Merry Sera

Mom insists daughters continue Santa photos
By EMILY KERN HEBERT
Advocate staff writer
Published: Dec 23, 2008

Sisters Ashley and Katie Swan started fussing about taking their picture with Santa Claus when they were around 11 or 12 years old. (which is about the time girls start to develop that 6th sense about men that introduces them to the creepiness that is The Mall Santa) But, with Ashley, 23, and working full time and Katie, 18, and a senior at St. Joseph’s Academy, the girls still haven’t gotten any relief from the family tradition. In fact, their mother, Merry Swan, is more determined than ever to have her little girls take their picture with Santa. She won’t let them have their Christmas presents until they do. (I am not sure which is worse...the Mom for extorting her children to sit on a mall Santa's lap, or the kids for doing it.)

“Now, it’s like bribery,” Merry Swan said. “This is how I feel — you have to do this until you get married,” (and of course once their potential suitors see this particular family fiasco, err, I mean tradition, the boys should be breaking down the door to marry into this fine family) she added. “This is my gift.” (And nothing says Christmas more than the look of humiliation on the faces of your adult children). The tradition started when Ashley was born. She took her picture by herself the first five years until the arrival of sister Katie. In Ashley’s picture at 20 months old, she looks on the verge of tears. ("And now 21 years later, the tears are still there, only pushed down...way down....way way down...I swear I'm gonna kill that bi....uh, someone get me my prozac now...I MEAN NOW...uh, wait, what ? Oh yes, It's a cute little tradition.") Years later, when Katie is about the same age, 26 months, she is crying on Santa’s lap while older sister Ashley looks on. (thinking to herself, "Cry all you want. You'll never get out. She won't let you. You're trapped. Forever.") In a couple of photos, Katie has braces. (And in others, she has bandages from her multiple suicide attempts. In one she even has eye patches from the year she tried to gouge her own eyes out with a candy cane. Good times.)
“I love to display them,” Merry Swan said. “You can see how they’ve grown and changed.” (As the years roll on you can see every ounce of happiness, childhood innocence, and the will to live being drained out of their faces. It's like Christmas magic!) The pictures come out every holiday season. “I’m big into memories. (But I smoked way to much weed and did way too much heroin, so rather than relying on my brain for memories, ...)I take pictures for everything,” Merry Swan said. She jokes that when she pulls out her camera, her friends tease her. They call her photos “Merry’s Memories.” (...to her face. And then she leaves the room, at which time the photos are called "That Crazy Bitch's Desperate Attempts to Cling to Her Own Misspent Youth by Demeaning her Adult Children into Feeling Like Toddlers.")
Last Christmas, the girls went to the Mall at Cortana to have their picture taken.
They were able to grab a pager and be buzzed when it was their turn rather than wait in line. When they approached Santa, however, they were turned away by employees because (it's insane to make your adult kids sit in Santa's lap, plus and it might violate the terms of Santa's probation) of their age — the cutoff age was 10.
“We said, ‘Do you really think we want to take it,’” Katie said. (HUH? If you don't want to do it, then simply don't do it. Oh wait, I forgot. You are a greedy dullard pimping yourself out to your mother so you can get presents). Luckily, Merry stepped in and the girls were allowed to take the picture. ("It places the girls on Santa's lap or it get the hose again!") So, will one of the girls have to continue the tradition alone when the other gets married (or kills herself)?
“Yes,” Ashley said. “I had to do it by myself the first five years.” “You were 5, you loved it,” Katie replied. Their mom reminds them that Ashley’s status as the older sister doesn’t guarantee that she’ll be married first. ("Now, now girls. No fussing, or Santa will put you on the naughty list. Now come along. Cinderella should be just about done washing our laundry and I want to get home in time to have her finish shaving my feet.") They all laugh. (And it's that certain uncomfortable laugh that they all share, knowing that each of them will live a long, lonely, unmarried life, their only true companion being a prescription pad.) “It’s not too bad,” Katie said. “It’s just embarrassing.” Especially when friends want to know when they are taking the picture so they can watch, she added. (Because nothing says true friendship more than laughing at someone as they pimp themselves for for a Hickory Farms cheese basket.) Added Ashley: “We complain about it, but if it’s what makes her happy (and what gets us our presents) and it’s the only thing she really wants (except, of course, a life, mental stability, and an non-manual "O" face every once in a while) , it’s not too much to ask.” Katie thinks maybe she’ll appreciate the photo collection more when she’s older. (and still single, sitting in her 1 bedroom apartment, with her 8 cats, belting down her 5th scotch as Drew Carey fires up the first Showcase Showdown.) “It’s just really embarrassing when standing in line with a bunch of 5-year-olds,” she said. ('So to play it off, we just pretend we have invisible kids with us, and the 5 year olds never know the difference. Ha! That'll teach them to laugh at me! Little f*ckers.")