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Mama's milk ice cream cone, anyone?
By JOHN CURRAN Associated Press Writer
WATERBURY, Vt. (AP) -- Mooove over, Holsteins. PETA [These folks are now officially off the reservation.] wants world-famous Ben & Jerry's Homemade Ice Cream to tap nursing moms, rather than cows, for the milk used in its ice cream. [Breast milk ice cream? - talk about your Chubby Hubby!]
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is asking the ice cream maker to begin using breast milk in its products instead of cow's milk, saying it would reduce the suffering of cows and calves [at the expense of the suffering of nursing mothers?? ] and give ice cream lovers a healthier product. [Assuming of course that the mom did not ingest any alcohol, caffeine, sedatives, anti-depressants, and had a healthy diet, and that she was disease-free, and that she had no self -esteem, no sense of self worth, and was not in her right mind.] The idea got a cool reception Thursday from Ben & Jerry's officials, the company's customers and even La Leche League International, [naturally, because it is, uh, kinda creepy] the world's oldest breast-feeding support organization, which promotes the practice - for babies, anyway.
PETA wrote a letter to company founders Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield on Tuesday, telling them cow's milk is hazardous and that milking them is cruel. [So to save the cows' feelings, you should instead gather up a bunch of nursing Moms, herd them together like cattle, regulate their diets, and attach them to milking machines, all the while depriving their infants of the milk that would otherwise be fed to them. That's a great plan. The cows will feel better and the women involved will in no way feel belittled, dehumanized, depersonalized, insulted, objectified, humiliated, embarrassed or mistreated.] "If Ben and Jerry's replaced the cow's milk in its ice cream with breast milk, your customers - and cows - would reap the benefits, [plus you could corner the market on creepy fetish fat guys] " wrote Tracy Reiman, executive vice president of the animal rights advocacy group. She said dairy products have been linked to juvenile diabetes, allergies and obesity.
Ashley Byrne, a campaign coordinator for PETA, acknowledged the implausibility of substituting breast milk for cow's milk, but said it's no stranger than humans consuming the milk of another species. [BS Translation: Yeah, we know this is a stupid idea, but we're PETA, so stupid ideas are our forte.] "We're aware this idea is somewhat absurd[Somewhat? I don't think that covers it.], and that putting it into practice is a stretch. [You think?] At the time same, it's pretty absurd for us to be drinking the milk of cows [Yeah, that is pretty absurd. It has only been done for centuries, and the cows really seem to bothered by it. Why, just the other day one of the Chick-Fil-A cows said that she was tired of being objectified]," she said. It takes about 12 pounds - or 1 1/2 gallons of milk - to make a gallon of ice cream. Ben & Jerry's, which gets its milk exclusively from Vermont cows, won't say how much milk it uses or how much ice cream it sells.
As a standardized product under federal regulations, ice cream must be made with milk from healthy cows. Ice cream made from goat's milk, for example, would have to be labeled as such.
Presumably, so would mother's milk ice cream.
To Ben & Jerry's, the idea is udderly ridiculous. [Really? Did that just say "udderly"? Reporters should leave the comedy to the comedians.]
"We applaud PETA's novel approach to bringing attention to an issue, but we believe a mother's milk is best used for her child," [BS Translation: These folks are completely crazy but I am not allowed to say that publicly, so I am saying this instead.] spokesman Sean Greenwood said in an e-mail. He didn't respond to requests for an interview. [Who wants to interview him about this? Is this really news? The economy is collapsing, the election is coming closer, the war in Iraq is a constant issue, prices are going up, incomes are going down, houses are being foreclosed upon in record numbers, and this reporter wants to interview Ben and Jerry about the feasibility of Boob Flavored ice cream?]
Leon Berthiaume, general manager of the St. Albans Cooperative Creamery, which provides milk products to Ben & Jerry's, called the dairy products "among the safest in the world."
"Milk from cows has long-term health benefits and has been proven to be safe and healthy and an important part of the American diet for generations," he said. "I'm not ready to make that change." [Plus it's a stupid idea - there's that too.]
Cow's milk and mother's milk aren't interchangeable, according to La Leche spokeswoman Jane Crouse, who says breast milk is a dynamic substance that's different with each woman and each child and might have difficulty being processed into ice cream. [Of course they are not interchangeable. If they were, it would have been done by now.]
Then there's the question of who would provide the milk, and whether they'd be paid. [Is there really that question? How does the inquiry even get that far? Here is how far the inquiry should get...PETA: "Hey, you should make ice cream out of breast milk." ... Ben and Jerry: "BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh wait, you're serious? BWAHAHAHAHAHA."]
"Some women feel compelled to donate milk to a milk bank for adopted babies, or for someone who's ill or unable to breast feed. There's plenty of anecdotal evidence about sisters who nurse each others' babies. There's a population of women very willing to share their milk. Whether there's enough to do it for a commercial entity, who can say?" she said. [No one can say! No one should say!]
At the Ben & Jerry's factory in Waterbury, consumers gave a collective "Ewww" to the idea Thursday.
"It's kind of creepy," said Jeff Waugh, 42, of Dayton, Ohio. [Thank you Mr. Waugh! That's what I said.]
"I think it's a little nutty," said the Rev. Roger Wooton, 83, of Malden, Mass., finishing up a cup of Heath Bar Crunch. [Yes Reverend, it is more than a little nutty.]
"How would they get all that milk?" said his wife, Jane Wooton, 77. [Why are you even thinking about those logistics, Ms. Wooten? You should go back to knitting quilts and baking dessert squares for the Sunday fundraiser.]
Jen Wahlbrink, 34, of Phoenix, who breast-fed her 11-month-old son, Cameron, said she wouldn't touch ice cream made from mother's milk. She remembers her nursing days - and not that fondly.
"The (breast) pumps just weren't that much fun. You really do feel like a cow," she said, cradling her son in her hands. [and feeling like a cow should be reserved for cows. That is why they are cows. If cows were meant to be treated like people, they would be people.]
Friday, September 26, 2008
Fart-a Sera
Charge dropped against man accused of passing gas
CHARLESTON, W.Va. (AP) -- A West Virginia man accused of passing gas and fanning it toward a police officer [What? No dutch oven? No cupping and throwing?] no longer faces a battery charge. [Battery? That is some heavy gas!] The Kanawha County prosecutor's office requested that the charge be dropped against 34-year-old Jose Cruz. [because no one wants to prosecute a case where a fart was the weapon...could you imagine trying to admit that evidence at trial?..."Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, in this jar holds the gas the defendant used to batter the officer. I will open it for you all to smell. Please use extreme caution, as the defendant ate two chili cheese burritos, a 7-11 big bite, and 3 pickled eggs, and drank 8 Budweisers before this gas was expelled.]
According to a criminal complaint, Cruz passed gas and made a fanning motion toward patrolman T.E. Parsons after being taken to the police station for a breathalyzer test. Cruz denies fanning the gas [this SBD crept over there on its own] and says his request to use a restroom when first arriving at the station was denied. [Just goes to show you why you should go to the bathroom BEFORE you leave the house, kids.]
An assistant says Magistrate Jack Pauley signed a motion to dismiss the charge Thursday.
Cruz, who was arrested Tuesday, still faces driving under the influence and other charges. [such as negligent digestion, involuntary nose-slaughter, malicious destruction of nasal hairs, littering, and a violation of the noise ordinance.]
CHARLESTON, W.Va. (AP) -- A West Virginia man accused of passing gas and fanning it toward a police officer [What? No dutch oven? No cupping and throwing?] no longer faces a battery charge. [Battery? That is some heavy gas!] The Kanawha County prosecutor's office requested that the charge be dropped against 34-year-old Jose Cruz. [because no one wants to prosecute a case where a fart was the weapon...could you imagine trying to admit that evidence at trial?..."Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, in this jar holds the gas the defendant used to batter the officer. I will open it for you all to smell. Please use extreme caution, as the defendant ate two chili cheese burritos, a 7-11 big bite, and 3 pickled eggs, and drank 8 Budweisers before this gas was expelled.]
According to a criminal complaint, Cruz passed gas and made a fanning motion toward patrolman T.E. Parsons after being taken to the police station for a breathalyzer test. Cruz denies fanning the gas [this SBD crept over there on its own] and says his request to use a restroom when first arriving at the station was denied. [Just goes to show you why you should go to the bathroom BEFORE you leave the house, kids.]
An assistant says Magistrate Jack Pauley signed a motion to dismiss the charge Thursday.
Cruz, who was arrested Tuesday, still faces driving under the influence and other charges. [such as negligent digestion, involuntary nose-slaughter, malicious destruction of nasal hairs, littering, and a violation of the noise ordinance.]
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Fat Assera
These New Seats in Dallas Is Texas-Sized
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
The Dallas Cowboys are America's team for so many reasons: their consistent excellence as a franchise, their brash, bold style, and most importantly, because they insist on calling themselves "America's team." [And who are we to argue with them, right? Don't mess with Texas!] Being the polite people that we are, Americans are generally too nice to argue with the men, especially when they're waving guns and a-whoopin' and a-hollerin' as cowboys are wont to do. (Americans: smart, as well.)
The Cowboys are also America's team, because they made the seats in their new stadium for fat people. [Walk through any public place in this country and you'll see the truth in that statement!]
All the seats at the new stadium are between 19 and 20½ inches wide[They make everything big in Texas!] compared to the 17- and 18-inch wide seats at Texas Stadium. Mock them if you like [And I do like], but the plain facts are inescapable and weighty: your butt is substantially bigger than the hindparts of your forebears [which might have something to do with the pathetically lazy Big Mac culture we have become], and if you want demonstrable proof, try going to Wrigley Field or to Notre Dame and squeezing yourself into a seat . It's an exercise in embarrassment [and God knows Americans don't exercise much, so they probably don't care] even for the svelte among us, since as a whole Americans at this moment are fatter than we've ever been. [C'mon now. America is only 232 years old. That's young compared to other countries. Maybe it's just baby fat and we'll grow out of it. ] You might as well make your stadium to fit rather than attempting to enforce virtue through architecture. [Heaven forbid we actually shun obesity and laziness.] Now, if we could just bring back the wearing of pants pulled up to your sternum [that is, outside of the engineering department at your local college], we could dispense with this whole notion of "not being horrifically obese" altogether, and head down to our spacious NFL stadiums wearing zoot suits and driving golf carts in lieu of pesky, tiring walking. [They are already doing that at Disney World. It is downright shocking the number of morbidly obese sloths tooling around the Magic Kingdom in electric powered Pork-Mobiles with a 64 oz. Diet Coke in one hand, 3 scoops of ice cream in the other, and 4 pounds of fudge stowed in the carry basket in the front.]
The Cowboys are also America's team, because they made the seats in their new stadium for fat people. [Walk through any public place in this country and you'll see the truth in that statement!]
All the seats at the new stadium are between 19 and 20½ inches wide[They make everything big in Texas!] compared to the 17- and 18-inch wide seats at Texas Stadium. Mock them if you like [And I do like], but the plain facts are inescapable and weighty: your butt is substantially bigger than the hindparts of your forebears [which might have something to do with the pathetically lazy Big Mac culture we have become], and if you want demonstrable proof, try going to Wrigley Field or to Notre Dame and squeezing yourself into a seat . It's an exercise in embarrassment [and God knows Americans don't exercise much, so they probably don't care] even for the svelte among us, since as a whole Americans at this moment are fatter than we've ever been. [C'mon now. America is only 232 years old. That's young compared to other countries. Maybe it's just baby fat and we'll grow out of it. ] You might as well make your stadium to fit rather than attempting to enforce virtue through architecture. [Heaven forbid we actually shun obesity and laziness.] Now, if we could just bring back the wearing of pants pulled up to your sternum [that is, outside of the engineering department at your local college], we could dispense with this whole notion of "not being horrifically obese" altogether, and head down to our spacious NFL stadiums wearing zoot suits and driving golf carts in lieu of pesky, tiring walking. [They are already doing that at Disney World. It is downright shocking the number of morbidly obese sloths tooling around the Magic Kingdom in electric powered Pork-Mobiles with a 64 oz. Diet Coke in one hand, 3 scoops of ice cream in the other, and 4 pounds of fudge stowed in the carry basket in the front.]
Original story and photo taken from the Sporting News:
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Anger Sera
Woman Runs Herself Over In Dispute With Deputies
POSTED: 12:57 pm EDT September 15, 2008
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. -- A 63-year-old woman returned home from an area hospital on Monday, a day after she allegedly tried to run over a sheriff's deputy but ended up running over herself. [Just picture that in your head. That's funny.]
Mary Davis said she was trying to stop deputies from arresting her son when she lost control of the minivan. [Well duh. Everyone knows that the best way to keep your son from being arrested is to try to run over those who are trying to arrest him. ]
"It was just a freak accident," Davis said. [A freak accident? Yeah, if by that you mean an accident involving freakishly stupid people.]
Baker County deputies arrived at Davis' home on Sunday afternoon because of a domestic dispute involving her son and the mother of his children. [Note - not his wife, not his ex-wife, not his fiancee, not even his girlfriend...just the mother of his children - and they say America has lost its family values]
"I said, 'It's wrong that you're taking my son [so I gonna run your @ss over],'" Davis said.
She said that's when she told deputies if they were going to arrest her son, they would have to take her as well. [Also a great strategy for reasoning with the authorities...what did she think would happen?..."If you arrest my son, you have to arrest me too. ... Oh, no. We don't want to arrest you ma'am. What ever shall we do? ... We y'all better git on outta here then. ... Ok, ma'am. Since we don't want to arrest you, I guess we'll have to let your son go. Sorry to have disturbed you."]
"I was angry [Hmmm... Mom is angry about the son being arrested for domestic violence (no doubt anger related) ... The apple does not fall very far from the tree does it?] and I was just trying to get them to not take Clay because he hadn't done anything," Davis said.
According to an incident report, Davis ran inside her house, grabbed her keys and jumped into her minivan. One of the deputies was trying to get her out of the vehicle when Davis put the van in reverse and put her foot on the gas. [I wonder if she blew her Dukes of Hazzard horn first.]
The report states, the corporal had to jump out of the way to avoid being hit by van's door, which was still open. The woman fell out of the van when it slammed into a lawnmower.
The van ran her over, and then rammed into a Baker County Sheriff's Office vehicle.
"I can't explain it. It just happened too fast. [BS Translation: I am a big, giant moron and I did something so incredibly stupid that the English language does not have words that will explain this in such a manner that I may avoid embarrassment.] When you get angry, upset, that's just how fast things can happen before you even know it," Davis said. [BS Translation: I am a big, giant moron and my mind processes information at such a slow rate that even paint drying seems to happen at a break-neck pace.] Davis did not break any bones during the incident. Charges are still pending in the case.
POSTED: 12:57 pm EDT September 15, 2008
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. -- A 63-year-old woman returned home from an area hospital on Monday, a day after she allegedly tried to run over a sheriff's deputy but ended up running over herself. [Just picture that in your head. That's funny.]
Mary Davis said she was trying to stop deputies from arresting her son when she lost control of the minivan. [Well duh. Everyone knows that the best way to keep your son from being arrested is to try to run over those who are trying to arrest him. ]
"It was just a freak accident," Davis said. [A freak accident? Yeah, if by that you mean an accident involving freakishly stupid people.]
Baker County deputies arrived at Davis' home on Sunday afternoon because of a domestic dispute involving her son and the mother of his children. [Note - not his wife, not his ex-wife, not his fiancee, not even his girlfriend...just the mother of his children - and they say America has lost its family values]
"I said, 'It's wrong that you're taking my son [so I gonna run your @ss over],'" Davis said.
She said that's when she told deputies if they were going to arrest her son, they would have to take her as well. [Also a great strategy for reasoning with the authorities...what did she think would happen?..."If you arrest my son, you have to arrest me too. ... Oh, no. We don't want to arrest you ma'am. What ever shall we do? ... We y'all better git on outta here then. ... Ok, ma'am. Since we don't want to arrest you, I guess we'll have to let your son go. Sorry to have disturbed you."]
"I was angry [Hmmm... Mom is angry about the son being arrested for domestic violence (no doubt anger related) ... The apple does not fall very far from the tree does it?] and I was just trying to get them to not take Clay because he hadn't done anything," Davis said.
According to an incident report, Davis ran inside her house, grabbed her keys and jumped into her minivan. One of the deputies was trying to get her out of the vehicle when Davis put the van in reverse and put her foot on the gas. [I wonder if she blew her Dukes of Hazzard horn first.]
The report states, the corporal had to jump out of the way to avoid being hit by van's door, which was still open. The woman fell out of the van when it slammed into a lawnmower.
The van ran her over, and then rammed into a Baker County Sheriff's Office vehicle.
"I can't explain it. It just happened too fast. [BS Translation: I am a big, giant moron and I did something so incredibly stupid that the English language does not have words that will explain this in such a manner that I may avoid embarrassment.] When you get angry, upset, that's just how fast things can happen before you even know it," Davis said. [BS Translation: I am a big, giant moron and my mind processes information at such a slow rate that even paint drying seems to happen at a break-neck pace.] Davis did not break any bones during the incident. Charges are still pending in the case.
Terror Sera
Oakland man gets 2 1/2 years for crank phone threats
(09-15) 16:50 PDT SAN FRANCISCO --
An Oakland man was sentenced today to 2 1/2 years in federal prison for threatening to blow up San Francisco City Hall and the Westfield Shopping Mall.
Devon Craft, 22, pleaded guilty in May to threatening to destroy property by explosives. He admitted that on July 13, 2006, he used a cell phone to place four 911 calls threatening "terrorist attacks" in San Francisco. [Really? In this day and age someone is dumb enough to do this?]
Craft admitted that he tried to disguise his voice by using a "Middle Eastern accent" [Because there is no way someone could see through his brilliantly executed fake accent] in his calls, during which he also threatened to blow up the "San Francisco Tribune" [There is no such paper as the San Francisco Tribune. What a genius!] and said innocent people would die, prosecutors said.
Craft also admitted to making threatening phone calls in June 2006 regarding attacks at the San Mateo and Dumbarton bridges "so that he could get time off work to visit his son at the hospital," prosecutors said. [Boss, can I have off? My son is in the hospital. ... No I am sorry. You can't. ... NO? That makes me very angry. And when I get angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset. And when Mr. Bigglesworth get upset, PEOPLE DIE!] Court records did not indicate how Craft believed the threats would provide him with time off. [Because no person with two brain cells in the same zip code could possibly following the logic of this plan.]
At a hearing today in San Francisco [It's a wonder that this genius did not pull the court's fire alarm to try to get out of his hearing], U.S. District Judge Marilyn Hall Patel ordered Craft to serve 30 months in federal [pound you in the @ss] prison. [where he can learn to be a proper criminal] The sentence will be on top of state-prison terms he is now serving for unrelated theft and robbery [He has a record? Shocking. ]in cases from Alameda County.
Authorities said Craft was sentenced to more than two years in state prison for store parking lot robberies in November 2006 in Alameda County. Craft grabbed women's backpacks, purses and handbags in the robberies, authorities said. [Wait a second here. This guy got 2 years for purse snatching, but only got 2 1/2 years for threatening to commit terrorist acts against 6 different targets on two separate days? Anyone else see the disparity there?]
(09-15) 16:50 PDT SAN FRANCISCO --
An Oakland man was sentenced today to 2 1/2 years in federal prison for threatening to blow up San Francisco City Hall and the Westfield Shopping Mall.
Devon Craft, 22, pleaded guilty in May to threatening to destroy property by explosives. He admitted that on July 13, 2006, he used a cell phone to place four 911 calls threatening "terrorist attacks" in San Francisco. [Really? In this day and age someone is dumb enough to do this?]
Craft admitted that he tried to disguise his voice by using a "Middle Eastern accent" [Because there is no way someone could see through his brilliantly executed fake accent] in his calls, during which he also threatened to blow up the "San Francisco Tribune" [There is no such paper as the San Francisco Tribune. What a genius!] and said innocent people would die, prosecutors said.
Craft also admitted to making threatening phone calls in June 2006 regarding attacks at the San Mateo and Dumbarton bridges "so that he could get time off work to visit his son at the hospital," prosecutors said. [Boss, can I have off? My son is in the hospital. ... No I am sorry. You can't. ... NO? That makes me very angry. And when I get angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset. And when Mr. Bigglesworth get upset, PEOPLE DIE!] Court records did not indicate how Craft believed the threats would provide him with time off. [Because no person with two brain cells in the same zip code could possibly following the logic of this plan.]
At a hearing today in San Francisco [It's a wonder that this genius did not pull the court's fire alarm to try to get out of his hearing], U.S. District Judge Marilyn Hall Patel ordered Craft to serve 30 months in federal [pound you in the @ss] prison. [where he can learn to be a proper criminal] The sentence will be on top of state-prison terms he is now serving for unrelated theft and robbery [He has a record? Shocking. ]in cases from Alameda County.
Authorities said Craft was sentenced to more than two years in state prison for store parking lot robberies in November 2006 in Alameda County. Craft grabbed women's backpacks, purses and handbags in the robberies, authorities said. [Wait a second here. This guy got 2 years for purse snatching, but only got 2 1/2 years for threatening to commit terrorist acts against 6 different targets on two separate days? Anyone else see the disparity there?]
Pepe Le Sera
Woman mistakes skunk for a cat, gets sprayed
Mon Sep 15, 9:05 PM ET
MOUNT CARMEL, Pa. - A Pennsylvania woman who thought she was petting a neighbor's cat [Smelly cat, smelly cat. What are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat. It's not your fault.]got a smelly surprise when it turned out to be a skunk. [Yoo-the-hoo mi amour. I am seeking and you are finding, my precious dove! ] Not only did the skunk spray the woman before dawn [It's always smelliest before the dawn.] Monday, but it ran into her Mount Carmel home. [followed by a gray rabbit, a black duck, a lisping cat, a little yellow bird, a coyote, a roadrunner, a very fast mouse, a tazmanian devil, a little bald guy with a speech impediment, a cowboy with a big red moustache, a giant red hairy monster, a singing frog and finally a stuttering pig.]
Police spent hours at the home before leaving the scene [wearing hazmat suits and gas masks], but there was no immediate word if they were able to remove the animal. [When police were asked to comment, their reply was simply "Th-Th-Th-That's all folks!"
Mon Sep 15, 9:05 PM ET
MOUNT CARMEL, Pa. - A Pennsylvania woman who thought she was petting a neighbor's cat [Smelly cat, smelly cat. What are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat. It's not your fault.]got a smelly surprise when it turned out to be a skunk. [Yoo-the-hoo mi amour. I am seeking and you are finding, my precious dove! ] Not only did the skunk spray the woman before dawn [It's always smelliest before the dawn.] Monday, but it ran into her Mount Carmel home. [followed by a gray rabbit, a black duck, a lisping cat, a little yellow bird, a coyote, a roadrunner, a very fast mouse, a tazmanian devil, a little bald guy with a speech impediment, a cowboy with a big red moustache, a giant red hairy monster, a singing frog and finally a stuttering pig.]
Police spent hours at the home before leaving the scene [wearing hazmat suits and gas masks], but there was no immediate word if they were able to remove the animal. [When police were asked to comment, their reply was simply "Th-Th-Th-That's all folks!"
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Greasy Sera
Lewd vandal leaves greasy imprints on Neb. town
VALENTINE, Neb. - Boy, how people here wish their busiest vandal would find another way to make his mark. Some man has been skipping from one business to another in the dark of night, pressing his naked behind — sometimes his groin, sometimes both [Both? At the same time? I don't care who you are...that's impressive.]— on windows.
It's easy to tell. [Wait for it....]
Store owners, church workers and school janitors have had to wash lotion and petroleum jelly off the windows he selects. [...And there it is. And all together now... EWWWWWWW!]
"This is the weirdest case I've ever seen," said Police Chief Ben McBride. [THIS is the weirdest? Not the crop circles, or the alien abductions, or intercourse with farm animals?] A wad of chew in his mouth [of course], he didn't crack a smile as he talked about the case.
"It's not funny," [Indeed it is not funny. It's scary...scary that in a town of only 2,650 people, you don't know who might be doing this. Nice police work Barney Fife.] he said. "We're worried about the next step." [The next step being your having to get off your fat ass and do some actual police work.]
Will he move up and commit a more serious crime? [like using his money-maker to draw moustaches on all of the portraits in City Hall]
Valentine, a town of about 2,650 people, uses its name as a promotional tool, calling itself "The Heart City." [Or in this case, the Hard City, or maybe the Fart City, really I could do this all day] Downtown sidewalks are painted with hearts [which, as irony would have it, look like a giant red asses if you are walking the other way on the sidewalk], and locals encourage people from around the country to send their Valentine's Day cards to the local post office so they can be mailed out with the word "Valentine" stamped on them. [Flowers? Hrmph. Candy? Hah. Jewelry? Don't bother. What she really wants is a card, with the word "Valentine" stamped on it. How romantic is that! Nice job Rico Suave.]
Near the scenic Niobrara [which is a Santee Indian word meaning "water to keep the stupid people from dying"] River in remote north-central Nebraska, Valentine was named one of the top "wilderness" towns [BS Translation: hick town] in the country last year by National Geographic Adventure magazine.
Locals find some humor in the strange brand of graffiti [Looky there Myrtle. That looks like a smeared BE-hind. Huhuh. That's funny.] and have taken to calling the vandal the "Butt Bandit." [Which is exactly the way to get rid of an attention seeking vandal - give him a cute nickname!]
But they also can't help but cringe when finding his marks. [I gotta believe it is the same feeling as when you realize you stepped in dog crap.]
"We were completely grossed out," Kalli Kieborz said. She works in a downtown building. [BS Translation ... She works in THE downtown building.]
"One day I walked into the office and an employee said, 'Oh, my God, we've been struck!' she said."
Said Kieborz: "You could, like, see the whole package [if you squinted real hard, held your breath, got your face real close and looked at it at the right angle]."
It all started in spring 2007 [So this master criminal has been at large for nearly 18 months and Andy, Barney and the fellas can't nab him? Maybe they should question Floyd the Barber. He always seemed a little shifty to me]. The window of a Methodist church was greased with an imprint. [Thou shalt not bare false tukas.]
Chief McBride figured it was a high school prank. But the church kept getting hit, even after police staked it out. [Just picture that in your head. That is really its own joke.]
The bandit struck business after business, window after window last summer. [No wonder. Summer is hot and humid. His nether-regions no doubt got sweaty. How else is he supposed to get comfortable?]
Then he — and maybe, McBride said, copycat vandals [or even a gang...When you're a Butt, you're a Butt all the way. From your first living breath to your last dying day...]— stopped over the fall and winter. [Well, they didn't stop. It's just that the long underwear kinda ruins the effect. Plus those trap door buttons are hard to undo when you have gloves on.]
"People said he was done," McBride said. "Then he started back up this summer."
During one particularly brazen session, virtually all the windows at a local hotel were imprinted. [I am no artist, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.]
Late last month, Dana Anderson was alerted by a fellow employee at Valentine Midland News & Printing that their downtown building had a dirty window.
"It was very visible," Anderson said. "We used a long-handled squeegee to clean it off."
McBride said no one has reported seeing the vandal in action. [Maybe it's that sneaky, creepy Burger King guy.] The only clue is a blurry picture of him caught by a surveillance camera at the middle school last year.
The man was somewhere between 6 foot and 6 foot 3 and was slender. He had a dark complexion, and McBride said the man's dark hair was styled in a "1980s, feathered look." [So that is where Scott Baio has been all these years!]
Like the chief, Cherry County [Hold on. The City of Valentine is in Cherry County? OK. Just checking.] Attorney Eric Scott didn't find any humor in the vandalism.
"It's a malicious act [Malicious? Where is the malice? ... "I hate you, window. Take that you mean old window. I slap you with my penis, you bad, mean window. Smell my butt. Yes smell it! HA! That will teach you to glare at me!] that will be prosecuted once the person is apprehended," Scott said.
"This is not normal behavior for Valentine. [This guy should be tippin' cows, or shootin' stop signs, or doin' donuts in the corn fields like decent people do.] It's not funny or something people want to be exposed to."
VALENTINE, Neb. - Boy, how people here wish their busiest vandal would find another way to make his mark. Some man has been skipping from one business to another in the dark of night, pressing his naked behind — sometimes his groin, sometimes both [Both? At the same time? I don't care who you are...that's impressive.]— on windows.
It's easy to tell. [Wait for it....]
Store owners, church workers and school janitors have had to wash lotion and petroleum jelly off the windows he selects. [...And there it is. And all together now... EWWWWWWW!]
"This is the weirdest case I've ever seen," said Police Chief Ben McBride. [THIS is the weirdest? Not the crop circles, or the alien abductions, or intercourse with farm animals?] A wad of chew in his mouth [of course], he didn't crack a smile as he talked about the case.
"It's not funny," [Indeed it is not funny. It's scary...scary that in a town of only 2,650 people, you don't know who might be doing this. Nice police work Barney Fife.] he said. "We're worried about the next step." [The next step being your having to get off your fat ass and do some actual police work.]
Will he move up and commit a more serious crime? [like using his money-maker to draw moustaches on all of the portraits in City Hall]
Valentine, a town of about 2,650 people, uses its name as a promotional tool, calling itself "The Heart City." [Or in this case, the Hard City, or maybe the Fart City, really I could do this all day] Downtown sidewalks are painted with hearts [which, as irony would have it, look like a giant red asses if you are walking the other way on the sidewalk], and locals encourage people from around the country to send their Valentine's Day cards to the local post office so they can be mailed out with the word "Valentine" stamped on them. [Flowers? Hrmph. Candy? Hah. Jewelry? Don't bother. What she really wants is a card, with the word "Valentine" stamped on it. How romantic is that! Nice job Rico Suave.]
Near the scenic Niobrara [which is a Santee Indian word meaning "water to keep the stupid people from dying"] River in remote north-central Nebraska, Valentine was named one of the top "wilderness" towns [BS Translation: hick town] in the country last year by National Geographic Adventure magazine.
Locals find some humor in the strange brand of graffiti [Looky there Myrtle. That looks like a smeared BE-hind. Huhuh. That's funny.] and have taken to calling the vandal the "Butt Bandit." [Which is exactly the way to get rid of an attention seeking vandal - give him a cute nickname!]
But they also can't help but cringe when finding his marks. [I gotta believe it is the same feeling as when you realize you stepped in dog crap.]
"We were completely grossed out," Kalli Kieborz said. She works in a downtown building. [BS Translation ... She works in THE downtown building.]
"One day I walked into the office and an employee said, 'Oh, my God, we've been struck!' she said."
Said Kieborz: "You could, like, see the whole package [if you squinted real hard, held your breath, got your face real close and looked at it at the right angle]."
It all started in spring 2007 [So this master criminal has been at large for nearly 18 months and Andy, Barney and the fellas can't nab him? Maybe they should question Floyd the Barber. He always seemed a little shifty to me]. The window of a Methodist church was greased with an imprint. [Thou shalt not bare false tukas.]
Chief McBride figured it was a high school prank. But the church kept getting hit, even after police staked it out. [Just picture that in your head. That is really its own joke.]
The bandit struck business after business, window after window last summer. [No wonder. Summer is hot and humid. His nether-regions no doubt got sweaty. How else is he supposed to get comfortable?]
Then he — and maybe, McBride said, copycat vandals [or even a gang...When you're a Butt, you're a Butt all the way. From your first living breath to your last dying day...]— stopped over the fall and winter. [Well, they didn't stop. It's just that the long underwear kinda ruins the effect. Plus those trap door buttons are hard to undo when you have gloves on.]
"People said he was done," McBride said. "Then he started back up this summer."
During one particularly brazen session, virtually all the windows at a local hotel were imprinted. [I am no artist, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.]
Late last month, Dana Anderson was alerted by a fellow employee at Valentine Midland News & Printing that their downtown building had a dirty window.
"It was very visible," Anderson said. "We used a long-handled squeegee to clean it off."
McBride said no one has reported seeing the vandal in action. [Maybe it's that sneaky, creepy Burger King guy.] The only clue is a blurry picture of him caught by a surveillance camera at the middle school last year.
The man was somewhere between 6 foot and 6 foot 3 and was slender. He had a dark complexion, and McBride said the man's dark hair was styled in a "1980s, feathered look." [So that is where Scott Baio has been all these years!]
Like the chief, Cherry County [Hold on. The City of Valentine is in Cherry County? OK. Just checking.] Attorney Eric Scott didn't find any humor in the vandalism.
"It's a malicious act [Malicious? Where is the malice? ... "I hate you, window. Take that you mean old window. I slap you with my penis, you bad, mean window. Smell my butt. Yes smell it! HA! That will teach you to glare at me!] that will be prosecuted once the person is apprehended," Scott said.
"This is not normal behavior for Valentine. [This guy should be tippin' cows, or shootin' stop signs, or doin' donuts in the corn fields like decent people do.] It's not funny or something people want to be exposed to."
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