..
Together: The Delicious Dish, on National Public Radio ...
Margeret Jo McCullen: Now, Teri, it's World Testicle Cooking Championship season again, our favorite time of the year.
Teri Rialto: And we have a very special guest today.
Margeret Jo McCullen: That's right, Teri. He's the owner of his own bakery, with a very, very cleaver name - Season's Eatings.
Teri Rialto: [ laughs ] That's really funny!
Margeret Jo McCullen: I know, it rhymes with Season's Greetings!
Teri Rialto: Please welcome the owner of Season's Eatings - Pete Schweddy.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Well Pete, Teri and I have been looking forward to having you on the show, 'cause we know you're the master of all kinds of Tournament goodies. Tell us about them.
Pete Schweddy: Well, there are lots of great treats this time of year - Zucchini Bread, Fruitcake.. but the thing that I most like to bring out this time of year are my Balls.
Teri Rialto: Mmm.. Balls.. Tell us about your Balls, Pete.
Pete Schweddy: Well, over at Season's Eatings, we have Balls for every taste. Stallion Balls, Bull Balls, Ostrich Balls.. you name it.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Wow! My mouth's watering just thinking about those Balls!
Teri Rialto: It's been years since I've seen any Balls.
Pete Schweddy: Would you like to see my Balls now?
Margeret Jo McCullen: Yeah. Whip them out.
Teri Rialto: Mmm.. wow.. you have some beautiful Balls.
Margeret Jo McCullen: They're bigger than I expected.
Pete Schweddy: A lot of people tell me that.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Look at that, Teri - the way they glisten.
Pete Schweddy: That's because make sure that each one of my Balls gets plenty of oil.
Margeret Jo McCullen: I can't help but, notice, Pete - your Balls are a little misshapen.
Pete Schweddy: That's because I rested them on a hot stove too long.
Teri Rialto: Can I touch your Balls.
Pete Schweddy: Go ahead. But be careful, they're very delicate.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Wow. I can't wait to get my mouth around his Balls.
Teri Rialto: [ sniffing ] Ooh.. I like the way your Balls smell.
Pete Schweddy: Do whatever you want to, ladies. My Balls are here for your pleasure.
Margeret Jo McCullen: [ chewing ] Wow, Pete.. I have to say - your Balls are so tender.
Pete Schweddy: Well, there's no beating my Balls. They're made from a secret Schweddy Family recipe. No one can resist my Schweddy Balls.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Wow.. Schweddy Balls. Nothing like a Schweddy Ball.
Teri Rialto: Good Balls.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Mmm.. good times.
Teri Rialto: Good times.]
One metric ton of testicles are prepared. "When not cooking or eating testicles, or helping others to do so, (Erovic) now runs a company involved in the maintenance of medical and dental equipment," the book said.

Booby Sera

Mama's milk ice cream cone, anyone?

By JOHN CURRAN Associated Press Writer
WATERBURY, Vt. (AP) -- Mooove over, Holsteins. PETA [These folks are now officially off the reservation.] wants world-famous Ben & Jerry's Homemade Ice Cream to tap nursing moms, rather than cows, for the milk used in its ice cream. [Breast milk ice cream? - talk about your Chubby Hubby!]
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is asking the ice cream maker to begin using breast milk in its products instead of cow's milk, saying it would reduce the suffering of cows and calves [at the expense of the suffering of nursing mothers?? ] and give ice cream lovers a healthier product. [Assuming of course that the mom did not ingest any alcohol, caffeine, sedatives, anti-depressants, and had a healthy diet, and that she was disease-free, and that she had no self -esteem, no sense of self worth, and was not in her right mind.] The idea got a cool reception Thursday from Ben & Jerry's officials, the company's customers and even La Leche League International, [naturally, because it is, uh, kinda creepy] the world's oldest breast-feeding support organization, which promotes the practice - for babies, anyway.
PETA wrote a letter to company founders Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield on Tuesday, telling them cow's milk is hazardous and that milking them is cruel. [So to save the cows' feelings, you should instead gather up a bunch of nursing Moms, herd them together like cattle, regulate their diets, and attach them to milking machines, all the while depriving their infants of the milk that would otherwise be fed to them. That's a great plan. The cows will feel better and the women involved will in no way feel belittled, dehumanized, depersonalized, insulted, objectified, humiliated, embarrassed or mistreated.] "If Ben and Jerry's replaced the cow's milk in its ice cream with breast milk, your customers - and cows - would reap the benefits, [plus you could corner the market on creepy fetish fat guys] " wrote Tracy Reiman, executive vice president of the animal rights advocacy group. She said dairy products have been linked to juvenile diabetes, allergies and obesity.
Ashley Byrne, a campaign coordinator for PETA, acknowledged the implausibility of substituting breast milk for cow's milk, but said it's no stranger than humans consuming the milk of another species. [BS Translation: Yeah, we know this is a stupid idea, but we're PETA, so stupid ideas are our forte.] "We're aware this idea is somewhat absurd[Somewhat? I don't think that covers it.], and that putting it into practice is a stretch. [You think?] At the time same, it's pretty absurd for us to be drinking the milk of cows [Yeah, that is pretty absurd. It has only been done for centuries, and the cows really seem to bothered by it. Why, just the other day one of the Chick-Fil-A cows said that she was tired of being objectified]," she said. It takes about 12 pounds - or 1 1/2 gallons of milk - to make a gallon of ice cream. Ben & Jerry's, which gets its milk exclusively from Vermont cows, won't say how much milk it uses or how much ice cream it sells.
As a standardized product under federal regulations, ice cream must be made with milk from healthy cows. Ice cream made from goat's milk, for example, would have to be labeled as such.
Presumably, so would mother's milk ice cream.
To Ben & Jerry's, the idea is udderly ridiculous. [Really? Did that just say "udderly"? Reporters should leave the comedy to the comedians.]
"We applaud PETA's novel approach to bringing attention to an issue, but we believe a mother's milk is best used for her child," [BS Translation: These folks are completely crazy but I am not allowed to say that publicly, so I am saying this instead.] spokesman Sean Greenwood said in an e-mail. He didn't respond to requests for an interview. [Who wants to interview him about this? Is this really news? The economy is collapsing, the election is coming closer, the war in Iraq is a constant issue, prices are going up, incomes are going down, houses are being foreclosed upon in record numbers, and this reporter wants to interview Ben and Jerry about the feasibility of Boob Flavored ice cream?]
Leon Berthiaume, general manager of the St. Albans Cooperative Creamery, which provides milk products to Ben & Jerry's, called the dairy products "among the safest in the world."
"Milk from cows has long-term health benefits and has been proven to be safe and healthy and an important part of the American diet for generations," he said. "I'm not ready to make that change." [Plus it's a stupid idea - there's that too.]
Cow's milk and mother's milk aren't interchangeable, according to La Leche spokeswoman Jane Crouse, who says breast milk is a dynamic substance that's different with each woman and each child and might have difficulty being processed into ice cream. [Of course they are not interchangeable. If they were, it would have been done by now.]
Then there's the question of who would provide the milk, and whether they'd be paid. [Is there really that question? How does the inquiry even get that far? Here is how far the inquiry should get...PETA: "Hey, you should make ice cream out of breast milk." ... Ben and Jerry: "BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh wait, you're serious? BWAHAHAHAHAHA."]
"Some women feel compelled to donate milk to a milk bank for adopted babies, or for someone who's ill or unable to breast feed. There's plenty of anecdotal evidence about sisters who nurse each others' babies. There's a population of women very willing to share their milk. Whether there's enough to do it for a commercial entity, who can say?" she said. [No one can say! No one should say!]
At the Ben & Jerry's factory in Waterbury, consumers gave a collective "Ewww" to the idea Thursday.
"It's kind of creepy," said Jeff Waugh, 42, of Dayton, Ohio. [Thank you Mr. Waugh! That's what I said.]
"I think it's a little nutty," said the Rev. Roger Wooton, 83, of Malden, Mass., finishing up a cup of Heath Bar Crunch. [Yes Reverend, it is more than a little nutty.]
"How would they get all that milk?" said his wife, Jane Wooton, 77. [Why are you even thinking about those logistics, Ms. Wooten? You should go back to knitting quilts and baking dessert squares for the Sunday fundraiser.]
Jen Wahlbrink, 34, of Phoenix, who breast-fed her 11-month-old son, Cameron, said she wouldn't touch ice cream made from mother's milk. She remembers her nursing days - and not that fondly.
"The (breast) pumps just weren't that much fun. You really do feel like a cow," she said, cradling her son in her hands. [and feeling like a cow should be reserved for cows. That is why they are cows. If cows were meant to be treated like people, they would be people.]